User:Simsilikesims/Ninja Skills

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Ninja Skills

The Ninja are totally sweet warriors of unmitigated power, capable of wiping out entire continents with a single wave of their hands. Through years of painstaking effort, the following list has been compiled of potent Ninja Skills. Compiling this list was not easy. Bribes were made, babies sacrificed, and sexual favors performed for fat chicks. The results however, are incontrovertible, and should not be dismissed. 1234

General Ninja Skills

While excessively skilled in Ownage, (below) ninja are masters of about everything. Some of their more general skills are:

Assbeatery

Also referred to Ninja-Fu, or Ninjutsu (not to be misread as "ninjitsu," which means the Ninja Times, a ninja paper. If you aren't a ninja and try to read it it will kill you), and occasionally called getting your ass stomped by a fucking Ninja. The basic martial art-form taught to all young ninja, Assbeatery, means that you will fucking lose. You don't stand a chance. Assbeatery includes wickedly awesome ski-ball ability; such that you literally cannot fucking comprehend, and is the gateway to all the following skills. Baby and kid ninja have usually not mastered Assbeatery, and you might stand a chance against them.

It has also been discovered that Assbeatery involves the innate ninja skill of Breaking the Time Barrier in which they begin to move faster than time. This allows them to return to preceding moments in which they proceed to beat your ass again. Efficient use of Time Barrier breaking can allow a ninja to completely destroy you upwards of 42 times a pico-second.

Domo Kai Do

The ninja who learn Domo Kai Do (lit. "reach out and touch someone") employ their ninja skills at a distance. A punch can be felt from a few feet away at first, and as a ninja masters this art, eventually a normal punch, kick, or stab wound can be delivered from miles away. The first to develop this technique was Bruce Lee, who was able to get one from an inch away (the "one-inch punch"). Unfortunately ninja irony got the better of him when he instead decided to use a gun (the normal man's alternative) in one of his takes. Over the years many great ninja have advanced this skill. The Yokazuna Horyusan becomes viciously deadly with this art.

Boatdoken

Whilst attempting to travel via nautical means, the ninja have mastered a technique known as the boatdoken (lit. "who needs oars?"). A boatdoken is performed by channeling a portion of the ninja's incomprehensible awesomeness into a beam of raw kinetic energy, which can propel any boat, raft, ship, or boogie board at extreme speeds. In order to successfully perform the boatdoken, a ninja must master the casting of devastating 9th level spells.

Noburo Shao Ichi

The ninja are warriors of shadows and darkness. The night is their playground, they slip in and out of pure shade, moving without sound or notice, and really fuck some shit up. Noburo Shao Ichi (lit. "Holy shit, look at that!") is the art of disappearing. Skilled ninja with Noburo Shao Ichi are impossible to see. Even if you look directly at them, they are not fucking there.

Noburo Shao Ukee

The Ninja using Noburo Shao Ukee (lit. "I can see you, bitch!") can see any ninja using Noburo Shao Ichi. If you try to sneak up on a ninja, they will see you too, and unleash a finishing move of their choice. Be warned, Yokazuna Horyusan tends to be a popular choice.

Shineru-yuken

Even in the broadest of daylight, ninjas can remain completely undetected in wide open areas right up to and even inside your retinas due to their immense speed. Shineru-yuken (lit. "What the fuck was that?") is still counterable by the Noburo Shao Ukee. However, this is not particularly advisable, even in ninja circles, as a startled ninja can attack without any further prompt, or failing that, explode in a cloud of smoke and ninja stars. At its most intense, this blast can easily demolish a modest sized subcontinent.

Shinji Ikari Domokun

When using Shinji Ikari Domokun (lit. "that crazy shit with the swords"), the ninja in question pulls out his or her totally sweet ninja sword and slices you all to shit. If the ninja so desires, this move can be performed in either super slo-mo or really fucking fast-motion. The move is often modified based off of a ninja's experience. All ninja of 4th level or higher will be able to use two swords, 6th level ninja often use 3, 8th level ninja frequently use four ninja swords, and at 12th level, they just throw whole entire ninjas at you.

Muda da

Muda da (lit. "giant steamroller that falls from nowhere") is a secret and forbidden move. However, every ninja can, will and have at least used it once, because rules happen to other people. This move includes stopping time, throwing an excessive amount of daggers while shouting "muda da!" This move is finished by summoning the legendary steamroller of death which crushes you to tiny bits.

Takahashi Sokokai

The Takahashi Sokokai (lit. jumping up off the ground and kicking your face clean off of your head and straight into the Sun") is relatively plain, as far as ninja moves go. The move also describes, with profound accuracy, exactly what to expect upon successful execution of the move.*

Togateiru Foukku Kohgeki

Togateiru Foukku Kohgeki (lit. "pointy fork attack") is very simple, but can only be used by ninja, because other people hold nary a hint of awesomeness, let alone intellect, required to understand the simplicity of this maneuver. The ninja grabs a pointy fork, uses a set style of attacks, and destroys you. Don't even bother trying to avoid this, it'll just make the ninja angry.

Domo Ari Goto

Domo Ari Goto (lit. "kick your ass with a robot army") is an incredibly dangerous technique. It takes years for a ninja to learn properly. It consists of building an army of robots, which then utterly destroy everything nearby. Developed towards the end of World War II as an ultimate weapon, this move has only been tested twice. The results was the Hiroshima and Nagasaki disasters.

Yokazuna Horyusan

The most famous of ninja moves, the Yokazuna Horyusan (lit. "plunging fist of death") is where a ninja plunges his hand into your chest, neatly removing your heart for a detailed inspection, places it into one of those paper-box Chinese soup thingies, and hands it to you before you die. Culinary ninja may also serve sushi or spring vegetable rolls with the meal, and frequently offer a glass of sake to go with the heart.

Many variations of this technique exist, mostly exclusive to various ninja clans or agencies. Most begin with the traditional plunging of the fist into your chest and removing your heart, usually followed by another awesome move involving the heart such as replacing the heart back into your chest upside-down, throwing it around the world to clobber you in the face or carving the letters of your name out of it, and turning it into alphabet soup, among others.

TRANFORM

TRANSFORM (lit. "Turn into a thingy")Is when you turn into something that you wannah be by yelling TRANSFORM!!! ya so yeah

Ninja Pwnage Skills

Izuna no Taikatsu

The Ninja, being as awesome as they are, push the pinnacle of deadliness and awesomeness with the Izuna no Taikatsu (lit.Super spinny falling death throw of ultimate awesomeness and ninja skillz) as demonstrated by Ryu Hayabusa.this technique kicks major ass. the ninja will throw (slash, uppercut etc...) you into the air. the ninja then jumps up after you come up from behind (not in a gay way) and grabs you (once again, not in a gay way) as youre falling, you just got hit by a ninja your going to be falling for quite some time, the ninja will start spinning in circles. and you reach the ground the ninja thrusts you body into the ground jumping away unharmed. you could either:1.have your spine broken in SEVERAL places 2. your body totally smashed and splattered or 3.you fell so fast you ripped the space time continuum transporting you into another dimension, then you get smashed. either way the ninja is totally unharmed.

Otowana Do Nakee

Never challenge a ninja (or accept a ninja's challenge) to a match of skee-ball. They possess the ability to totally own anyone at skee-ball, known as Otowana Do Nakee (lit. "hurling skee-ball with fiery wrath"). After beating their opponent so horrifically that he/she wishes that he/she hadn't been born to face such ninjatastic ownage, the ninja will proceed to kill the said victim in one of the aforementioned methods. He/she will then disappear, leaving the corpse in the middle of the gameroom.

Kibawani Izoku Kai

Ninja are able to do all yo-yo tricks ever invented (and yet to be invented) by humans. This ability is known as Kibawani Izoku Kai (lit. "mad yo-yo skills"). They can also perform yo-yo tricks while remaining unseen. All ninja can do sweet yo-yo tricks with more than one yo-yo simultaneously, due to the fact that they are freaking ninja. Higher level ninja are able to do all yo-yo tricks from afar via Domo Kai Do.

Jasutto Faakinggu Woukku

Ninjas are reputedly the only form of human (or otherwise) that are able to manipulate any version of Microsoft's much acclaimed Windows OS into a state in which it doesn't crash every thirty seconds. This ability is known as Jasutto Faakinggu Wouku (lit. "work, you lousy piece of shit"). Common uses of this are to further their ownage under the internet-based instruction of Batman.

Inkei Ichigeki

One rare ability of some ninjas is to pinpoint accurately where your crotch is. They can deliver a fatal blow (not that kind of blow) to a scrotum in a fraction of a second. Inkei Ichigeki meaning "penis smash." Another form of this technique, Inkei Yaburu, meaning "penis rip", tears the penis clean off. The penis is eaten as a tradition.

Ninja Skills of Ill-Repute

Ikari Bo

Female ninja (also known as kunoichi) are truly a force to be reckoned with. All female ninja can use a variant of Noburo Shao Ichi to make themselves look several times hotter than the hottest porn star chick. Ikari Bo (lit. "me love you long time") is the ninja art of lovemaking. A female ninja doing so much as touching you can make you orgasm with such ferocity that your neck will literally explode in a preposterously overwhelming flood of seminal discharge, blowing your head halfway through the exosphere. If you ever get the offer to receive Ikari Bo, accept the offer. It's totally worth it.

Notes

• And 'successful execution' is a tautology when referring to ninjas.
• All skills listed above are a culmination of several hundred million years of knowledge, as ninjas tend to perform a mass extinction on the earth every so often for the hell of it. They leave behind one survivor every time in order to warn future generations of ninja awesomeness. They don't really care because they are constantly refining techniques/making new ones, so any skill listed above is most likely obsolete by millions of years.
• It's no use reading through the entire article; it's not how they kill you, but when.