User:Izbeenoneweek/UnNews:Amsterdam releases Kraken with rampaging libido
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5 January 2012
Amsterdam (Reuters) -- On Thursday morning, a female Kraken rose from the North Sea, causing mass destruction to the Amsterdam coast in what many are calling "The End of Days." and a result of being the year 2012. The city now lies beneath the ocean.
According to sources, a raging libido of a Kraken named "Marylin" was distressed that her long-time companion, a male Kraken named "Justin," left their underwater lair without a trace. She reportedly used up all of her boyfriend's cell phone minutes, from all five of his wireless services, trying to get a hold of him.
Greenpeace recorded the conversation of the Kraken couple in the North Sea, where they later met Thursday afternoon.
Marylin vs. Justin in a Kraken Argument[edit | edit source]
Justin: WHAT THE F@&% IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Marylin: (weeping) But...I love you!
Justin: You used up all my minutes on my iPhone! Why'd you do that for? I was going to the store to buy you a gift! You're freaking the f*&@ out! G**DAMMIT!
(Marylin makes loud, piercing sonic noice while crying, blasting apart Europe and North America)
Justin: Great. You just took out Nova Scotia and New York City! Now I have to swim my fat Kraken ass over there, and pretend that I tsunami-tanked the Eastern Seaboard! You homecoming queen! Is it that time of month again? Stop crying! Krakens don't cry!
Marylin: (sobbing, menstruating purple fluid into the sea) You can see other girls if you want to. I won't mind.
Justin: What? I can't see other girls. I'm a Kraken, for God's sake! Wait, I don't believe in God. I don't even have a frickin' clue what that is. What is a God, anyway? You know, I...
(Marylin cries again, washing over the United States with both the Atlantic and Pacific oceans)
Justin: This is turning into another Jack Nicholson scene from Carnal Knowledge. Stop being Ann-Margret! Now you're freaking me out.
(Marylin falls on her back sobbing away, washing away most of Europe)
Justin: That's it, I'm going to Atlantis to buy you some red pumps. I am so over this. I'll be right back, BYE.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Associated Press (AP) "Dutch Woman Calls Ex-Boyfriend 65,000 Times" Yahoo! News, September 8, 2011