Homelander

This article has been APPROVED by Vought International.

Now please, can we just go home now, Homelander?

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Drink breast milk! It will make you as strong and powerful as Homelander! NOT!

The Homelander is God's chosen one. He is better. STRONGER! He is the real hero, the greatest one we have ever seen. Homelander keeps us safe from terrorists, illegal Mexicans trying to cross the border, commies from Durka-Durkastan trying to make us bow to Ho Chi-Min in Pyongyang, Russia Jesus, is that correct? No way I'm putting that down- okay, I'll keep going! and anti-Supe Antifa Starlighters trying to pervert our country into sucking dick and becoming non-gender-comforming fags who will all inject ourselves in the ass with the flu vaccine, die of AIDS, and become China's bitch. Except for Brave Queen Maeve, who is so brave as a lesbian and loves Homelander too.

And he totally doesn't like milk-

Taking over for the last intern who was just lasered to death. So much blood.. Anyways Disregard the last half sentence. Uh, does anyone known how to erase on this thing? No? He drinks milk because it makes him strong! Therefore we should hand over all milk supplies in our country so Homelander can be infinitely stronger and we can be weaker! Then we'll need Homelander all the time what the hell am I even typing-

Totally Verified Early Life

Oh my God, did Homelander just laser that other intern's head off for being too much of an ass kisser in the intro? WHY DID WE ALL GET LOCKED IN THIS DARK ROOM WITH THIS MANIAC TO WRITE HIS ENCYCLOPEDIA ARTICLE?

I will NEVER write a bunch of lies about you! Not unless you give me better pay-AHHHH MY PUCKERED ASSHOLE! ARRRrrfufhfh-

[blood splatter sounds]

I'll take over. Gee Willikers! Don't want to be like that other complaining intern who got turned inside out like a sock puppet! I'll be a good boy!

So.. Homelander was born on another planet named Homeplanet, son of Home-El and Lara Lor-Sandwichmaker. His parents sent him away to Earth before General Fag and his liberal Antifa army overthrew Homeplanet's government and due to their excessively woke government policies, Homeplanet blew Satan's dick as a planet and blew up, killing everyone. That's why gay sex is.. bad unless you're lesbian! As long as the lesbians also have sex with Homelander. Heh heh

Hey, shut up, we're not plagiarizing Superman's origin story. Superman is lame, and we at Vought are so much better than that stupid knockoff in DC Comics!

And you're still complaining! Oh, thanks so much, Homelander, for tossing that bitch across the room and smashing her skull. Aww, you didn't have to say that, Homelander! I know you said I was the real hero, but really, you're the real hero- okay I'll keep going!

Young Homelander landed on this planet, get it? Homie from Homeplanet landed on our planet, and that's why we call him Homelander!

Oh okay, I'm sorry! Bad pun, don't hurt me with your laser eyes, heheh..

Homelander was found by a couple in Winnepeg- sorry, Oklahoma! I totally forgot you were American-raised, just like all of us! Please don't kill me.. and he really enjoyed playing with his uh, blanket more than anything else-

NononononoNO PLEASE NOT THE NIPPLE TWIST NOOOOOOOOO-ahhhhguehehhsususuhshshpleahhhhhhhh..

The (totally true and trustworthy) adventures of Homelander!

What an amateur, don't these interns know by now never to mention blankets around Homelander? Serves that kid right to get his heart torn out of his chest.

Alright! Big dawg stepping in now! Adam Bourke, head director of Vought Studios stepping in, telling the tale of Homelander like no one ever had before!

Homelander has been America's premium superhero since he was first introduced here by Vought International! He blew up those terrorists in Oklahoma City, never mind that 170ish brave volunteers died helping him. He also threw a bunch of terrorists into the Twin Towers, and let's be real, all the people who died in those towers were Chinese spies anyways, why else would you have a building complex that looks like a pair of chopsticks? He also killed Osama Bin Laden and ISIS by himself! No collateral damage done aside from what those damn Pakistanis staged! Ungrateful head-diaper wearers.. And most of all, he saved us again by having sex with an asteroid about to hit the earth, making it go away and kill all those freaks on Mars and Russia instead! Homelander has been keeping America safe and clean since his inception, all with the help of the Seven! He is infallible as the leader of the Seven, all hail Homelander!

Homelander and the Seven are the cheapest, most effective solution in securing your freedom as an American! Totally don't cost $50 trillion per year. And he is this close to defeating Putin once and for all! And that's why you should keep buying Homelander and Vought merchandise! Starting at only $299,999.99 per month for our cheapest bundle!

Yeah, that should do it. Good job everyone! Let's take a break before we publish this article and pay off Wikipedia or something. Creamy delicious milkshakes and ice cream cake for everyone!

Oi, read up, ya cunts!

Due to the Peak missing a critical peep-hole in Vought's cybersecurity and allowing us to wank up their paid-for Uncyclopedia page, we're here to tell ya cunts the truth about Homo-lander, that supe cunt who is such a bloody bastard he raped me wife and created another chump.

Ah, I ain't that good at typing with me jacked-up wrists, anyways. Why don't you give it a spin, Hughie?

Fine, Butcher. Look, we don't have that much time, but if you are reading this, THIS IS THE TRUTH ABOUT HOMELANDER!

Homelander's true, sorry-ass upbringing

Actually, Hughie, lemme take this one part before I let ya take over, will ya?

Now read up, ya nerdy wankers. 'omelander ain't some alien loony from outer space who just fell down from Kingdom Come and was raised up in a normal home. This bloke was actually concocted in a GMO food lab owned by them suckers at Vought, taking some wank juice from Soldier Boy, mixing it with a shit ton of 'roids and drugs (just like any other supe out there, but they put more of 'em steroids in that cum than any other Vought baby), and impregnating some poor lil gal who volunteered, and out came this lil freak who lasered his way outta mummy's tummy, killed the poor young lady. With Daddy Soldier Boy sold to the commies in Russia and put on ice, lil Homie was raised in the lab by scientists, and to be fair, though Soldier Boy was a lousy, shitty supe, he woulda been a better father than those cocksuckers in the lab who likely engineered lil Homie to be the diabolical monster he is today.

Homo-lander grew up to be a cunt, the biggest cunt afteroll, and Vought, which me wife worked for at the time, decided to cover his ass and make 'im look like an actual hero. Can you believe it? Fookin' diabolical, they kep' the world from knowing all the bollocks that Homelander caused around the fookin' globe. Me included.

Now I wasn't the best hubby in the world, but me wife and I had a somewhat loving marriage. Beautiful girl. Apparently, Horn-lander couldn't control himself, so at a party, he tricked Becca into doing some business stuff and fucked her against her will. Didn't see her agin 'til later, then that lil shit Ryan "accidentally" murdered her, but I'm pretty sure based on the video recordin' that... Okay, maybe I really aint the best hubby as she would go wank with 'omelander, but it did look like he violated her-

Oi! Knock it off 'ughie! I ain't done yet. Fine, I'll get to the point and say Becca was raped by Homelander.

And I ain't been the same Billy Butcher since then. Homelander stole me wife, roiped me wife, and caused her to run away. An' now I gotta deal with a supe stepson who also killed her. "Acciden'-ally", of course. Therefore all supes need to die, especially Homelander. Now you should all join me team and-

Okay Butcher, I think you've had enough, let me get to the point. Go watch the perimeter with Annie and MM.

Homelander's attrocities

Hughie here. I'm here to shed light on Homelander's true nature! Let me see, where do I begin:

Yeah, Homie's probably not the real hero here

• Blew up a full passenger plane
• Steals his boss's breast milk for himself to drink
• Has an affair with his boss, yeah that's illegal
• Raped my boss's wife
• Was a douche to his Wonder Woman-esque coworker
• Killed his boss and blamed my boss for it
• Was assigned to save another passenger plane, but got lazy, said "fuck it", and let everyone die on board while sipping a creamy delicious milkshake from the distance

Booby milk makes Homie strong

• Likes booby milk
• Killed my girlfriend's boyfriend- err, ex-boyfriend. Wait maybe that's.. actually no, Annie would kill me.
• Ordered my coworker's wife's boyfriend to be killed.. okay, I see a trend.
• Made my girlfriend's rapist eat fucking Timothy, sure.
• Tried to have my girlfriend kill me, okay never mind, he's not cool.
• Was totally fine with his other coworker running through and shredding my own ex-girlfriend into a puddle of blood and guts- yeah, fuck Homelander!
• Likes titty milk. That's really gross.
• Tried to drown me while "baptizing" me, and that's why I hate organized religion now!
• His only real girlfriend was a Nazi.
• Did a hostile takeover of a company, only to realize he has no fucking clue how to run it.
• Really likes titty milk. What a weirdo.

Homelander: "Yummers, cow-tiddy milk!"

• Lasered a gay dude's ding-dong off when he offered a different type of milk. You coulda just said "no homo", dude.
• Evidently super-farted into my pizza the other day. That supe-stench, dear God..
• Gives no shits when he accidentally kills a bystander
• Would probably kill you if you looked at him funny or messed up his milkshake order
• Would probably kill you if he's bored
• Would kill you if you kiss his ass too much
• Has killed countless times before for the previous three reasons
• Would.. probably toy with you if you had the nerve to stand up to him, then kill or try to kill you once he's tired of you.
• Likes to rape.. actually, Deep is the bigger rapist. Homelander got bored of raping due to shredding every non-supe he has had sex with or raped, aside from Butcher's wife.
• Likes titty milk. A LOT!
• Is pretty much what Donald Trump or Elon Musk would be like as a "superhero", but more evil and unhinged than both of them combined due to liberal, deep state Amazon Vought making him that way
• Murdered all the scientists who turned him into an evil asshole for turning him into an evil asshole in the first place by being evil assholes themselves.
• Still continues to be an evil asshole, meaning there's no hope for him
• Is such a man-child that his own father, who's kinda cool but also kind of a huge dick, wouldn't even take him in.
• Was created to kill his dickish father, but is now more of a problem than his dickish father. Much more.
• Throws tantrums whenever he wants and destroys whatever he wants, and there's nothing and no one who can stop him in this world. Yet.
• Anyone who can stop him will probably turn into a bigger problem
• LOOOVES TIDDY MILK! Okay, really, Kimiko? You didn't have to type this five times lol
• Vought still has had the gall to cover all of this up and continue marketing him as if he were Superman or Super Jesus.

How Homelander would truly do against the real heroes

I have no idea how we were able to see cross-universe comparisons, but aside from one particular dimension, every universe seems to have some variant of Superman, some of them like ours being evil for no particular reason, and.. holy shit! Our version is a complete joke! Let's take a look at two in particular:

Omni-man

“Look at what this sucker has to do to mimic a fraction of my power.”

~ Omni-man on Homelander

Superman

“Not. Impressed.”

~ Superman on Homelander

Homelander? More like Homo-lander!

And that's why Homelander is the worst and you should join our cause! And also try not to get your head or balls lasered off.

Oh shit, they're coming, gotta run! Haha, still can't believe how much plot armor we have against Vought!

May I type something? Homelander has small dick! He is manchild because he know not how to handle it! C'est horrible!

Frenchie let's go! Kimiko, go get him before Homelander lasers us all and figures out how to track our IP address.

Ah, fine. I never get to type anything good. Vous sucez une bite d’âne!!

Disclaimer

We apologize for the interruption. Don't mind what the Starlighters have written about our favorite superhero, it's all complete lies. Also, our paid Uncylcopedia editors and our entire cybersecurity team have all been fried- err, fired effective immediately!

CAN SOMEBODY DELETE ALL THAT GARBAGE THAT THE STARLIGHTERS AND BUTCHER'S SQUAD OF GOONIES TYPED UP HERE!? I have no idea how to edit this thing!

I'll take it from here, Ashley, now get the FUCK out.

Sorry about that, I guess if no one knows how to make my own page, I guess I will take things into my own hands. My name is Homelander and I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WAAAAAAANT!!

Uh.. did we seriously set this to voice-to-record? I just realized I have no idea how to write a proper article, let alone how to edit for grammar or make it portray me in a good light! And neither has anyone else who has touched this article, so everyone here is useless! Just a bunch of fucking useless imbeciles!

Uh, also, none of this ever happened, people! No random killings of people! And.. maybe I should hire some other people to write my article..

Ah fuck it. Everyone who isn't a dumb sycophant already hates me anyways, I'll destroy them all. Fuck, I'll destroy all my fans anyways, what are they worth? Fuck computers too.

[laser sounds, then static]

Publisher's note:

Hah, Homelander really thought destroying that computer would get rid of this article, huh? And he really thought making me the token black guy on the Seven and treating me like absolute shit would have no consequences.. Lemme do Butcher's team a solid and give their edits to this article the Vought stamp of approval.. aaand it's done and published, time to get out of this country. Can't stop the A-Train, baby!