User:Optimuschris/Orientation

Orientation: Your first day at Uncyclopedia

Congratulations <insert name here> on graduating from messageboards and chat rooms and deciding to take your on-line education to the highest level possible: Uncyclopedia. Here at Uncyclopedia we pride ourselves on providing a high quality atmosphere for internet experts such as yourself to reach their fullest potential. The following article is provided as a tool to help you settle in and get started making a name for yourself. By implementing the tips provided and with a little hard work, <insert name here> will be a name mentioned in all the best web circles. Fame and fortune will surely follow!

Getting Started

As you have already done your time at numerous message boards and chat rooms, it will be assumed that you are well versed in general internet etiquette and decorum. Instead, we're going to focus on the more specific aspects of our esteemed higher learning site and give you some advice to excel as well as avoid the pitfalls awaiting new members. Don't worry! Everyone was new at one point and Uncyclopedia is full of veteran editors who will gladly help you when you inevitably make a mistake or two. Let's jump right in shall we?

Introduce Yourself

The very first thing you should do is create an article in the mainspace telling the world about yourself. What's your favorite band? How do you feel about the president? Who do you know that's gay? These are important things that need to be told to the world. There's nothing the editors here at Uncyclopedia like more than getting to know all the little details about each other. After all, Uncyclopedia was founded on the principal that sharing the intimate details of one's life brings the world closer and creates a community filled with compassion and love. What higher goal could there be? Now, you may ask "Why would I need to create an article about myself if I already have a user page?" That's a very astute question and shows that you are indeed worthy of becoming an editor here at Uncyclopedia. The answer is, in fact, very simple. User pages are notoriously difficult to find for any specific user and are therefore generally not bothered with. It's far simpler to type a username into the search bar and navigate directly to your page in the main space than to muck about with User:<insert name here> which is always a hit and miss affair. This is an unfortunate shortcoming in the Wiki coding, one which several of the best programmers of our time have been tring to fix for years. As of the date this guide was written, no fix has been found but rest assured they're still working hard at it. In the meantime, we'd appreciate your cooperation in this matter and we appreciate your patience.

Respect the Boundaries

One of our friendly admins politely notifying a new editor of a mistake.

Here at Uncyclopedia, we have a very strict program implemented for regulating not only quality, but honoring our most talented editors as well as expelling those who have been deemed unworthy of a place among their ranks. These guidelines are enforced by veteran editors and input from our newest members is dicouraged. Take some time to get to know your peers as well as the way things work. Once you've established yourself to the point where our veteran editors feel your opinions on any given subject would be a valuable contribution you will be notified on the talk page of the article you should have already written about yourself in the main space (another reason to create this article as it will be the only place where such important notifications will be made) and a rank will be assigned to you. The time between when you enroll and when you receive your fist ranking varies from editor to editor of course, but you can usually expect to see your notification anywhere between six months to three years after your initial enrollment. This rank MUST be displayed in your unique signature at all times. Failure to display your rank may result in the revocation of your privileges to take part in the aforementioned discussions. Your initial rank is only a starting point, with time and productivity your rank will be increased, granting you greater priviledges and more freedom to edit other people's pages. Of course, until you have achieved sufficient ranking, editing other people's work is strictly forbidden. Any editor caught editing a page without proper ranking or written permission will be banned for a period of no less than six weeks.

Get Writing!

Uncyclopedia does not tolerate slacking! Regular contributions to the whole of Uncyclopedia are essential to your rise to fame and success. You are encouraged to create at least one new article in the main space every day. Don't worry about the quality of your articles for now, quantity is far more important than quality at this stage of your career. Write about what you had for breakfast. Tell us about the outfit your friend wore to school. Did your math teacher say something stupid? We want to hear about it! Don't worry if your articles are no more than a few sentences long, regular contributions will serve as practice and allow you to improve your skills as a writer. Veteran editors enjoy the challenge of taking your daily contributions and expanding them into full fledged, main page worthy works of art (something they are allowed to do having reached sufficient rank already) and new editors often find a sense of pride in seeing their initial creations turned into acts of creative genius. New editors who fail to write at least five articles per week will find themselves drummed out of the Order, so be diligent.

Writing Tips for Beginners

We realize that the creative demands here at Uncyclopedia can sometimes be overwhelming, even for one as obviously talented and experienced as yourself, so we've assembled the follwing tips to help you get started. These tips represent the collected wisdom of generations of successful editors so please pay close heed.

Oscar Wilde Quotes

Every article should start out with a quote from Oscar Wilde. It is a widely known fact that not only was Oscar Wilde the wisest man to ever live, he was also the funniest. Most veteran editors consider Oscar Wilde quotes obligatory and will not even read an article that doesn't contain at least one tidbit from this legendary font of knowledge. Make sure to do proper research, the worst thing you could possibly do is misquote Oscar Wilde. Many a green editor has found himself at the receiving end of a three week ban for simple misuse of punctuation in their Oscar Wilde quote, so be very, very careful. If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in this situation, either through negligence or a simple typo, don't fret. Use the time to contemplate your mistake and possibly even construct an "Oscar Wilde quote reference book". Many editors have done this and find it an invaluable tool for those times when they need the perfect phrase to accentuate their points.

Dates and Numbers

“I was never any good with math.”

~ Oscar Wilde

We'll go over these two related ideas at the same time since they're rather intuitive and neither deserve a full section of their own.

Dates

Under normal circumstances accurate dates would be very important, but since the main focus of Uncyclopedia is humor this isn't actually the case. Rather, it's far more important to make sure any dates included in your article are inaccurate. Wildly inaccurate as a matter of fact. The further from the accurate date you make it, the funnier you will be. In fact, you should feel encouraged to invent dates that don't exist. February 30th always gets a laugh. Another way to go is a ridiculously early date, such as 143,000,000,000,000 BC.

Numbers

See what I did there? Whenever you find yourself needing to include a number in your article, it's always extra funny to make it a really, really big number. Numbers are infinite, so why limit yourself to the more commonly used small ones? 458,935,763,068,142,298 out of 458,935,763,068,142,299 Uncyclopedia editors agree that big numbers are funny.

Internet Memes

“Somebody set me up the bomb.”

~ Oscar Wilde

It's a widely known yet unwritten goal of Uncyclopedia to become a repository for all internet memes past, present and future. This type of humor never gets old so try to include at least seven different references to seven different memes in every article you write. Don't worry if they've already been included elsewhere on Uncyclopedia, they only get funnier every time. Repetition is an important aspect of successful humor and we want you to succeed.

Lists

“I make lists for

• Laundry
• Groceries
• Christmas cards
• The sheer fun of it”
  ~ Oscar Wilde

Don't forget to include lists to illustrate your point. Mr T. pities anyone that doesn't love lists and they've worked for David Letterman for decades. In a study published in The Scientific Association Quarterly Review it was revealed that lists make any article 142,121,337,94 8,257,395,345,279,635,799,016,473,692.93025592084902788756234987459876198765612856645891625768918768976124657891826 586916734658681246518476937236593902% funnier. Here's a list of reasons why lists are funny.

• Chuck Norris approves of them
• They're teh ROXXORZ!!!!11!1!1eleven!'
• They can add multiple punchlines to even the lamest joke
• Jesus used them
• Hitler also used them
• I touch myself
• My friend John who's gay and sucks big dicks LOLOLOL!
• They require little to no effort
• Your mom told me they were funny when

• I banged her last night
• She was making me breakfast
• She was shaving her back
• We has cheezburger
• She was giving me my money
• George Bush let her
• Goatse paid her a visit
• She was smoking crack
• She called from prison
• She got that thing I sent her from

• Uranus
• Detroit
• MSN Messenger
• Last Thursday
• That guy's house
• The fifth dimension
• Lists
• Are
• Funny

Be Random

“Would you please molest Yoda with a badger on Fox news?”

~ Oscar Wilde

An essential tool for any editor, a healthy dose of randomness included in any article is a surefire path to success. While traditional humor sites frown upon randomness, here at Uncyclopedia we believe that there is no better way to punch up an otherwise drab article. You are always encouraged to make as many random references as possible, you can even make words up! Dig out your old Klingon dictionary and pick some words from it (at random of course!) and create an article with those words as the title. Add in some (random!) words in Swahili, throw in a Russian Reversal or two, make a couple meaningless reference to grues and voila! Instant Front Page material. Whenever you get stuck, just remember the Uncyclopedia motto: "There's no such thing as too random!"

Good Luck!

On behalf of the whole of Uncyclopedia, I'd like officially welcome you to the fold. With the orientation out of the way you are now ready to begin writing and editing. You will find your personal locker down the hall to the left of the commons area. If you need any supplies you can find them at the Uncyclopedia Shop. If you remember and follow the tips given here at orientation you will find your work featured in no time at all.