HowTo:Get Expelled from School

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School sucks doesn't it? Boring as fuck. Just sit there doing nothing but learn proper grammar. Annd thay teech u speelang 2! OMG duznt tat suk!

Over thousands of years, adolescents deal with impossible, fat, and useless teachers who make their life miserable. But that's just a load of poopy.

So what are you going to do about it? Crying doesn't help. Going on facebook or a chatroom doesn't help. Even making an Uncyclopedia article about the bastard doesn't help! [1]

But getting expelled helps a whole lot. Here's how you do it:

What did you do wrong? All you did was set the teacher's desk afire. Teachers are such spazzes.

Step One[edit]

Go up to your teacher and call her a slut (or a 'man-ho' if it's a guy). Then, if nobody laughs, say "You guys are stupid fucking retards!" By then, you'll probably be sent out into the hall, with the teacher following closely behind. Then, they'll start blasting at you. Don't Panic. Hurl some yo mama jokes at the teacher. The teacher will either laugh, ask you about which website you got them from, or yell at you. Whatever you do, don't jizz in your pants . Teachers can smell jizz. If they smell it, they'll confiscate it and snort it just like how they snort cocaine in the teachers' lounge. Slow and good.

Step Two[edit]

You're not finished yet. Get your hands on a dunce cap. Hopefully, your teacher would have already forced you to wear one. If you are not wearing a dunce cap, ask for one. [2]. If the teacher doesn't have a dunce cap, or none are available; bring your own to school. It's always good to be prepared in this sort of situation. Now, wait until you have to pee. Then, pull down your pants, and piss in the dunce cap. (Note: If you are still out in the hallway, just pee in the floor or the wall.) And don't worry about leaks in your dunce cap. A yellow puddle on the floor means you are closer to your ultimate goal.

If you have a dunce cap and have peed in it, the teacher will either have not noticed, or they will be coming over to you to ask what the fuck you're doing. Move quickly and put the dunce cap over their head! Now they will have wet, smelly piss hair. And they'll be fuming. And they will have a desire to murder you and throw your corpse in the woods [3]. And yes, you will see the principal next. Good work!

Step Three[edit]

Congratulations. You are actually at Step Three. That proves you are not a total wimp. Well, you actually still are. Wimp. The principal will ask you a few questions. He'll always have some sort of jar full of Jolly Ranchers or Caramels or something. [4] Take a candy. Who cares. They're just some fat bum that is in charge of a building. They don't even own the building, for god's sake. Plus,they probably has over 20 packets of the candies in a little storage drawer. "Excuse me, please listen to what I have to say". Ignore the fucker. Make some joke about 'what' rhyming with 'butt' and 'what' rhyming with 'twat'. "Don't be inappropriate to your teacher. He/she is a very kind man/woman and is nice to all the students. Do you know what they go through in their mind when you act like this?" Keep ignoring the principal. A good idea would be to change the topic. Talk to them about sports. Usually, younger principals fall for these kinds of tricks. If they don't budge, point to a picture on their desk. They're is probably married, and or has a girlfriend. Now say to him: "Gee, you have a hot wife/girlfriend. Didn't I see them one time fucking some black gangsters in an alleyway?" They may react to this. If they do, call him a cuck, then proceed as following. If they don't however, then begin to lick his neck in a creepy way, and give him a lapdance. If he gets mad, start throwing things. Take the jar of candy and throw it at him (bonus points if it's glass and it shatters) Then pull down your pants and fart at him in his face. Now, run! Run, I tell you, run!

Step Four[edit]

Ruin the school! Go hyper! Go into the bathroom and take a huge shit. Take the shit and put it on the walls, the floor, the ceiling! If you are unable to take a shit, then use all of the toilet paper and clog up the toilet. Scare people in the hallway. Make faces at them pretending to be Rick Astley! Sing Beatles songs loudly in the halls...better yet, sing Elvis.[5] If they are calling your name on the P.A. announcer, then scream! Scream like a girl. AAAAAAAAA! Also, another thing to do is anally rape whoever you see in the hallway. Then shout "I AM HITLER"! If any bystanders laugh at that, then bodycheck them and say "2 minutes for interference!" Now run out of the school building. And kick the school janitor. And throw stones at them, and empty all the mop buckets. And call them a little baby doody-head! Never let them catch you! Never surrender! By god, they're going to need animal control and/or a SWAT team to cease your reign of terror!

Step Five[edit]

Who's in trouble now? Burn in hell, bitches!

If you get suspended (which you probably did), then go back to the school and do arson, like set a fire or do graffiti. Then they'll know to not mess with you [6]. If you however do get arrested, blame your best friend or your uncle, and say that they paid you money to do it. If they don't believe you, then enjoy prison! Or juvie! Or, in worst case scenario, hell!


Notes[edit]

  1. Or does it?
  2. This is the only time you should be polite to the teacher. If they don't comply, be rude as hell.
  3. If they actually hit you, sue the SHIT out of the school
  4. Usually the principal has something. If not, then they probably have a bunch of pens in a jar. Start throwing pens.
  5. If you're trying to get shot on sight, sing Oingo Boingo.
  6. Actually, 8 people have listened to this, and are currently in prison right now.