User:Horace Donald Westenchester/A steamroller ran over my kitten while I was fucking it

22 June 2010

CALLAWAY, Florida -- In a twist of events that shocked onlookers, a steamroller ran over my kitten while I was fucking it.

I had been fucking the aforementioned kitten at a construction site. I had intended to take the kitten home, but construction-related delays added twenty minutes to my return from the pet store, and I found myself overcome with lust on the South Tyndall Parkway. Mumbling "a cat is fine," I pulled to the side of the road and stepped out of my 1992 Honda Civic and began to cornhole the newborn creature.

"I was dimly aware that a flagger was frantically trying to get my attention," I explained, "but I thought she was just being Puritanical."

Unfortunately, as it turned out, the flagger was signaling the approach of a large John Deere steamroller. Seconds later, my recently-acquired pet was transformed into a very furry pancake.

"Hey!" I screamed, indignantly, "I hadn't come yet!"

With some difficulty, I managed to extract my penis from the approximately disk-shaped mess of fur and bone fragments. It, too, had been somewhat flattened, but I managed to re-inflate it by putting my thumb in my mouth and blowing hard.

I attempted to obtain a refund from the driver of the steamroller, but he informed me that he would not speak with me until I covered my genitals. Eventually, I had no choice but to return to my car and drive all the way back to the pet store.

A kitten is a young individual of the species Felis catus.

Sources

• Holly Westenchester "Traffic Temporarily Disrupted on South Tyndall Parkway" Tampa Bay Online, June 22, 2010