User:RAHB/HowTo:Eat a cake made entirely of cayenne pepper

You. A moron of ostensibly the very greatest degree.

In the history of Earth and its artificial orbiting life-platforms, the question has often arisen, "How does one eat a cake made entirely of cayenne pepper?" The answer, truly, is "with great care — and 10 liters of milk."

However, for some, this answer has not been satisfactory. Especially since the discovery of the moon-cow, further questions, including "what sort of milk?" and "if it is to be moon-cow milk, from which of its 32 udders should it be squeezed?" have spontaneously germinated, befuddling the senses of those who asked the original question. It is now seen that the seemingly-innocent question, "How does one eat a cake made entirely of cayenne pepper?" is, in fact, a Gordian riddle of such complexity that it is capable of starting wars -- nay, even ending entire civilizations.

Therefore, it is with a trembling hand — trembling at the importance of the subject now before us — that we set forth these mighty and august rules for the Eating of Cakes Made Entirely From Cayenne Pepper. Feel free, O posterity, to disregard them — at your peril.

Step The First: STOP!

You are an idiot. This is an activity so thoroughly fraught with inherent danger that it is impossible to overstate. What in the bloody blue blazes could drive a person such as yourself — a theoretically sane, well-educated person — to do such a thing?

Step One: Size The Thing Up

A monster like this could keep you up all night. In a hospital bed.

To begin, one must find out exactly what in the ruddy hell it is one is dealing with here. Many an inexperienced cayenne cake eater has suffered fate worse than death due to simply neglecting this preparation. Certainly, a person of great common sense and some worldly knowledge may be able to take his time, eating the cake in bites small enough not to cause severe internal and external damage. But for most, the ratio of size-to-injury of cayenne cake is an obscure mathematical equation indeed. Unlike a marble cake, a quartz cake, or even the elusive chalcocite cake, a cayenne cake can actually hurt you, and not just when used as a projectile. Therefore, it is important that before doing anything at all, you measure the cake in question. In the original recipe for cayenne cake, found in a plagiarized version of the Bible, it is recommended to take these measurements while listening to Echoes, a work by the ancient Earth band Pink Floyd. What direct effect this has on the cake-eating process is uncertain, but be warned, thrill-seekers. Reluctance to fulfill this requirement has occasionally led to third-, fourth- or even fifth-degree burns. The humanity!

Step Something Else: Never, For the Love of Cthullhu, Sneeze Whilst Eating Such A Cake

I believe Her Majesty Callipygius II, Ruler of Earth (Excepting Those Pesky Australian Territories) was the last person to sneeze whilst eating such a cake...unfortunately, her remains are still too hot to touch or even look at — which is why they are currently ensconced within a 15-meter-thick layer of lucite. It is, indeed, such an irresponsible act that, since the passage of the Maritime Smuggling and Assorted Other Tacked-On Laws Act of 2051, it has been punishable, not by your death (that's a foregone conclusion), but by the death of your family members — supposing, of course, that you didn't sneeze on them. (In which case, they're already dead as well — this fact is believed to technically count as a loophole in the law — a loophole that all 50,000 members of the Congress of Earth are feverishly attempting to close, as this very document is being written.)

This being the case, it is recommended that an anti-histamine be taken prior to handling of the cake, although not enough so much as to incite hallucinations or the tendency to walk into traffic believing to be embarking on a pilgrimage to the promised land.

Step Another: Hardly A Step, But Possibly Motivation For You To Try This Ridiculous Activity

Of course, the only reason you could desire to eat a such a cake is to attempt to harness the power of the Dong of Osiris — what is the Dong of Osiris, you ask?

In ancient, olden times, before the advent of plumbing, good beer, or even reliable historians, there were gods. One of them, Osiris, was a mighty and powerful god. Jealous of his power, his half-brother Set killed him and cut him into small pieces, which he cast into the Nile. Osiris' sister Isis found the pieces and reassembled them — save for his dong, which had been devoured by a crocodile. Despairing, she made him a magnificent new one of fragrant cedar, which she steeped in the blood of a Teutonic virgin nymph — and then reanimated him, by feeding him a cake made entirely of cayenne. From that day forth, anyone who successfully eats such a cake — and there have been precious few! — have been imbued by it with the mighty, awe-striking powers of the Dong of Osiris: the ability to pole-vault without a pole, the ability to impersonate a tripod, the ability to raise the dead — and the ability to please everyone in a room sexually...without getting up from a seated position. Truly, with powers like these, the wearing of a cape suddenly becomes, not absurd, but compulsory.

Ye Gods! What have I done, telling you of this — I can see the avarice rising in your eyes, O Reader!