User:Orion Blastar/Wikipedia
Hi there this is Jimbo Wales with yet another annoying advert about donating money to Wikimedia Foundation so I can afford another yacht for my fleet and pay my ugly arse employees a salary. Plus them super model women want more money to hang out with me on my yachts, see the picture below.
Yeah I know we don't even have a working business plan, yeah I know we fritter away the money on useless things like executive bonuses and salaries of $5 million a year each. The rest of it comes from your pocket change so we can pay our wage slaves writers some money to edit and write more articles for our web site. These are college drop outs, not just because they are stupid or lazy but rather they decided to sacrifice their PhD from Harvard (citation needed) and drop their dream of being a college professor/teacher to write for Wikipedia and spread the knowledge for free. But spreading it for free is not free, it costs money. I know, right? Look when I started Wikipedia it was a porn site, a porn site I ran out of my parent's basement in 1999 on a Packard Bell 486SX system and 8M of RAM running Linux 1.0 and Apache 1.0 and the beta of something called MediaWiki and I called it Nudepedia. I secretly videotaped my parents having sex and using my job as a janitor at a run-down motel I secretly taped couples having sex in the motel rooms. But I was shocked to find out nobody wanted to pay or donate money for cheap ass porn videos of fat and ugly people. RMS wrote an essay about free and open source articles on the Internet becoming a free encyclopedia so I went with that idea. So I quickly renamed the web site to Wikipedia and made it an encyclopedia web site.
True story, bro! I started out with nothing but a crappy Packard Bell 486SX based web server. I figured that this free and open source thing would earn me millions even billions or something and help me move out of my parents' basement and get a real career. I am still waiting for that. I am not a good business person, plus math is too hard for me, and I cannot leech off my parents forever and living on one of my many yachts makes me seasick. So please donate for my Wikipedia's cause.
Today I still live in my parents' basement, but own five yachts and need a sixth one to complete the set. The golden coffee pot and silver coffee mugs need replacement in the executive meeting room, and my employees like Maryana Pinchuk need new tables and chairs as the used ones I bought from a bingo hall were so shitty they wore out. Some group called ECW sold them to us and professional wrestlers used them for something, so they were worn out already but cheap, really really cheap. If you don't mind dents, bends, and broken wood and apply some duct tape they are good enough to use for a while.
Now Maryana Pinchuk, she don't look like much but boy can she research. She has herpderpitist and cannot help but look that way. (citation needed) We hired her away from Harvard where she was earning a PhD in the Liberal Arts (citation needed) and wanted to be a teacher, but I took her away from that. I put her and 45 other employees in a single room with a shitty folding table and no chairs. Yes you read that correct, no chairs!
I had already bought my third yacht by that time and there was no money left for chairs. In fact there were no pens either, I had to buy some feathers and then an octopus and then milk the octopus for ink to use for jars to dip the feathers in for pen writing. I am not a crappy boss, I just don't know how business works. I thought a non-profit foundation didn't have to earn money to pay off expenses as I thought everything was free. I was shocked by my third year of running Wikipedia that employees need to be paid money, turns out they got evicted from their apartment and were living outside our building in cardboard boxes. Look I got 45 employees and none of them know how to write a business plan that works. So we need your donations.
I asked, and begged for more money but you didn't donate it. So I had to borrow some money from a loan shark, if we don't pay up in a few months they are going to take over Wikipedia and replace it with a Fox News clone Wiki and you don't want that. You already suffer our competitor Conservapedia and our other competitor The Truth, and our yet another competitor Uncyclopedia, and yet another competitor with the initials ED that must not be named! But look Wikipedia is so trusted that college students copy and paste our articles and earn A's, (citation needed) that is because of the computer viruses we put on college computers to steal essays and articles of straight A students that are already in the MLA format and convert them to HTML and copy and paste them into Wikipedia. The Ultra-Left Wing Neo-Liberal professors agree, Wikipedia is a trusted source in articles. (Citation Needed)
We are desperate for money, while we have no ads as they can bias an article, we do accept donations from companies, groups, and people to write fluff articles on them to make them look better and then do hatchet jobs on their enemies. If your company has a product, or book, or newspaper, or whatever we can cite it as a link and offer our Wikimedia Click-Back service where when someone clicks the link to your product or service that was cited or even linked in the bottom of one of our articles you pay us money. If you don't pay money we remove the links and add in links to your competitors. It is like Kick-backs only better because most people are too stupid to notice them and just click on links anyway.
Don't like an article, well pay us $100,000USD and we will change it in your favor. We will even keep the edits protected for like a month or so, and then after that if you don't pay us again we remove the protection and let vandals get at it. Now you don't want some troll or vandal writing in your article that you are gay or a pedophile or an alien NAZI lizard from Hollow Earth now do you? With your payment of article-protection money we can keep the articles on you safe from the general public in that anyone can edit the page. We do this on a regular basis, honest! For $200,000 we will write a conspiracy theory about your enemy and say they are a NWO member or something, then protect the article for a month, unless you don't pay us to protect it. Catching on? Good! We call this eBlackmail or Article Blackmail or just plain good business.
While we don't have a working business plan, we are in business to earn money for stuff that should have been free in the first place. Yeah we know your ass is too lazy to go to a public library and read books for free there and use their free Internet and paid for services that they provide a free account for like Ebscohost and Lexxus systems and other research web sites for free peer reviewed article lookup, but Wikipedia is for the lazy lot who are so ignorant they don't know what a public library is, and believe whatever they read on the Internet. Look you need to think and get out and do stuff to read peer reviewed articles by actually known notable people that have been verified as true, but you know you want the free Wikipedia with anonymous IPs and nicknames and handles editing it that have not been verified. Why use an actual encyclopedia when Wikipedia can work just as well? (Citation Needed)
That is our target market, you! All the smart people look up stuff at public libraries for free, but not you, you lazy slacker who plays video games all day and works fast food jobs and surfs the Internet on 10 year old computers using a DSL provided low cost by the government because you are poor. Just look in your sofa and find the loose change and then put it in an envelope and send it to Jimbo Wales at P.O. Box 666 Liars Lane, San Francisco California 94131 bka Twin Peaks where the crazy people live. If you don't donate we will Occupy The Internet! (Citation Needed)