User:Padimir Padoffski/UnNews: Catholic Church outlaws sausages
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Earlier today the Catholic Church announced its global condemnataion of sausages. This comes just days after their attempt to remove the word 'crack' from the English dictionary. A spokesman for the Vatican said:
'We wish to remove these disgusting objects from the world so that a trip to the supermarket will not remind you of genitals. Oh no! I uttered a profanity!'
The interview ended there after he took to whipping himself.
Reactions to this have been mixed. In Germany, street protests have turned into riots with effigies of the pope being burned and raped. Islamic fundamentalists have praised the Church for their decision and will not be lynching any Christians for a week as a sign of goodwill. Silvio Berlusconi has publically expressed his outrage at the decision and says he will flood Vatican City with porno in a week if the Pope continues with this new policy.
It is understood that the punishments for sausage related crimes will be very severe. Anyone caught making, selling, buying, eating, or talking about sausages will be crucified.
This news comes as a huge blow to sausage makers around the world. The managing director of Walls has already thrown himself off a bridge. Pig farmers all over the world have gone on strike over this and many have already had to force their daughters into prostitution to pay the bills.
Underground 'Sausage Rings' have already started to develop in defiance of the Pope's will. One man, who will remain anonymous, said that his group, the 'Kraut Makers', will continue to make, eat and distribute sausages. Even so, the future of sausages looks shadowy. They may never rise again.