User:NILTF/Working on
“I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac!”
“Not if I have anything to say about it.”
How can you be sure that your once shell of a body will stay peacefully in it's final resting place after that last breath? I know it's a scary thought that anything can happen to your corpse afterwards. Obviously you're reading this because you wouldn't want your grave dug up and be skull fucked. I'm not a necrophiliac or anything of that nature, but I know how easy it is to have my way with the dead without being arrested. Don't worry about your cold withering corpse being dismembered and used for various rituals, because by the end of this HowTo, you'll know how to be sexually abstinent after death.
Knowing that you're in good hands[edit | edit source]
On you're deathbed, whether it be at home, in a hospital or by a street gutter, you should know if the people around you will take care of your decaying body. Who knows, your family members could've been waiting for you to die just so they could give you one last bukkake, but that's another story to be told. The main point to consider is trust. If you have a hard time trusting people, you could just bury yourself alive. You gotta make sure no one involved with your death or burial is desperate enough to have sex with your stiff corpse.
Don't die[edit | edit source]
Oh, so you thought that all you could do was lay around and disintegrate onto your new master's lap? No, no, no... Of course there's a Fountain of Youth, but it's not pretty, and it's actually Bat Fuck Insane, but yes, you could also just... not die. Many classic horror films, like Frankenstein and Count Dracula show that you can become immortal or undead. No one would dare have sex with a zombie, and if you decide on being immortal (which is harder to do, in my opinion) then you'll never have to die, but there are consequences.
Immortal[edit | edit source]
A very popular, yet risky way of avoiding death is to become the Highlander, which is a terrible idea. Since immortals are prone to killing each other, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE... and plus you become the Highlander by jumping off a cliff which is suicidal.
Undead[edit | edit source]
Zombies are walking corpses which is horrifying to anyone. Unfortunately, they are a weaker version of your formal self, unless you are a super zombie by the means of the T-Virus, which would be even cooler. You'll be safer if you can find other zombies like yourself and go around as a gang. Also the undead have a higher chance of losing limbs. Your body could be crawling around for the rest of eternity as an amputee. Necrophiliacs will know that you would be unable to fight back, which is a shame because that would be rape. Also, the great thing about being undead is that zombies having sex with other zombies is not considered necrophilia, but the point of this article is to avoid sex altogether after death.
If all else fails...[edit | edit source]
- Don't worry about STDs, you're already dead
- Fill your rotting holes like a turkey so they can't be fucked, but necro's love stuffing
- Remove certain features of your body (e.g., penis/vagina)
- Be cremated, but your ashes can still get fucked
- Die in the oddest place so no one can find you, although where that may be, animals have been known to have sex with dead things