User:Kippy/UnNews:Spring Spheres all the rage

Have a joyous Spring!

SEATTLE, Washington -- Easter eggs are out. With an increasingly secular Western Civilisation and political conservatives replacing Jesus in their core ideology with Ayn Rand, the new hit holiday treats are "Spring spheres."

At first, the media thought she was bullshitting. Even Lady Gaga, who released a love single title "Judas" this week, in which she portrays biblical ex-prostitute Mary Magdalene in the music video, called her an obnoxious attention whore.

Ezekiel Malachi Goldbergsteingold, who, in case you couldn't tell, is Jewish, told reporters, "Yeah, I really don't like Easter. I immediately feel guilty for murdering their Savior everytime I see one of the little plastic eggs. Luckily, by calling them something completely retarded, I don't think, 'Hey, this happens to be a Christian holy day.' Thanks, guys!"

World-renown physicist and quasi-atheist Stephen Hawking is capitalizing off the trend by selling "Spring spherical rabbits" plush dolls on his eBay account, next to the action figures based off of his Simpsons character and tissue samples from Einstein's brain.

However, not all the feedback is positive. The Christian community is up in arms about what they perceive as disrespect. Republican politician and media icon Sarah Palin tweeted:

“ Why are they prosecuting us when there's a perfectly good mosque at ground zero to protest?? ”

Meanwhile, the general consensus among pagans who are normally pissed at Christians for ripping off all their best holidays is indifference. The Seattle Wiccan Association released a statement saying:

“ It's eggs. Who gives a crap? ”

Sources

• Tori Floyd "Seattle teacher renames Easter eggs ‘spring spheres’" Daily Brew, April 16, 2011