User:Famine/Vote this page for deletion
In the year 12.37 A.C., a plague had fallen upon the once-pristine country of Uncyclopedia. For a thousand and one years (in hamster time; in human time roughly 6 months) it had existed as a peaceful Wikiing of tribes, all united as one happy anarcho-syndicate commune. But as any community which grows and "advances", Uncyclopedia was not immune to making terrible mistakes in the name of progress.
After banning Kitten Huffing and Virgin Sacrifice {alternate view: lies, damn it, libelous lies} the Tribal Chiefs went so far as to begin sacrificing their own mind-children. Like any prosperous civilization, Uncyclopedia began to forget its pact with the gods, and drift away from their commandments. In vain the gods sought to reach the people of Uncyclopedia, but their hubris was too great. On 22:46, 6 Jan 2005 A.C., the first mind-child was sacrificed in the name of progress.
Unable to reach their people, the Gods called upon the Barbarian Tribes of the East to rise up, and strike down the Tribal Chiefs who had swayed their people against the Will of the Gods. For three hundred and thirty seven years the battle raged, as the Tribal Chiefs sought to beat back the holy warriors of the Barbarian Tribes. The Tribal Chiefs resorted to despicable practices, even sacrificing those Holy Warriors captured in battle to their gods, never listening to what their gods were trying to tell them.
In the end, the tribes of Uncyclopedia united against the barbarian hordes, and destroyed the Holy Warriors which their own gods had sent to oppose their terrible actions. With their gods now but a distant memory, the Tribal Chiefs continued to orchestrate a campaign of vicious slaughter against all the children of Uncyclopedia.
Such is their power than I fear that I may be struck down for documenting their horrible crime. Even though I do not fit in their normal schema of ritual slaughter, they tend to destroy all that would speak ill of them. Fear not, my friends. For if they strike me down, I will rise again - my spirit can never be totally destroyed.
A special Massage from the Tribal Chiefs[edit | edit source]
Beware, those of you blessed with an overdeveloped sense of justice. Those who would oppose the Tribal Chiefs had best not count on the might and wit of those who place maggot-infested clichés and one-line potty jokes upon the altar of Sophia. Would you truly follow one who writes such horrible material that it seems their rotted mind has dripped from the gaping hole in their head and onto the page?
If such dim witted sloths tell you that Baleetion is sacrifice, say to them, "Nay, good fellow. It is hygiene, and the cycle of life." For without death there would be no life, and without life, no death. It is only in death that the bad is forgotten, and the good lives on, in our minds and in our hearts. Fear not when your mind-children are set free, and run up the curtain, to join the choir invisible - for it is only then they achieve perfection. And later, when those children are reincarnated, as they always are, only the best will remain, and they will forever improve.
Look not upon death as the end, but instead a new beginning, A New Hope, a glorious new future. And if you cannot, please report to the nearest reprogramming station, where we will fix all your worldly problems, and allow you the freedom you seek.
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