User:Shedtroll/Edinburgh Park
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WARNING This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly. Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk. |
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“Edinburgh Park is a Normal Place where Normal Things happen”
Edinburgh Park (Twinned with Hell) is an outpost of Mordor located in Glasgow, for no readily apparent reason. It may be found to the east of the city, near some high-rise flats and some of the worst motorway you will ever have to misery to drive. The layout of the park was master planned by American architect Sid Meier, thus accounting for the annoying frequency with which restless tribes invade it to attack your cities, and it opened in 1995. Edinburgh Park railway station, which is located on the line from Glasgow to Aberdeen (via Crewe), opened in December 2003, and it is planned that the Edinburgh Tram Network will pass through the park on a regular basis, in an attempt to run down children.
It is not to be confused with Gyle Park nearby, site of the former Gogarloch, which is said to be haunted by bankers.
The park has a pub-cum-fitness centre, where the damned may achieve steady-state between drinking and exercising. There are a number of sculptures, including the busts of famous Scottish poets (many of whom are ironically dead).
History[edit | edit source]
Built on the rumoured site of an ancient Pictish site of worship, Edinburgh Park was never actually built, but rather appeared without warning. Initially attractive to the oppressed denizens of Glasgow, they were enslaved by the likes of BAE Systems and British Torture. Yet no-one wore a frown, even in the face of horrendous misery and suffering. Opposition from the local communities was quickly reversed by the Mysterious Mr O.W. and never heard of again.
Only one person has reappeared, claiming to have been kidnapped to feed a 'time machine'. She is currently spending time at a mental institution.
Businesses[edit | edit source]
Businesses with an unearthly presence in Edinburgh Park include:
- British Torture
- Satanic Monkey.com
- Diageo
- JP Borgan
- Hezbollah
- Virgin Media Whores
- The Artist Formerly Known as Bank of Scotland
- EGGON UK (trading as Scuttish Inequitable)
- John Menzies Porn 'n' Crisps Warehouse
BAE Systems closed its site at Edinburgh Park June 2006, after being destroyed in an unfortunate accident involving two gay midgets and a thin man in pants.
Perhaps the biggest draw is the South Gyle Shopping Centre, filled with retail outlets to drain the soul and wallet. This is possibly the only place left in the UK with a "spudulike". During the school holidays, every child for within ten miles is drawn to the lair of death super fun fair. During this time, money can be earned clearing the inevitable mounds of tissues left by the local nonces.
Quotes[edit | edit source]
“This is Edinburgh PAAAAAAAAAARK!”
“Hello MTV, Welcome to my Crib”
“I come for the evil, but I stay for the misery”
“I think I've just shit ma'self”
More Mysteries[edit | edit source]
Officially, this place doesn't exist. It is not marked on any plans or maps; even the Parliaments at Westminster and Holyrood deny it exists. It has even been excluded from the plans for Edinburgh's Tram Network. There have been times when people have claimed that Edinburgh Park had vanished completely, even from people's minds. However, these claims have been shown to be unfounded, principally by the hordes of the damned who turn up for work every day.
Perhaps the biggest mystery is why people keep on eating at The Ritz, the sole purveyor of mediocre food and poorly-served beer. In spite of surly waiting staff, randomly chosen music and a bar lined with braying morons, some people choose to come here, once a week, to complain about the selection on the menu and remember not to order the pork sausages in cranberry sauce.
The David Andrews Mystery[edit | edit source]
One man, David Andrews, once claimed whilst walking through Edinburgh Park, he emerged into what looked to be a war-ravaged wasteland. A destroyed landscape, alien compared to the annoyingly clean landscape of the park.
“I saw a war-torn wasteland, only recognizable from a bombed-out shopping mall. I blinked and then, it was gone, like. Totally vanished.”
Then he realised that he'd just walked into Wester Hailes.
What to do if you found yourself in Edinburgh Park[edit | edit source]
- Make sure it is Edinburgh Park (it's easy to confuse it with, say, Luxembourg.
- Look for signs of real life
- Leave. Quickly.
- You better run all day.
- And run all night.
- And keep your dirty feelings.
- Deep inside.
Alternatively, if you're in one of the many buses, dull your pain by purchasing some smack from the neds at the back.
