User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2012/Frosty

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Happy Monkey Competition 2012

Pee reviews for: Frosty

Article: The emperor of Barbados

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Creativity: 6/10

There are a lot of ideas in this article, though in general you seem to stick to two main ideas, QEII is not an emperor, nor does Barbados have an Emperor, and her basic duty is to take money from Barbados by giving nothing in return. The side ideas themselves are creative, such as mentioning Hawii, gold furniture, too old to travel, can't touch this etc..., and I think that this article could benifit from those ideas if the central idea of the article was strengthened a little (that there is no empress, and the foreign queen takes money). Its a good central concept, though I don't see that much creativity in terms of writing about the absence of the queen and her taking money, most of these ideas are known by those who live in the commonwealth. The ground work is there in your article, I think the biggest challenge for you is to find a way to talk about these two truths, in a way that doesn't come across as angry throughout the article, and in a fresh new way that one hasn't read before. Consider:

The queen did consider coming to Barbados, and the whole country was excited beyond imagination, as no one was sure if a Queen (or king for that matter) ever visited and no one knew exactly where to find that information. The people waited in the street for weeks and most went home once at the point of starvation. In time, people became used to seeing the queen only on their money. The subjects would have to be happy with that, and that alone, as they couldn't be bothered to rise up against the monarchy, and they still had a little bit of hope in the back of their minds that just maybe the queen got lost on the way and that her visit to Barbados will materialise.

Okay...so that was a long example, and probably not the best one, but here I've taken one of the two main concepts of the piece (that the queen never does anything) and have rambled on about on idea to a rediculous extreme, and in a different manner, instead of citing an angry fury that people feel about it, her absence is illustrated by a rather pathetic story that stretches the limits of reality. And there are always lots of ways to cover the same concept other than anger and pointing out the stupidity of things, like:

  • A small quote by the queen justifying why she is still the queen, but still in a way where she really could care less
  • The Prime minister of Barbados asking the people, what exactly they would prefer in place of having the queen, and no one really being able to answer.
  • A small group of rich tourism companies who provide a large amount of income for the country band together and consider crowning one of the presidents of the company as the new emperor of the Island, suddenly making everyone in Barbados perfer QEII and defend her like no tomorrow.

The side jokes you have in the article are creative and provide you with a LOT of material to expand your original idea on. In other words, I suggest that you put a lot more creativity into the central theme of the article, and worry far less on the periferal details.

This doesn't mean that you weren't creative, its not easy to write sarcastic humour or to make fun of a topic as you have, I simply believe that you can use your own creativity to stretch your material to new, insightful and Frosty-like ways that goes beyond just scarcastic writing.

Originality: 5.5/10

I'll give you credit for some originality here. This article was the last kind that I was expecting, and the general form and content has some original ideas. Greater originality usually requires time time time.

With a topic like The Emperor of Barbados, you can go so many ways. Demonstrating that there isn't really an emperor is one way. Other possiblities include:

  • The emperor of Barbados isn't one person but every rich white tourist who comes here and makes us richer. Barbados doesn't have just one emperor, but 500,000 of them each year (and growing).
  • The emperor of Barbados is a mythical creature that lives inside the minds of all Barbados people, be it through vudu, rastafarianism or those who believe in the magic of the free market. The emperor is an undefinable spirit that they all beilieve in and paradoxically it eminates as the same one thing. It cannot be touched however it is there, it cannot be heard but it speaks, it cannot give orders but it controls you! etc...
  • The emperor of Barbados was an ancient Indian American who formed one of the largest indigenous societies in the Carribeans before Europeans colonised the new world. They were a kind and loving canabalistic society and their Emperor was the most kindest and lovingest canabal of them all.

I have no doubt that you can come up with your own unique way of covering this topic with more time and a chance to think about it and edit it and polish it.

Cleverness: 5/10

I see your strongest sense of cleverness in the "contributions" sentence. Your take on the transition from pirate style rule to absent and corrupt rule is amusing. The use of the queens picture on the postage stamp was a great first image which shows a happy smiling queen, who in reality cares little about her commonwealth subjects and gladly takes their money (according to your article that is). The last section of the article debating about the existence or technical existence of an emperor of Barbados was a sharp idea.

Content and Images: 6.5/10

As this is a stub I can't give you too many points here, though the actual written part, the tone of the narrative isn't bad, there are only a few mystakes and I like the images, though I would recommend reworking the captions.

Points for whatever reason: 6.5/10

I salute you for writing an article with a beginning middle and end, with imgaes, formatting, links and a coherent concept and execution. For all of that, and some of your creativity and cleverness, I give you a 6 which is the average of your article.

Final Score: 30/50

I rounded your score up to a 30. Thanks for participating and I hope you continue with this article, extend your ideas, and infuse your great ability to add creative ideas with a more original and well though out style. I have no doubt you can and look forward to seeing this article in a more polished form. Come to my talk page if didn't get some things I've said here, or if you have questions or if you hate me and wan't to murder me in my sleep and want to warn me ahead of time before you do so!

Comments:

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Score and Comments from Wilytank[edit]

6/10

Score and Comments from PopGoesTheWeasel[edit]

7/10

Score and Comments from Mattsnow[edit]

5.5/10

Not too bad at all, it's a great start. I would have loved to correct the few typos in there, but the page's locked... Tell me when it's unlocked and I'll gladly do it. Talk Mattsnow 18:11, February 13, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from Joe9320[edit]

7/10

Score and Comments from Chief[edit]

8/10

I actually really liked this one, the sarcastic and irritated style is a favourite of mine and you pull it off quite well here. The main bar to my enjoyment is the unpolished feel of the final product, there are a number of typos alongside some questionable footnotes and confusing narrative in places. However it made me laugh and I would like to see it finished at some point.

Final Score[edit]

63.5/100