User:Sonic80/Bryce Harper
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| Washington Nationals – No. 34 | |
|---|---|
| Outfielder
Born: October 16th, 1992 | |
| Professional | |
| MLB Debut | April 28, 2012 |
| Teams | Washington Nationals (2012-Present)
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| Douche Debut | October 16th, 1992 |
| Teams | Team Bryce Harper (1992-Present) |
| _ | |
Bryce Aron Max Harper (born October 16th, 1992) was the number one overall pick in the 2010 Major League Baseball draft, he plays center field for the Washington Nationals, and is a full-time douche. He is most well known for the sensational hype surrounding him entering the 2012 Baseball season, his dominance in the outfield and at the plate, his aversion to clowns and their questions, and his douchey lazy-hawk haircut.[1]
Harper was raised as a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and that has significantly influenced his life. He is very diligent on and off of the baseball field, refrains from the consumption of alcohol, and provides a positive attitude in his clubhouse. Also, earlier in his life, he was probably on of those douchebags who would knock on your door on Sunday mornings.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Bryce was raised in Las Vegas by his mother and father, Sheri and Ron Harper,[2] along with his two older siblings, Bryan,[3] and Brittany.[4] Las Vegas is one of the douchiest cities in America, so it makes sense that Harper would be a douche, but it is also one of the least likely cities for a Mormon family to live in. I'm not saying that Bryce isn't actually a Mormon, but it would be a pretty douchey thing to pretend.
Bryce Harper has a very good relationship with his family, especially his older brother Bryan, despite totally stealing the spotlight from him every chance he gets. Bryan wants to play baseball? Bryce plays it better. Bryan wants to get drafted by the Nationals? Bryce gets drafted first. Bryan wants to take his girlfriend's virginity? Bryce sleeps with her first, and doesn't throw the condom out, he just leaves it on Bryan's bed where they had sex. What kind of douche doesn't throw the condom out?[5]
Amateur Career[edit | edit source]
Professional Career[edit | edit source]
Rivalries[edit | edit source]
Harper was key in igniting the relatively new Washington Nationals-Philadelphia Phillies baseball rivalry, mainly for his encounter with Philadelphia pitcher, Cole Hamels.
Clowns[edit | edit source]
All-Star Game[edit | edit source]
Harper was named to the 2012 National League All-Star team on July 7th, as a replacement for the injured slugger, Giancarlo Stanton. While no evidence has emerged yet that Harper was involved in the knee injury suffered by Stanton, it is possible that Harper may or may not have repeatedly taken a baseball bat to Stanton's knee.[6]
Awards and Accomplishments[edit | edit source]
On May 6th, the same day that Harper framed Cole Hamels for intentionally beaning him with a pitch in the first inning, Harper stole home on a botched pick-off attempt. As impressive as stealing home is, especially it being his first stolen base in the big leagues, it obviously would come with an asterisk next to it in the record books. Much like Barry Bonds' home run record, or Babe Ruth's record for most hotdogs eaten in a single half-inning,[7] Harper's stolen base will be shrouded in controversy, most likely due to steroids.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ He also has a pretty douchey chin-strap, but he isn't nearly as well known for that
- ↑ Neither of whom are douches, but unfortunately they both carried the recessive douche gene, and it manifested in the next generation.
- ↑ Who is also a douche, but not like a mega-douche like Bryce is. His douchiness is unrefined and lacks the years of being a prodigy that his brother has.
- ↑ Who is a whore, but not like a whore-whore, but more of a Mormon-whore: the kind that dresses conservatively and doesn't have sexual intercourse with anyone until they are married, but deep down you know that they are a filthy, dirty whore.
- ↑ Harper may have also had sex with one of his sister's boyfriends to assert dominance in the family. What a douche!
- ↑ I mean, there is no evidence to suggest that Harper didn't viciously assault Stanton's knee with a baseball bat repeatedly for several hours until Stanton cried for mercy and forfeited his all-star spot to the 19-year-old.
- ↑ To this day, it is still disputed as to whether or not Babe Ruth was actually a human, which is a requirement for the aforementioned hotdog eating record, but strangely enough, at the time was not a requirement to be a major league baseball player.