User:Regret Tenenbaum/Reservoir

The Reservoir

This is where I keep my various unused writings. Not to be confused with my sandbox...

Currently devoid of humorous thoughts at the moment...

UnNews:Jason likes Sarah!

Bradbury Avenue Elementary School - The situation between Jason and Sarah came to a head today as sources confirmed that Jason McPhearson does, in fact, like Sarah Bellamy, despite rumors that he likes Rachel Rivera. This was confirmed when the station was contacted by Darin Reyes, Jason's BFF. "He said dat he likes Sarah. Yah." said Darin "But it's a secret so you have to pwomise not to tell anyone. ... Pwomise? ... Pinky pwomise?"

Despite the sacred covenant that is the pinky promise, the secret leaked out and into the ears of Jason's schoolmates, and possibly Sarah herself. Jason was mortified.

The situation exploded in a fit of rage when Jason made death threats to Darin during recess. "My broder goes to college and he's gonna kick your butt, Darin!" said the enraged first grader.

UnNews Arts and/or Crafts May Save Planet

As the planet is being ruined by care-free activities, waste has become a way of life, the oil conglomerates further their probes into society, and the planet plunges into a pit of despair as a new dark egological age dawns upon humanity, caused by it's own negligent, sedentary lifestyle - one man found a solution that could save our planet. That man... er, child is Sarah Bellamy, 7-year-old savior of Bradbury Avenue Elementary School.

The story broke earlier this week during Arts and Crafts period, when Sarah unveiled her "indoor decaration module", made from a reclycled carton of OJ, after which she commented: "maybe we could, liek, make stuff out of trash." Soon, the students of her class, inspired by her stroke of genius, returned home and collected every piece of trash, garbage, and unsightly junk and created various forms of thingamabobbers, do-hickies, and whatyoumacallits. Al Gore, noted eco-phile, soon caught whiff of the recycled masterpieces.

...

I Love You

Sally! Sally! It's me, Alex! Um... well, you might be wondering why I had to reach you by means of obscure comedy wiki - first off, your voicemail is on the fritz... or full. Your e-mail, too. And I can't seem to find you on Myspace. And you seem to have accidentally changed your locks... anywho, I just really needed to reach you. You see, despite what we said last time we met, and despite what I saw Jeff doing to you behind the dumpster, the truth is - I love you. }}

UnBooks:My Pet Crab

For the whole first day, the crab just floated there in the jar, trying to keep from drowning. Apparently, my dad hadn't put enough stones in the jar to allow the crab to keep it's rocky little body above water. At least it was interesting then. It would flail it's many legs round, snapping it's claws and entertaining my little brother and I. Eventually, my dad put less water and more rocks in the jar and the crab was content. It perched itself on the rocks and contently blew bubbles from it's tiny slit of a mouth. And it did so... for quite a while.

The Uncyc Before Christmas

Sidenote: Yes, some of this is the real poem, but I'm working on translating it to Uncyc-iese. Why am I starting in September? Cos I'm an eager moron, that's why.

'Twas Uncyc, before Christmas, when all through the site

Not an edit was stirring, not one single byte;

Templates were hung by the talk-pages with grieve,

Pathetic attempts to spread a nice Christmas eve;

Recent Changes was hollow, no time to edit,

Time for last-minute presents that ruin your credit;

Not even I was on Uncyc, nay, alone on IRC

QQQ

When out of nowhere arose such a "ping!",

Breaking silence like a hammer, in my ears it did ring.

Away to Recent Edits I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

UnNews:Orian called me a faggot

It's in my freaking sig. How straight is that?

That's right. Orian57, second-most gay user on all of Uncyc (second only to Fag - I mean, seriously. It's in his username.) Called the most heterosexual of all heterosexual users, Regret Tenenbaum (a.k.a. me) a faggot. Let that sink in for a second. Faggot. Orian called me a FAGGOT. Has your head exploded yet? No? Good.

Not only am I the straightest user ever to hit Uncyc, I am the definition of straight. Look it up. On Wikitionary. Yeah, that edit from earlier today. Right before ...blocked User:Regret Tenenbaum (Talk|contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (faggot). Yeah, that one. You see!

Not since something or other that happened a long time ago that was a major offense to Uncyclopedians everywhere has there been such a major offense to Uncyclopdians everywhere. Do you not understand? Remember who lead the Hetero Brigade during the infamous Porn Wars? Me, that's who. And Orian still has the dammed nerve to call me a faggot.

So what did I do about it? I did what any self-respecting manly-man would do. I raped him. Vigorously. Yes, up the butt, why do you ask?

UnBooks:Time to Die

Frank ran, and smashed the window into a million, glistening pieces, each one flaming with light, consumed from the ball of fire that singed Frank's footfalls. Crimson fingers ran across Frank's face, and blood followed like flames follow a nuclear warhead, and soon Frank was in mid-air, sixty floors high, with a wall of hellfire following close.

The author of this article has expressed an interest in other users collaborating on this article. Why don't you?. A bunch of crazy crap.