User:Im a bell/Autobot Matrix of Leadership

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So, find all the Mini-Cons, destroy the Allspark, stop the Decepticons, reprogram the stasis pods, defend the Autobots, plant the seeds of the future, process all the energon, activate the Omega Lock, open the Matrix, drink 2 gallons of a mercury-lead cocktail, light our darkest hour, and eliminate even the toughest stains!

The Matrix itself

“In Soviet Russia, darkest hour lights You! ”

~ Yakov Smiroff on Autobot Matrix of Leadership

The Autobot Matrix of Leadership is the single most holy and sacred artifact in the Universe. Its powers exceed those of the Holy Grail and the Lance of Longinus combined. However, unlike those relics, which get their power from being touched by the Immortal Son of God, the Autobot Matrix of Leadership is so holy and its powers so awesome that whoever wields it actually becomes the Immortal Son of God and our one true Lord and Savior. Optimus Prime was the previous holder of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, but handed it to his star pupil Neo just before dying for our sins.

Price[edit | edit source]

Today Only: $9.99 with purchase of Turtle Wax

Abilities[edit | edit source]

Whoever wields the Autobot Matrix of Leadership can use the power of the Matrix to light our darkest hour. Manifested powers have included the ability to:

However, it can only do these things when all else fails and everyone is completely and absolutely fUxx0r3d. In addition, despite speculation to the contrary, it cannot kill the Grand Poobah. When used properly it plays "most triumphant" 80s rock music; proper use denotes actually putting your fingers into the obvious fingerholes, not just tugging on the Matrix like some bewildered monkey. Autobots looking to "get high" can travel into the Matrix, a very trippy experience associated with swirling colored lights and meeting famous Autobot leaders of the past, including Alpha Trion and Neo.

Addendum: In Soviet Russia, darkest hour lights YOU!!

How It Works[edit | edit source]


What It Looks Like[edit | edit source]

The Autobot Matrix of Leadership consists of a delicious crunchy blue center surrounded by a chewy gold candy shell. It has two shiny silver handles that melt in your mouth, not in your hands. No one knows exactly what the blue center is made of, though some have speculated that it is the Spark of Primus and/or the Accumulated Wisdom of the Ages. Recent findings suggest it's God's first creation, Dora the Explorer fruit snacks, which everyone fucking hated, even God, who then awesomeofied it by turning it into ionic hobo energy that runs on 2 triple A batteries.