User:Luvvy/Sandbox/S5
Ina Rosie O'Doodah Garten, or "Bigfoot Contessa" is a portly American cookbook author, food columnist, television program host. Her show is simply called "Bigfoot Contessa" and she creates various meals out of fresh produce, often picked up at her local Farmers' market, where the produce is caked with sterilised fake mud, to create a more rustic feel, thus justifying the price tags.
Prior to her own television program launch, Ina worked for Martha Stewart, Oprah Winfrey, which together with her career in the White House suggests an alarming connection between the culinary world and the administration.
Ironically, Ina has occasionally been confused with John Candy, which has lead to some hilarity, when the mix-up was revealed. Mr. Candy has been known to don a wig for Halloween, partying hard as Garten.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Ina was born to a pair of ordinary nuke'n'serve-meal loving average American parents, in Brooklyn, New York. Garten was raised in Stamford, Connecticut, which would later play in her favour academically. Her childhood was uneventful, and she graduated with slightly above average grades from highschool. Highschool graduation was not sufficient a steppin-stone for academic success. This did not halt her aspirations for success, since the local state university is often confused with a more prestigious establishment of similar nomenclature, and was mistakenly admitted to a post-graduate study program for economics.
Claims of Noble descent[edit | edit source]
By March 2012, Ina Garten has spent in excess of $412,000 in legal fees and paper work to establish her claim to descent from the Italian noble house of Campofregoso. However, that claim was already staked by British homemaker Ms. Maria Ciccone, who Ms. Garten is locked into a legal battle with. Garten and Ms. Ciccone have been deadlocked in a bilateral smear campaign since August, 2006.
Ms. Garten has ignored cease-and-decist orders from Ms. Ciccone's lawyers, and continues to refer to herself as Contessa; "Countess" in Italian. The title of Contessa dei Campofregoso is currently not in use by either claimant.
Early Career[edit | edit source]
Ina Garten was desperate to establish herself as good at something, so she got into politics very early on. She climbed the professional ladder within the Democratic She worked as a Nuclear Policy Advisor at the White House in the late 1970s, until 1978, when she decided to quit, and marry a wealthy European, a petty nobleman Alfonso de Monte Costco, to further strengthen her claim in her legal claim to the noble title. Garten is a devout Republican, and has contributed to the presidential campaign funds of George W. Bush George H. W. Bush, Bill Clinton, John Kerry, and Barack Obama.
She basically makes stuff out of stuff. Nothing too original really. Barefoot Countessa needs tobe more original. On the show, she got her sleeve caught on a hand mixer. She also notes that she has diarrhea as creamy as butter. Don't let Paula Deen hear you say that Ina! At one point, she wanted to gain big ratings, rather than big amounts of weight. She had sexual intercourse with Rachael Ray while using a double dong. It gained some of the biggest ratings on Food Network ever. It surpassed surly Food Network drunk Sandra Lee's show. Sandra urinated on some spaghetti and served it to some toddlers.
Food[edit | edit source]
In reality, the so-called food she makes is nothing that any 16-year old girl too fat and ugly to get a date, couldn't prepare. It is suspected that Ina's past is probably a similar story. Plus, she always measures every single ingredient no matter what she's preparing. I understand measuring when you are making a dessert, but why does she feel the need to measure salt and pepper for soup or anything savory? Speaking of baking and measuring, she always uses her fat nasty hands to scrap flour into her mixer. So gross.
Wardrobe[edit | edit source]
Her wardrobe is very bland and usually has to have the tent spikes removed prior to wearing. Almost every episode, she is in a denim button shirt, and black pants. In her opening video on the show, you can see her sizeable behind walking on the beach wearing white. Not very becoming at all, but a different color nonetheless. She also has the same hairdo that she did 80 years ago, and dyes it black to make herself look younger.
Weight[edit | edit source]
She has mentioned on her show countless times that she weighs on average, the same as a newborn sperm whale. I think she is being generous to herself with that comment, but who cares.
Projects[edit | edit source]
She originally was a spokeswoman for the "Save the Whales" Foundation, and was hired because the production staff felt that she "blended in with the rest of them."
Cookbooks[edit | edit source]
- Bigfoot Contessa's Guide To Ruining a Family Dinner
- Bigfoot Contessa: Fast Food is Better For You Than This Book
- Bigfoot Contessa: Will I Ever Cook Something Delicious?
- Bigfoot Contessa: Funny Thanksgiving Mishaps
- Bigfoot Contessa: Grand Recipes to Advance Cholesterol
- Bigfoot Contessa: Cooking with Eileen's Pussy Juices