User:Scofield/UnScripts:Game Namespace-er

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In the year 2011, Uncyclopedia admin Zombiebaron single-handedly revitalized the site's Game namespace, mainly due to his brilliant programming skills that somehow managed to help create ultra-successful games like Society, where Uncyclopedia users could play as other users. He has recently released a brand new game known as Slayers, where users can once again play as other users, only this time in battle. The accounts available for usage are notorious perma-banned vandals who have no chance in hell of being resurrected unless an admin excessively pities them.

Act 1

(Scene is the UnNews newsroom, where reporter SPIKE is interviewing Zombiebaron about his new Game:Slayers.)

SPIKE- So tell me, Mr Zombiebaron, how exactly do the mechanics of your new game work, and how are they different from your previous blockbuster "Society"?

Zombiebaron- Well as you know, Game:Society was like an upgrade of Game:Life RPG, which was essentially a simulated reality with the added bonus of being able to play as another account. Slayers is different in the sense that this time users will be competing against each other in Game:Grueslayer-style PVP battles. They will also be able to use only perma-banned accounts, unlike Society where we had to strike deals with users in order to let them allow their accounts to be used.

SPIKE- There has been plenty of controversy regarding this game, mainly because of the assertions that you are playing with other users' lives.

Zombiebaron- What you people don't realize is that these people were Bad Users. They deserved what they got, and now they have a chance to reclaim their freedom. I mean, what would you choose? Not being able to edit this wiki forever, or letting your account get whored out for some game so that you might get resurrected?

SPIKE- You make a good point, Major Sir Zombiebaron.

Zombiebaron- Thank you, SPIKE. It has been a real pleasure entertaining you people with my cool games.

Voice- Whoops! Maybe you were trying to say enslaving?

Zombiebaron- WTF!!! What was that?

SPIKE- It seems as though somebody hacked into our- (Suddenly, the TV screen displaying the UnNews logo changes to reveal a Ludacris lookalike.)

Hacker- You n00bs! Zombiebaron is a liar! He is a monster! An evil monster! He eats brains!!!!

SPIKE- I'm incredibly sorry for this, Major Sir Zombiebaron.

Zombiebaron- Oh, don't worry! My tech team's fixing up the problem right now.

SPIKE- Your tech team?

Zombiebaron- Well, I kinda brought my own security for this. (Hacker's face disappears) Speaking of which, do you guys want a firewall upgrade? I have state-of-the-art software, available for just $89.95!

SPIKE- I'll think about it, sir!

Zombiebaron- Well, you'd better hurry! The offer won't last forever!

Act 2

(Some spoilt brat is playing on the Uncyclopedia Game namespace. I say spoilt brat because the Uncyclopedia games are no longer free, and in fact cost hundreds of dollars in membership fees.)

Brat- Login username- Kable, password- *****

Computer- You are now logged in as Kable.

(Meanwhile, in the actual game, User:Kable and other supposed "vandals" prepare for the next battle.)

SuddenlySerial- Damn, man Kable! just three more PVP battles to go before any one of us gets outta here, huh?

ComicPurist- Are you out of your mind? This whole game's a fucking set-up! Zombiebaron can't afford to have any one of us outta here and you know that! I mean, these are the same people who made Zork! And last time I checked, I couldn't win that!

SuddenlySerial- But Kable's the champ, man! 500 pwnages! That's more than the pwnages of the rest of us put together!

Kable- I have to get out of here, fellas. I HAVE to.

Computer- Prepare for battle. Entering PVP zone in 3, 2, 1.

(The jeep they're traveling opens up, and they all barge out. They then begin trudging through some abandoned construction ground, where they battle Grues, androids, and Chuck Norris clones. Needless to say, most of them either get eaten or roundhouse-kick'd.)

Kable- (Miraculously dodging a pouncing Grue thanks to some CGI-mojo.) Pre-emptive strike! (opens fire at a bunch of Grues eating up a fellow player.)

Interface- Checkpoint 500 miles away. (The camera wobbles a little bit and the cameraman fixes the tripod stand. And suddenly, Kable manages to travel the entire 500 miles and reach the checkpoint.)

Interface- Battle Completed.

Brat- Wohoo! Kable, you OWN!

Hacker- (appears on brat's IRC) Hey d00d, want som hax?

Brat- Hax? What hax?

Hacker- This hax will let j00 talk to Kable so j00 c4n t311 him how much he pwnz!!!

Brat- K3w1! Let me download it!

(Meanwhile, back in the game.)

SuddenlySerial- Whoa, Kable! You were awesome, man! Just two more PVP battles to go!

ComicPurist- There's no point, people. No point in lying to ourselves. We're all going to die down here! (breaks down and cries.) I shouldn't have signed up for this! I should have just let myself stay banned!

(Kable maintains his robotic expression. The scene then shifts to Zombiebaron's UnGames headquarters, where he's attending a business meeting.)

Mordillo- I must say, Zombiebaron, Slayers has become a phenomenal success, just like Society! And it was all thanks to the wiki update you devised which allowed admins to link accounts together.

Under user- Our vandal Kable is proving to be immensely popular. 550 pwnages in 28 battles! He might actually make it all the way to the end.

Zombiebaron- Can't say I'm surprised, folks. I told you all he'd become the driving force behind the game. Which is why we're going to kill him.

Everybody- WHAT?

Zombiebaron- Oh, come on people! You never actually thought I'd allow anybody to beat the game, did you? No, we'll use Kable's popularity to take things to the next level. People will witness the horrific, gruesome pwnage of him, and will keep coming back for more.

Mordillo- Ah, shock value.

Zombiebaron- Exactly. We're going to scare our audience out of their wits. The brutality, the cruelty, deep down inside we all want to see that, don't we?

Under user- Okay, now you're just creeping me out. But hey, you're the boss!

Zombiebaron- I sure am. And don't y'all forget that! Now, may I present to you a surprise entrant in our game. (pulls up a holographic slide showing a scary-looking black guy waving the British flag.) He's a brit, and used to be one of the meanest, craziest and most abusive admins on our site. And I brought him in solely for the purpose of pwning Kable.

(The other board members recognize the man and begin quaking in their boots.)

Under user- B-b-but are you sure this man will be able to defeat Kable? I mean, he is still the most experienced player in the game.

Zombiebaron- I'm glad you asked. You see, powerful that Kable may be, he also has a weakness. A weakness shared by every other player in the game except for our new entrant.

Mordillo- And what might that weakness be?

Zombiebaron- The fact that they're all being controlled by other users. I had deliberately put a bug in wiki upgrade, which results in a lag between the sending and the execution of commands. However, our new entrant won't have that problem.

Under user- How is that possible? Who will be controlling him?

Zombiebaron- Nobody. He will play this game by himself.

(The other two board members gasp in horror. Zombiebaron sports an evil smile which shows his rotting zombie teeth.)

Zombiebaron- May I present to you all Kable's angel of death. Olipro.

(Meanwhile, in the Slayers lobby, Kable is contacted by somebody on IRC.)

Somebody- Psst! Kable!

Kable- What? Who are you? And what does "psst" mean?

Somebody- Call me Anonymous. And download this file, quickly!

Kable- What? Why?

Anonymous- Do it! Quickly! I don't have much time!

Kable- Okay (downloads file. Anonymous disappears.)

Voice- Oh, hello there!

Kable- (looks around and spots Olipro) Who are you? I haven't seen you before.

Olipro- I'm a new guy. A new guy who's going to pwn ur ass! Lol.

Kable- I'm the champ of this game. Nobody can pwn me!

Olipro- Oh, but you see Kable, I'm different. (breaks into Pinnochio's "I got no strings" song, leaving Kable utterly confused.)

Olipro- I got no strings on me. What, didn't you get it? Strings? Puppets?

Kable- I have no idea what you're talking about.

Olipro- Being controlled by an outside user, dumbass!

Kable-(realizes meaning of Olipro's song.) Oh, crap.

Act 4

(An ugly, obese guy is using a hot chick's account in Game:Society.)

Obese Guy- Hmm, the public restroom? Which option should I choose? (Clicks on "Give yourself swirly" and laughs like the juvenile idiot that he is.)

Obese Guy- Hahaha! Girl's getting a swirly! (suddenly, he sees a pervert approach her.)

Pervert- What do you happen do be doing in this lonely restroom?

Obese Guy- (Typing) I don't know. What do you?

Pervert- Well, I'm a little bit lonely and could use some banging. And I mean really, really hard banging.

(Obese Guy's eyes light up in perverse delight.)

(Meanwhile, back in the Slayers lobby, Kable is looking at the picture of a woman who just happens to be the girl getting "banged" in Society.)

SuddenlySerial- Your wife, isn't she?

Kable- Yeah, and that's my daughter. (points to the smaller girl in the picture.)

SuddenlySerial- Yeah, well, I don't have a wife or daughter, so I don't care! Bye-bye!

Game mod- Kable, SuddenlySerial, time to test your upgrades.

SuddenlySerial- Upgrades? Wohoo!

(Kable goes to a target range with SuddenlySerial and Olipro. The Game mod takes him to his upgrades.)

Game mod- Here, an upgrade to your assault rifle. The AJ-47.

Kable- Assault rifle? I thought I was getting an upgrade on my WINK-13R SMG.

Game mod- Yeah, well your controller though that upgrade was gay so, here you go.

Kable- Alright. (Game mod gives him a fancy looking assault-rifle.)

Game mod- So, how is it like? I mean, being controlled by another user?

Kable- It's a little bit creepy to be honest. Fortunately, my controller's not an idiot, so we get along fine.

Game mod- Do you have any sort of control over your actions?

Kable- (taking aim.) It's like they're my hands, but his eyes and brain. (shoots)

Game mod- So is that a yes or no?

Kable- Um...no. (Glances towards Olipro) Hey! How did that guy get his hands on a minigun?

Game mod- Special gift from Zombiebaron I guess. He really wants to see that guy pwn everybody.

(Kable's eyes widen in what appears to be horror, although judging by the rest of his face, we can't really tell.)

(Scene shifts back to the lobby, where Anonymous once again contacts Cable via IRC.)

Anonymous- Psst! Kable!

Kable- What do you want? And stop saying "psst", nobody's online on these things anyway.

Anonymous- Listen, now that you know Zombiebaron wants you pwnt at any cost, you must listen carefully if you want to survive.

Kable- I'm all ears.

Anonymous- First of all, the file I sent you for downloading is a hax, which allows you to talk to your controller.

Kable- Ooooooohh!

Anonymous- Then, you will tell your controller to cut you loose, meet me somewhere, and I'll take you to a super-secret headquarters!

Kable- Super-secret? Yay! (Anonymous log out.)

Olipro- Hey Kable! You know what I just did?

Kable- (gives him an angry look.) What?

Olipro- I banned a user. Indefinitely. And he didn't even do anything wrong! Here's the log!

Kable- (looks at the log and makes a disgusted and horrified face.)

Olipro- You know, I heard you had a family. A wife and a kid, I believe? Maybe after I pwn you, I'll probably take care of them as well!

Kable- Why you, little! (pounces at Olipro. Olipro beats the crap out of him.)

Game mods- Okay, people. Get ready for the next battle!

(Olipro runs his thumb across his neck the way people do to communicate that they're gonna kill you, and leaves. Kable follows.)

Computer- The battle begins in 3, 2, 1...

(Suddenly, grues, androids and Chuck Norris clones begin swarming the place. The players begin shooting like crazy but the cameraman is so busy having a seizure that we can't really figure out what's going on. Suddenly, however, he recovers, focusing his camera on Kable and SuddenlySerial)

Kable- SuddenlySerial, look behind you!!

SuddenlySerial- (looks behind himself, and gets sprayed by Olipro's minigun.) It was nice knowing you, Kable! (dies)

Kable- Fuck you, Olipro! (Makes a break for it.)

Brat- Whoa, Kable! You're one foul-mouthed Slayer!

Kable- So the controller speaks at last.

Brat- Yeah, Kable! You're pwning everybody's asses out there! I'm so glad I control you!

Kable- You want to win this game, kid?

Brat- DUH!!!!

Kable- Then you must let me go. Let me play by myself.

Brat- Lolwut?

Kable- Look, in the next PVP battles, everybody who's controlled by another user shall get pwnt. If you want to have any chance of winning, you have to stop controlling me.

Brat- How do I know you won't run away or something?

Kable- Trust me, I want to win this just as badly as you do.

Brat- Okay, then. (drops his controller, allowing Kable to try and sneak into a RESTRICTED AREA.)

Brat- Dude, you're not allowed to go there!

Kable- I am allowed to try (suddenly, he's ambushed by Olipro!)

Olipro- Eat this, arsewipe! (attempts to fire his minigun, but it won't work. A game mod then appears.)

Game mod- I'm sorry Olipro, but since you crossed over to a RESTRICTED AREA before firing the minigun, you are henceforth disqualified, thus conveniently saving Kable from certain pwnage.

Olipro- What? No, you can't do this to me! I'll permaban your ass!

Game mod- Sorry, Olipro. Rules are rules. (Olipro is whisked away.)

(Needless to say, Kable reaches the checkpoint and survives the PVP round.)

Brat- Wohoo!

Somebody watching the game on TV- WOHOO!

Everybody else- Wohoo! (dramatic music plays for a while.)

Act 5

(Meanwhile, Kable's wife aka the girl who got banged in Society, visits the UnAdoption center.)

Wife- Excuse me, sir but I wanted to apply for visitation rights for my daughter.

ChiefjusticeDS- Sorry ma'am. No can do.

Wife- But-but-but why?

ChiefjusticeDS- Well, first of all, your daughter's foster daddy paid a large amount of money to keep his identity a secret. Second of all, forfeiting your family, your Uncyclopedia articles and everything else you could possibly care about was part of the Game:Society contract!

Wife- It was?

ChiefjusticeDS- Yeah, didn't you read the fine print?

Wife- Goddamit!

(Meanwhile, Kable is once again chatting on IRC)

Kable- Okay, Anonymous. I won't be safe for much longer with Olipro around. I need your help to get me out of here.

Anonymous- Okay, what do you want from me?

Kable- Vodka.

Anonymous- LOL, good one!

Kable- No, seriously. (Anonymous stares at him, confused.)

Kable- HA! (they both start laughing madly.)

Kable- No, I actually want a beer.

(Somehow Anonymous manages to smuggle the beer into the lobby right under the noses of all the Game Mods. Kable then empties the whole bottle shortly before the next PVP fight.)

Brat- Dude, like WTF?

Kable- Don't worry, kiddo. This is all part of the plan.

Brat- A plan that'll make me win, right?

Kable- Yeah, whatever. (logs out.)

(In the next PVP battle, Kable runs over and takes cover inside a garage that isn't a RESTRICTED AREA.)

Kable- Now would be a good time to set me free.

Brat- K, d00d.

(Upon being set free, Kable proceeds to walk up to one of the cars and open up its fuel tank. He then leans into the fuel tank and pukes in it. And then pees in it.)

Brat- WTF was that, Kable? Are you just trying to gross me out?

Kable- Not just. (Smashes open car door, gets in and starts the ignition.)

Brat- So you're gonna get in the car and just run people over? LAME!

(The cameraman has another seizure fit so we're unable to clearly see what's happening, but by the time he regains control of his camera, Kable has driven far away from the war-zone where other users are still being devoured by Grues. And Olipro's somehow caught onto the top of the car and is hanging on with a vicious, aggressive expression on his face.)

Olipro- DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIEEE!!!! (plays the song on his HTC Smartphone, in a clear case of product placement.)

(Kable begins to swerve the car here and there, though we can't quite make sense of where he's going. The next thing we see is an RPG blowing up the car, and the following message appears on screen.)

You do not have permission to play Game:Slayers for the following reason-

FRAG'D

You can still watch the game on TV, prior to you arrest and prosecution, but cannot control, animate, use to kill, or do anything with your perma-banned vandal's account anymore!

Editing from User:Kable has been disabled by The Right Honourable Zombiebaron for the following reason(s):

Moved out of play area. You're screwed, buddy.

This block has been set to expire: never. Block ID is 6669.

You can watch Game:Slayers, but YOU CAN'T SHED THE BLOOD MOTHAFUCKA!

More than likely, you were banned because you failed to read or understand Uncyclopedia's Gaming Contract, The Oath of Allegiance to the Zombiebaron, and/or The Complete and Official Guide to Game:Slayers, Available for $95.99. If this is the case, or even if it's not, take some time to read these documents now.

After you've taken the time to read the above articles and you feel like you are ready to make a comeback to Game:Slayers, you may contact ChiefjusticeDS or one (1) of the other administrators to discuss the block. If you are just an enthusiast marketing specialist, Russian spy, or vandal, it will probably give them a good laugh.

Your IP address is 33.123.840.899. If you have an actual user name, please include this in any queries you make, along with your ssn, a credit card number, and any bank account numbers you have.

If you'd like to see the log of your ban, the reason, duration, and time of issuance can be found in Special:Ipblocklist and Special:Log/block.

It might be possible to plead your case over IRC, if you didn't do anything really wrong, or if you can prove that you have fully educated yourself by reading the above articles. Log into the UnGames channel with the same username you use here, and start begging. Bring flowers, a positive attitude, and a cheery hello. None of those will help, but occasionally admins take pity on FRAGees. (Often just before they get fired for being softies.)

Also Note

(Kable is driving away to the super-secret place