User:Sog1970/362, Olympus Mount

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"362, Olympus Mount" was a pioneering daily drama series broadcast across the classical world from 865 BC, continuing for almost a thousand years. It is often cited as the world's second long-running Soap Opera after Coronation Street. In its day "362, Olympus Mount" appealed to millions from the Hellenic peninsula to Lydia (Turkey) and as far away as the Ukraine. The Roman remake of the program, "Palatine Hill 90210", brought the convoluted stories of the original characters to an even wider audience, confusing the public from southern Scotland to Egypt - a country already enjoying its own long-running soap "Where the heart is" (later "Where the heart is now that you've been mummified".)

Much of the appeal of "362, Olympus Mount" relied upon the sexual attractiveness of its characters - sais by TV Quick magazine to be "A heavenly host of godesses escorted by a veritable pantheon of actors so handsome the phrase 'Greek Gods' might have been coined to describe them." Though there were hundreds of characters over the millenium of its run, 362 never lost touch with an audience that could empathise with their tangled, incestuous love affairs, fratricidal feuds and eery ability to wreak death and destruction on those who chose to watch EastEnders instead.

Classical archaeologist, Heinrich Schliemann once claimed that "Nothing united the Helenic world so much as 362,Olympus Mount, which caused the Isthmian Games to pause for thirty minutes a day and had the power to distract Spartan warriors from sodomy." Certainly, it is known that Agamemnon's fleet first waited three hours for the tide to turn before departing to avenge Helen of Troy's kidnap, and then for an additional three quarters of an hour so his warriors could catch the extended Thanksgiving edition, when Zeus turned himslf into a turkey in the hope of impressing Leida.

==The Openning Credits

The heartwarmingly familiar openning credits scrolled over a scene of the very first Gods, Chronos(Time) and his consort Ananke (Need) emerging from the primordial mud with their children Chaos and Darkness. Together they squeeze their only Grandson (the Cosmic Egg) until the rest of the universe emerges and they are arrested by Social Workers. This was repeated for every one of the 3027 episodes broadcast, always accompanied by the uplifting theme tune "If you feel the Need, I'll find the Time".

As the song ended and the final credit faded a ginger cat stretched on an out-house roof while the announcer summarised the back-story:

"Rhea had six kids,

Uranus said one would kill Chronus.

Chronus ate them all.

Kid seven got raised by goats.

He grew up to cut open his father's stomach.

His six immortal sibblings had survived undigested.

Confused?

You will be, it's 362, Olympus Mount."

The Setting[edit | edit source]

Like all the best soap operas, 362 Olympus Mount centred on a pub - in this case the "Gaia Bar", the favourite haunt of "open-minded" deities of the Ancient World. Following Zeus murder of his father, Chronus' male heirs each inherrited an equal share in the business which they divided up by drawing straws. As the eldest and the one still carrying a sword, it was perhaps inevitable that Zeus drew the longest straw and took charge of the bar and restaurant. Second son, Hades, took control of the underworld - the beer-cellar which had been partially converted into a pleasure dungeon for Sodomos, God of show-tunes. Youngest son, Poseiden, drew the shortest straw and was left with control of the waters of the rest-rooms. Disatisfied he periodically plotted to overthrow his elder brother, and took vengeance by extorting large tips from desperate customers despite rarely replenishing the towels or filling the soap-dispensers.

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As with all long running drama series, producers found it hard to sustain interest without ocassionally resorting to dramatic events. Over the centuries the "Gaia Bar" fell victim to attacks by Titans, explosions, plane-crashes, regular attempts by brewery "Memnon and Raidne" to turn it into a theme-pub, and entire series that turned out to be episodes of amnesia. But even the occasional abduction by aliens couldn't wrest control from the Olympian family

Zeus[edit | edit source]

After Ken Barlow, Zeus is the longest surviving soap-character and was played by one actor for the better part of a millenium. The early series plotted his pursuit of and eventual marriage to the beautiful Metis (Kylie to the Romans). Prophesy that Metis would give birth to a son that would eventually overthrow him caused Zeus to eat her. As this epidode was never broadcast due to the earthquake on Santorini, many TV magazines chose to view Zeus eating of his wife as a purely sexual matter and (since the original video parchment has long since decayed) this may be the case. However, subsequent episodes are recorded to show Zeus' worrying that a brain tumour is about to kill him. The Olympian family gather round to show support and Poseiden's attempt to hasten his brother's end by smiting him with his own sword resulted in Metis' child , Athena, being born whole from Zeus' head. Following this Zeus married first Themis (electrocuted in the bath by a hair-drier), then Mnememosyne (killed in a viaduct collapse) and then Sue Ellen (cirhosis of the liver). After sveral other short marriages Zeus finally accepted his fate as a healthy, middle aged Greek man and married his sister Hera.