User:Pocketthesaurus/UnNews:In wacky mix-up, Georgia executes innocent man
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
22 September 2011
JACKSON, Georgia -- Troy Davis, convicted of several zoning violations - including dumping chemical waste in his bathroom sink - was executed by lethal injection on Wednesday night.
Davis's case is fraught with controversy, as 7 of the 9 former roommates that had testified against him later recanted their testimony. Despite the recantations (not to be confused with incantations), Davis never received a new trial.
Strapped to a gurney and minutes from death, Davis stated that he had not recalled being sentenced to death for his misdemeanor crimes.
When asked if he had any last words, Davis attempted to inform the prison officials of his plight by saying, "I really don't recall the sentencing being this harsh. I must protest what you are trying to do."
After being informed that he was to be put to death for the murder of a police officer, Davis protests increased. "Wait, what the fuck? I didn't kill any police officer! You have the wrong man!", he tearfully screamed at prison officials and observers.
"Yeah, yeah, they all say `I didn't do it` and things like that," said Prison Warden Richard Zankiwecz.
The execution went ahead as scheduled. Only after Davis was administered the final, life-ending drug, was it discovered that there was another Troy Davis who had been waiting outside of the execution chamber the entire time!
"Oh dear," muttered Zankiwecz.
Prison guard Tommy Richards tapped on the observation room glass and told the crowd, "Attention folks! There has been a wacky mix-up. We apologize. I assure you that that all of us, Warden Zankiwecz included, are very, very, very, VERY sorry. Please stay calm and we'll be back in business promptly."
The crowd sighed in disbelief.
Richards continued, "Since it will take a few minutes, you could use this time to visit our concession stand and refill your refreshments. After that, however, we ask that everybody remain in your seats for the entirety of tonight's feature presentation, which will begin shortly."
The crowd of observers immediately broke in to fierce conversation.
Comments like "What the fuck? Are they for real?" and "Two executions in one night? This is getting to be as good as Texas!" were heard from various crowd members.
After the other Troy Davis was strapped in to the gurney, he was asked if he had any last words.
Davis #2 replied, "I must protest what you are about to do! I didn't kill any police officer!"
Warden Zankiwecz said "Deja-Vu. Now get it over with!", and the execution commenced immediately.
Troy Davis (#2), as you may recall, was sentenced to death for the murder of Officer Mark MacPhail, who had MacPhailedTM at stopping the other crime Davis was accused of committing: armed robbery.
In the end, the true MacPhailureTM ultimately seems to be that of the Georgia state prison system, who executed an innocent man this evening.
The next execution scheduled in Georgia is that of Hat McCullough. Hat McCullough is a notorious convicted baby murderer from the town of South Park, Colorado. He was released in from a Colorado penitentiary in 2002 after a citizens group (and several celebrities, including George Lucas) rallied to his defense. After his release, Hat quickly translocated to Georgia where he lived peacefully for three months before going on to savagely murder many more babies.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- John Rudolf "Troy Davis Executed: Controversially Convicted Inmate Maintains Innocence Until The End" HuffPost, September 21, 2011