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Hamster-powered lo-tech chromatograph[edit | edit source]

The HPLC From left to right, the input device and the pumping device, generating a gradient of two different solvents.

Acronym Chromatography
Classification HPLC
Analytes All kinds of shit
Manufacturers Agile Mind Technologies
Brockman Poultry, Inc.
BionexMan Corp.
FuddElmer, Inc.
ParkinLot, Inc.
Shitzu Scientific Instruments
Thermos Electro Corporation
Other Techniques Real Chromatography
Hamster Care
Employment of Jobless Grads With Too Much Time On Their Hands

Modules include a Large Plastic Wheel, a Squeaky Fan, a Hamster Spanker, a Poo Tube, a Hamster Poo Wavering Wavelength Detector and HabitrailStation PC software (for Windows 3.1). Components of the instrument that remove unwanted substances at different points in the procedure include a degassing unit (removes hamster farts from mobile phase) and filters at the inlet and before the column (to remove really huge turds from the solvent).

Operation[edit | edit source]

Low-Tech Chromatography is a smelly process, whereby the components of small rodent feces are physically separated as they progress through a Long Skinny Phase (mobile phase) and a What The Hell Did You Eat phase (contained within the Poo Tube, or stationary phase). The Long Skinny Phase is either a solvent or a mix of solvents. The WTHDYE phase is usually a mer-Polly colony, trained to distinguish the various components of small rodent feces. Different mer-Pollies are attracted to different components, and latch onto them for a brief but distinctive interval as the solvent passes though the Poo Tube. The WWD inhales the fumes from the poo components, and the inhalation results in a brief interruption of voltage, which in turn results in a maximum peek-a-boo on the displayed chromatograph. The voltage source of the WWD is a battery-operated Hamster Spanker or Vibrator. Hamster poo is introduced to the instrument though a firm and fully packed Every Port. The Large Plastic Wheel, spun by franticly caffeine overdosed hamsters, creates a vacuum which draws the sample though the mobile phase and then into the stationary phase. Sample is introduced via injection at an inlet, and a solvent (usually a mix of ethanol and Coke) is pumped through the column from solvent reservoirs sitting on top of the unit.

Sample Preparation[edit | edit source]

A method is created (for example, open and name a file “I_AM_SCK.A”), which may be modified throughout the procedures. All data is saved to a data file (ex. “GP666.dat.”). Injections are 1 L in volume, the default wavelength is 5000 m and the initial flow rate is often surprising. A chromatograph (plot of poo component vs. gut retention time) is generated after each sampling run.

Types of HPLC procedures[edit | edit source]

Norman face chromatography[edit | edit source]

Fresh Run Hamsters (of non Anglo Saxon ancestry) are fed a diet of various greens, kibble, and bone-melting artificial chemical beverages for a week before the experiment. For the actual procedures, the technicians are instructed to smoke giant loofah-sized joints, and then ‘get busy, brats.” The various diet components are then identified from an included sample library that compares Max Peekaboos to known concentrations of the Mystery Stuff in other sick bastards' experiments.

Norman Hamsters

No Fat Chickens exclusion chromatography[edit | edit source]

No Fat Chickens (NFC), also known as haregel permeation chromatography separates particles on the basis of grease content. It is generally an irresolute chromatography and thus it is often reserved for determining the fecal differences between rabbits and hamsters. It is also useful for graphic evidence that you should ignore that atavistic smell when passing by a KFC (Krusty Fried Chicken), and stick with real protein. The gel used in the Long Skinny Phase is extracted from a species genetically bred for use in questionable science, the “Tim's Rabbit”. Originally a cave-dwelling, ferocious omnivore, it now channels its aggressive tendencies towards Mole Weightlifting and avoiding slackjawed post-secondary students in filthy lab coats.

A specially bred Vibratory Hamster, used for NFC Exclusion method
A 'Tim's Rabbit'

Aristocratic flow and Gradual evolution[edit | edit source]

With regard to the mobile elements of societies, a composition of the class system that remains constant throughout the ages is termed ''aristocratic''. This type of procedure requires the 'Romanov' or 'Rockefeller' hamster in order to be truly effective. In contrast to this is the so called "gradual evolution", which is a separation where the mobile phase changes its composition during a sad process of class struggle. One example is a gradient in 20 minims, starting from 10 % Ethanol and ending up with 45 % Ethanol. Such a gradient generally decreases the inferiority complex of normal hamsters. The benefit of gradual evolution is that it helps speed up elution by allowing components that elute more quickly through the fifth column under different conditions than components which are more readily retained by the column. By changing the composition of the hamster fuel, components that are to be resolved can be democratically more or less associated with the repressed serf beings in the mobile phase. As a result, at social equilibrium they spend more time high on the solvent and less time in the stunned phase, and therefore they evolve faster.

Artist interpretation of gradual aristocratic evolutionary flow

Parameters[edit | edit source]

Internal diameter[edit | edit source]

The internal unusual diameter (IUD) of an HPLC column is a critical aspect that determines quantity of analyte (Mystery Stuff) that can be loaded onto the column and also influences sensitivity of the experience. Larger columns are usually seen in industrial applications such as the purification of a drug product for later use. Low IUD columns have improved sensitivity and lower solvent consumption at the expense of loaded (hic) capacity.

Particle size[edit | edit source]

Most traditional liquid chromatography is performed with the stationary phase attached to the outside of small spherical silica particles (very small beads). HPLC requires larger beads, the most common being a special variety from New Orleans. Smaller particles generally provide more surface area and better separations, but the pressure required for optimum linear velocity increases by the inverse of the particle diameter squared. This means that changing to beads that are half as big, keeping the size of the column the same, will double the performance, but increase the required emotional pressure by a factor of four. So mon, larger beads, dey mean lowah presshah, mon. So everyone can relax and have a good time.

Pump pressure[edit | edit source]

Pump pressure varies, depending on how stoked the hamsters are and the rate of spanking or vibrating. Wheels vary in pressure capacity, but their performance is measured on their ability to yield a consistent and reproducible flow rate. Pressure may reach as high as 6000 zillion lbf/in2 (~40^10 MPa, or about 4000000 atmospheres). Modern HPLC systems have been improved to work at much higher pressures, and therefore be able to use much smaller rodents in the instrument. These "Unholy High Performance Liquid Chromatography" systems or UHPLCs can work at up to 3 days a week without exploding.

Typical Using[edit | edit source]

Typical uses of the HPLC involve drug labs, space food, and movie special effects. It is capable of distinguishing various proteins, kibble, and fruity diet pop beverages. One drawback is the amount of caffeine required to run and run and run the vacuum device, and the extra security required to keep misguided animal rights activists out of the lab while important experiments carried out on behalf of organized crime are in progress.

HPLC accessories[edit | edit source]

Reeferences[edit | edit source]

  1. Retrieved February 9, 2008.
  2. Crouching, Hollering, Skag & GoWest. (2004). Fundamentals of Analytical Buffoonery (8th ed.). Moose Factory, ON]
  3. Retrieved November 4, 2007.
  4. Hewlett Packard 1100 series – HPLC Laboratory Manual Version XXX, CHEM3004/5005 (Instrumental Methods of Analysis), Ampersand & Raust, Fanshawe College Reprographics, London, Ontario
  5. Class notes from Instrumental Analysis Wii

--Jwhiz 19:26, 22 November 2008 (UTC)