User:Raliter/Gun: The Game
| Gun: The Game | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer(s) | Bungie |
| Publisher(s) | Your mom |
| Engine | 3D |
| Release date(s) | Tommorow |
| Genre(s) | Killer |
| Mode(s) | War |
| Rating(s) | M for Mature |
| Platform(s) | Xbox 360 |
| Media(s) | 12 inch CD |
| System Requirements | 80KB RAM |
| Input | I really dont care, do you care |
Quick Intro[edit | edit source]
GUN is set in the American West in the 1800's and is a game about greed, betrayal, and conveniently placed barrels of TNT.
Characters[edit | edit source]
- Cold cut “Cole” White- Cole is the main character in GUN and is also an athiest. He and his Gwampa, Ned White, hunt in the Northern Rockies to provide for a gay cruise ship, the Morning Star.
- Thomas MacGyver- MacGyver is the Pimp of the entire West. During the Civil War, MacGyver led a group of Confederated solider’s in a scavenger hunt for his birthday party into the West to search for Quivira, a lost city of gold. When the hunt failed, MacGyver had a temper tantrum and decided he would take his anger out on the local population. He has a beard.
- Reverend Jojo Reed- Reverend Reed, as his name implies, is a Reverend named Reed. Reed is MacGyver's bitch. He does everything MacGyver tells him to do, and, although it isn't mentioned in the storyline, is a grue. He has the most awesome looking horse in the game. Seriously, if God was a cowboy, this is the horse he would ride. At the end of the game you steal it from him and ransom it back to God..... for a price.
- Ned “Gwampa” White- Ned is Cole's Gwampa. He came to the West with MacGyver in his scavenger hunt, and was shot by MacGyver in his temper tantrum when the hunt failed. However, unknown to MacGyver, he survived. The Witness Relocation Program placed Ned in the Northern Rockies as a mountain man. He also has a beard.
- Mayor Hobo Brown- Mayor Hobo Brown is another of MacGyver's bitches. He runs the town of Empire, New Mexico with an iron fist and a french-looking moustache. Nobody in town likes him very much because of his french-looking moustache, So he hired two illegal immigrants, Webb and Runnynose, to do his dirty word for him.
- Hollister- During the Civil War, Hollister led a group of solider’s in a fort overlooking the Missouri River. After the war, Hollister and his men held a kegger, in which some unmentionable things occurred. Needless to say, he and his men decided to stay away from the public to avoid being discriminated against and ending up on Dateline NBC with Chris Hanson. He has a beard.
- bitchtits mcfagstick- Jenny is a prostitute. Cole meets her in an online dating chatroom, and together they travel to Empire. In Empire, Jenny is killed by Reed, giving us one more reason to hate him.
- Patrick Ewing- Pat is the Sherif of Dodge city. In Cole's stay in Dodge, Pat hire's Cole to run a few errand's because Pat
cannot do anything by himselfis too busy. Pat is always nowhere to be found when trouble brews, but we don't hold it against him. He has a moustache.
- Clay Verison- Clay is the leader of the resistance against MacGyver and his crew. Clay also accompanied MacGyver in his scavenger hunt. But, when MacGyver shoots Ned, Clay does nothing about it. Now, in Clay's defense, at that time Clay was still a little boy who's testicles hadn’t dropped yet. He has a moustache.
- Pork- Cole meets Pork in jail with Scruffy. Pork is Clay's right hand man in the resistance. Pork is five times the man Clay will ever be. He has a moustache.
- Scruffy- Scruffy is a safe cracker/poker player/nagging bitch. The only purpose of Scruffy in this game is to piss Cole off with constant nagging about everything, and getting in trouble so that Cole can get him out of it. Scruffy has no facial hair, but he does have a top hat, which sort of makes up for it.
- Douchebag- Douchebag is from Germany. Or Russia. Or... uh... well... anyway, he is MacGyver's bodyguard and life partner. Douchebag and MacGyver enjoy a strange fetish of cutting appendages off of people. He has, by far, the most awesome beard in the game.
- JJ Webb- Webb is one of the men hired by Hobo Brown to do his dirty work. For a time, Cole works with Webb and Runnynose as a depute in Empire. But, later, Webb and Runnynose trick Cole and Cole is forced to open a can of whoop ass on Webb and Runnynose. He has a beard.
- Dirty Dave Runnynose- Runnynose is the same as Webb. He has a beard.
- Chavez y Chavez- Chavez is Clay's other right hand man in the resistance. Due to a lack of African Americans in GUN, Chavez y Chavez assumes the role of the "Token Black Guy". He has a moustache.
- Fights-With-Stick- Cole meets up with Fights-With-Stick later in his travels. Fights-With-Stick then proceeds to ramble on about a time when Cole was attacked by a cougar and a shaman of his tribe healed him. Cole teams up with Fights-With-Stick to tag-team Hollister.
- Many Self-Inflicted-Cuts- Cole learns that Many Self-Inflicted-Cuts and himself use to know each other when they were children, but then they were split by social services. Many self-Inflicted-Cuts helps Cole to get MacGyver.
- Quick Masturbater- This little bastard leads a group of Apaches that disrupt the work on the bridge in Dodge City and cut the telegraph wire. Needless to say, Quick Masturbater doesn't live very long.
- Honest Asshole- This guy seems really cool at first, teaching Cole how to ride a horse, then giving it to him for free. But then the bastard's men show up and try to kill Cole for his token to the Alhambra saloon in Dodge. This man deserves no facial hair.
- Sadie- Sadie is a prostitute aboard the Morning Star before it is destroyed. We see her and Ned enter a room and close the door. We can't tell exactly what is going on, but we can guess. That bastard Reed kills her too. Bastard.
Storyline[edit | edit source]
Cold Cut "Cole" White and his Gwampa hunt game along the Missouri River for a steamboat called the Morning Star. Aboard the ship, we see Gwampa go into a room with a prostitute and close the door (Gwampa, you dirty dog, you!). While Cole is outside, he is approached by Reverend Reed, of whom we have no reason to hate... yet. Reed follows the prostitute, Sadie, and starts threatening her. Sadie, warning charges of sexual harassment, walks away. Reed then throws a Tomahawk into the back of her head, and now, needless to say, IT'S ON. All of a sudden, the steamboat is attacked by half-naked men and Cole is forced to kick some ass. After awhile, the attackers become too many to handle, and Gwampa gives Cole a token to the Alhambra whore house in Dodge city and tells him a terrible secret... HE ISN'T COLE'S GWAMPA!!! Gwampa throw's Cole off the steamer right before it explodes killing everyone including Gwampa.
Cole wakes up being kicked in the side by Honest Asshole. At first, he seems like a cool guy. A wager is placed on a horse race and if Cole wins, he gets the horse, and if Asshole wins, he gets the whore house token. So, Cole kicks his ass in the race and he gives you the horse, but just as Cole is about to leave the Asshole's men show up and try to kill Cole. Cole kicks some more ass and off he goes to Dodge.
In Dodge city, Cole meets up with Jenny. Within 30 seconds of the meeting Jenny is taken hostage by the Red Hand Gang and Cole has to free Jenny, save the Alhambra from being burned down, and has an intense shootout with some of the Red Hand Gang members. Now, this entire time, where the fuck is the Sherif Pat Ewing? When the show is over, the sherif finally comes out of hiding and hires you for something he is not man enough to do. Cole has to protect some Chinamen while they fix up the bridge while Pat sits on his ass up on top of the bridge. Quick Masturbater shows up and shows some resistance, but Cole wins in the end. So, now that the bridge is complete, its on to Empire!
After a completely univentfull trip to Empire, Cole meets Mayor Hobo Brown and Brown hires Cole to do some jobs. Immediately, Cole is sent with Brown's Depute's Webb and Runnynose to stop a member of the resistance that is in town. The trio follows the resistance member to a farm where whoop ass is served. The trio open a barn door to find two teens making out, and Webb and Runnynose, being the devout Christians that they are, shot the couple for their practice of Original Sin. Cole is an Atheist and doesn't care much for Webb and Runnynose's view twords free love, so he kills them.
Cole heads back to Empire to kill Brown, but upon arriving, Brown tells him Reed is inside with Jenny. Cole goes inside only to see that bastard Reed kill Jenny! NOOOOOOO!! Just as Cole is about to rip Reed apart, Brown comes from behind him and smashes a bottle against his head, knocking him out cold. Cole wakes up staring at MacGyver. MacGyver rambles about his scavenger hunt them orders Cole hung for the murder of Jenny, and Cole is thrown in jail.
In jail, Cole meets Pork, a member of the resistance, and Scruffy, the safecracker. After a miraculous escape, Pork takes Cole to his hideout in the mountains where Cole meets Clay Verison and Chavez y Chavez. The resistance ambushes a train and steals a Gatling gun, thanks to Cole, and back at camp they all PARTAYYY. Clay, being the buzz-kill that he is, starts rambling about the scavenger hunt.
A group of MacGyver's men, along with Gwampa and Clay, go to a small Apache village looking for a doctor to lead them to the last part of MacGyver's scavenger hunt. An Injun confronts MacGyver and MacGyver shoots him. MacGyver then decapitates Dr. Campbell and shoots Gwampa. Clay finds the cross piece and throws it to MacGyver. An Injun woman shoots MacGyver and the solders shoot everyone in a random act of violence.
Finally, Clay shuts up and... OH NO! The base is being attacked and its up to Cole to save the day! AGAIN. Clay is captured to no one's great surprise and the resistance captures a Howitzer. Now its on to Empire again to save Clay and kill Brown!
Cole single-handedly saves Clay, found in Brown's basement wearing a clown costume, kills Hobo Brown and manages to get some info about the steamer and Sadie. So now its on to Dodge!
Cole ride's to Dodge to get Scruffy to help him open the safe and get the piece of the cross, only to find out that Scruffy is in trouble AGAIN. And guess where Pat is. He's tied up on the bridge crying like a bitch. After saving Scruffy single-handedly without Pat's help, the pair ride to the ship only to find Hollister's Fort. Cole goes to get a better look of the fort leaving Scruffy with the order to "watch the path". Suddenly someone comes out from behind Scruffy with a gun pointed at his head. Nice job watching the path Scruffy.
While being help prisoner in the fort, they meet some friendly Injuns who help them escape. The Injuns and Cole take the fort, but that crafty bastard Hollister escapes. Cole, Scruffy, and Fights-With-Stick take a boat to the beach where they find Hollister. Hollister throws a stick of dynamite at the Chief that sends him flying right into a rock, and somehow the Chief survives. So anyway, Cole goes after Hollister and kicks his ass. Hollister then, being close to death, stuffs some lit dynamite into his uniform and runs at Cole screaming "Praise Allah! Death to the Infidel's!!!". Hollister comes pathetically short of hurting Cole with the blast, Cole takes back his Gwampa's rifle, and Cole and Scruffy head to the steamer.
Scruffy opens the safe, with the cross there, but guess who shows up. That bastard Reed saying "Thanks for saving me the trouble of opening that myself." LAZY PRICK! Cole opens up a can of whoop ass on Reed and, after shooting Reed in the leg, shoves his gun in his mouth and shoots the bastard! YES!!! So, Cole and Scruffy head to the Apache Camp to reunite the pieces of the cross only to be captured and taken to Many Self-Inflicted-Cuts.
Many Self-Inflicted-Cuts starts rambling, telling more of Cole's childhood. An Injun woman gives Lil' Many Self-Inflicted-Cuts a baby and tells them to hide. Then, we see MacGyver in his temper tantrum shooting Dr. Campbell and the baby's father, along with the rest of the villagers. Many Self-Inflicted-Cuts finds his dead father, swears a jihad, then finds Cole's Gwampa. Many Self-Inflicted-Cut gives the baby to Gwampa and we find out that Cole is the baby. In conclusion, COLE IS AN INJUN!
Scruffy, Cole, Many Self-Inflicted-Cuts and some other injuns head to the spot where the cross is placed to find Quivira. We find out that MacGyver, being the dumb fuck that he is, got the right spot, but was digging down instead of up. What a dumb bastard! Scruffy, being the clumsy bastard that he is, falls down the hill and Douchebag captures him. Cole fights down the mountain and saves Scruffy, AGAIN, but not after MacGyver blows two of his fingers off. That'll teach him. Scruffy tells Cole that he told MacGyver where the gold was (dumb bastard), and Cole goes off and kills Douchebag on a train. Clay gets on the train with Cole and together they head full speed for the mine and jump off the train in slow motion right before it hits the doors to the mine.
After fighting his way into the mine, the mine starts to collapse due to MacGyver's shitty mining fund. Clay and his men start crying, and Cole tells them to either stop bitching or get out. So, after Clay and his men leave, Cole goes ahead to find MacGyver in Quivira. After a meaningless conversation, Cole starts kicking MacGyver's ass. MacGyver runs away to a safer spot up high in the cavern and starts taking cheap shots at Cole. Then the dumb bastard starts throwing dynamite. I mean honestly! The mine is already collapsing and MacGyver starts throwing fucking dynamite! Jesus Christ! So, Cole uses the dynamite against him, shooting it in the air when he throws it. Finally, the dynamite blasts a huge rock out of place that crushes MacGyver. So, with the mine collapsing, Cole gets out with Many Self-Inflicted-Cuts help, and they all live happily ever after. Except MacGyver, Reed, Hollister, Hobo Brown, Webb, Runnynose, countless others and all those poor, poor barrels of TNT...