HowTo:Get Expelled from School
School sucks, doesn't it? Boring as fuck. You just sitting doing nothing but learn proper grammar. Annd thay teech u speelang 2! OMG duznt tat suk!
Every year, millions of children – including you, dear reader – deal with fat, ugly, useless teachers whose only purpose in life is to make children miserable. Talk about a load of poopy!
So, what are you going to do about it? Crying helps only so much. Going on Facebook or into a chatroom doesn't help either. Even making an Uncyclopedia article about those bastards doesn't help!
But, worry not. All your educational problems can vanish with one, simple, easy trick. Get expelled.
Step One: Impetus
Go up to your teacher and loudly call them a CUNT FUCKFACE CROTCH. Then, if nobody laughs, exclaim "You guys are stupid fucking retards!" This will definitely get you sent out into the hall, with the teacher following closely behind. After they kick you out of the classroom, they'll try to excessively psychoanalyze what you said to figure out why you spazzed out for no reason.
Don't panic, and don't fold. Hurl some yo mama jokes at the teacher. The teacher will either laugh, ask you which website you got them from, or yell at you. This is only the beginning.
Step Two: Libido
You're not finished yet. After either a time-out or a mind-numbing discussion of your feelings with the teacher, return to class.[1] First put on an outrageous-looking hat and sunglasses. People might laugh and the teacher will ignore it (as they think the best way to deal with a troll is to ignore them). This will keep their eyes on your hat and sunglasses instead of your body. Undo your pants and very, very subtly, start masturbating. Eventually, the teacher will notice and ask you what the fuck you're doing. When this happens, masturbate more furiously. Flick your bean/Tug your sausage until smoke comes out. As the teacher is now approaching you, this is the optimal time to strike. Move quickly and projectile-splooge all over them! Now, they'll smell like jizz. And they'll be fuming. And they'll have a deep, burning desire to murder you and throw your corpse into the woods.[2] And yes, you will see the principal next. Good work!
Step Three: Confrontation
Congratulations! If you are currently sitting in the principal's office, you have actually made it to step three. This scientifically proves you're not a total wimp. The principal will ask you a few questions. He'll always have some sort of jar full of Jolly Ranchers or caramels or something.[3] Take a candy. Who cares. They're just some fat bum who's in charge of a building full of children. They don't even own the building, for fuck's sake.
The principal will probably say something lame like "Excuse me, please listen to what I have to say."
Ignore the fucker. Make some joke about what rhyming with butt and what rhyming with twat.
"You must not treat your teacher, who is a very kind person, in such a rude and immature way. Do you know what they go through in their mind when you act like this?"
Keep ignoring the principal. A good strategy is to attempt to change the subject. Principals are always married, and/or have a girlfriend/boyfriend. They will have a picture of them and/or their family on their desk. Repeat this line, word for word: "Gee, your hot [whatever] looks pretty familiar. I think I saw them getting fucked in all their holes by a group of brolic gangsters in an alley." They will almost always react to this. When they do, call them the biggest cuck of all time, smash them in the head with the candy jar,[4] then run! If they don't, simply begin your rampage in the office. Flip over the desk, pull down your pants, and fart in their face. Now, run! Run, I tell you, run!
Step Four: Holocaustic Armageddon
Run the fucking school into the ground! Enact the Three Alls[5] policy! Paint the school walls with your own shit! Pull the fire alarm and scream at the top of your lungs "Aliens! Aliens! Aliens!" Sing Beatles songs loudly in the halls ... better yet, sing Elvis.[6] If they are calling your name over the P.A., scream! Scream like a girl. AAAAAAAAA! You must anally rape whomever you see in the hallway. Even the custodians. No mercy. No one should be safe from your anal rape. Then shout "I AM HITLER"! If any bystanders laugh at that, then bodycheck them and scream "Two minutes for interference!" Call everyone little baby doody-heads. Now, run out of the school building, but make sure to stay on school property. Never let them catch you! Never surrender! By God, they're going to need animal control and/or a S.W.A.T. team to cease your reign of terror!
Step Five: Termination
If you somehow fucked up and only managed to get suspended, then go back to the school and do some simple, evil shit.[7] By then, they'll know to not fuck with you ever again. If you get expelled, then congrats! You have reached your end goal. Now you can live out your dream of being a fifth-grade dropout.[8] Congratulations![9]
Notes
- ↑ If you say something in the hall that gets you sent immediately to the principal's office, feel free to ignore this step.
- ↑ If they actually attack you, sue the shit out of the school.
- ↑ Usually the principal has something. If not, then they probably have a bunch of pens in a jar. Start throwing pens.
- ↑ Bonus points if it's glass and it shatters.
- ↑ すべてを殺し、すべてを燃やし、すべてを略奪する
(kill everything, burn everything, plunder everything) - ↑ If you're trying to get shot on sight, sing Oingo Boingo.
- ↑ like setting a fire
- ↑ Actually, eight people have listened to this, and are currently in prison or dead right now.
- ↑ If you go a bit overboard during your reign of terror and get arrested, blame your best friend and/or your uncle, and say they paid you to do it.
