Larrington 'Larry' King is one of the oldest human beings who has ever lived. It has Been estimated that he is over 500 years old. He has interviewed nearly 600 thousand people, starred in over 40 movies with directing and producing credits in 72. In addition, he has guest starred on 15 different television series with an average of 5.4 appearances on each.
He has won more than 70 Grammy Awards, most for Best Music Video Production. Further, he has written over one hundred books, all of them best sellers. In fact, eleven of his books are currently in the New York Times Top Ten.
A fitness buff, he has done over 140 push-ups and competed in 600 marathons with victories in 156. Also, he has gold medals in 34 Olympics, including the '58 and '72 Olympics. Speaking of the '72 Olympics, at those games he threw himself on a live hand grenade, single handedly saving the lives of two Jewish athletes that were being held hostage by terrorists. After the hand grenade detontated, he proceeded to bitch slap five terrorists to death. Needless to say, those five terrorists were awarded the ugliest virgins in Valhalla.
Childhood[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular scientific belief that every human being was once a child, Larry King was never a child. His date of birth is unknown. In fact, some go as far as to say that he was never 'born' in the traditional sense; he just appeared out of nowhere in those suspenders and nerd glasses. The legend goes as follows: It was a dark and stormy night in the wild rainy forests of The Amazon. Thunder roared mightily while lightning tore the skies apart in flashes. Under a thatched roof, a woman was struggling with a swollen belly; her husband, weighed down by the guilt of not being able to find a nurse to deliver his child, seemed fidgety, but eager to help. In an ear-piercing shriek that drowned out the furious rumble of the thunder outside, the woman squeezed out a slimy infant. The storm subsided and the dark forest lit up in a warm glow of pleasant sunlight. That was when that guy was born. Larry King, the same legend claims, was born in a nearby nondescript village that was not noted for its mediocre middle-aged people. Nothing happened when he was born. No pictures of him as a child ever existed, or probably did, but not in those widely recognized suspenders, which might have given rise to the theory that he was never born. His childhood years, due to the lack of any records or far-fetched claims, are considered not worth mentioning. His adolescence was only a gray blur, indistinguishable and unidentifiable from other gray blurs of memories. But, that was way back in the 1600's.
Career[edit | edit source]
During the 1996 Olympics King personally saved a busload of schoolchildren from crashing into an orphanage while interviewing the Dali Lama (he looked on in approval). Afterwards, he went on to win the gold medal in figure skating for the United States team.
He recently won the award for the worlds ugliest thing ever. He was beat in the competition by total noobs, including The Chrysler PT Cruiser, Meatloaf's Butt. He is also the brother of Slayer Kazooist/beard grower Kerry King.
Larry's appearance is the result of a scientific experiment in which owl and bullfrog genes were mistakenly injected into a human embryo. Larry first started wearing his trademark red suspenders in elementary school as a way to deflect attention from his poor grades and bad breath.
Larry King at one time wanted to use a red hot poker to shove it in someone else's ass for pleasure. He was to pay $10,000 for anyone wanting to try it. The CDC alone with the Health Dept. shot down his latest attempt fearing that a plague would result if something terrible went wrong with it. He later dropped it in fear of his own safety and sanity.
His Death[edit | edit source]
Larry king actually died three years ago, but, after taxidermy was administered and strings were attached to him, he was back, and ready to throw out vague questions...
Larry King Era[edit | edit source]
In 1958, Larry King devised his own time keeping method known as Larry King Time (LKT). Under this system, a year is divided into 100 hexoids with each hexoid divided into 100 Larry King Units (LKU). Due to his superior intellect, he can easily switch back and forth between systems to accommodate the at least 500 people he interacts with each hexoid. Larry King lacks ears, but often pretends he doesn't by cupping his strangely earlike hands next to his head.
A Hexoid in the Life of Larry King[edit | edit source]
- 1-4 LKU: Exercise; he performs at least 10,000 push-ups and sit-ups. He then runs 10 miles and weight lifts for at least 1 LKU.
- 5: Breakfast; on the advice of his personal physician, he has been on a bacon-only diet since 1995.
- 6-10: Reads the top three newspapers of every city on earth with a population greater than one million.
- 11-17: Writes at least one book or screenplay.
- 18-20: Reads three books.
- 21-35: Tapes 60 episodes of “Larry King Live”. He can tape a 1.2LKU show in less than 0.3LKUs.
- 36-50: Works on the time machine. If there is one thing Larry does not have enough of, it's time.
- 51: Lunch/produce rap album.
- 52-53: Interviews for new assistants. The average time a newly hired assistant lives is about 27 hexoids.
- 54: Attends 2 former assistants' funerals.
- 55-63: Appears in whatever movies, commercials, voice acting and/or TV shows that he has lined up for this particular hexoid. If there are none, he will renovate one of his houses.
- 64-65: Appears as Jack Lalanne to pull an aircraft carrier one mile while swimming handcuffed. Alternately, he might appear in a Jack Lalanne Juicer infomercial.
- 66-75: Telephone calls to various heads of state around the world.
- 76: Dinner/produce rap album.
- 77-79: Responds to the nearly 50,000 emails he gets each day (about 5% of those were sent by himself). Larry can type over four hundred words per minute because he uses his right arm for training his arm muscles at the same time.
- 80-83: Without exception, Larry always takes LKU 80-83 to meditate and reflect on his life. 80-83LKU is known as the King's Sabbath.
- 84-100: TiVo Time! Larry King has modified his TiVo to accommodate his needs. Larry's TiVo is actually a 48 node blade server system with a petabyte RAID array. This allows him to tape nearly every channel in existence in it's entirety. Between 84 and 100LKU, Larry sits in front of 48 hi-definition TVs and watches the current hexoid's recordings. He views every sporting event, newscast, nature show, all the Law & Order spin offs (Yes, even Law and Order: Elevator Inspectors' Unit), as well as shows in at least 20 other categories. Incredibly, in this time he takes in more than 700 hours of commercial free broadcasting. He remembers every last detail, all the while listening to his rap album production playbacks.
Interesting Facts[edit | edit source]
- Larry King was beamed up into a UFO on November 14, 2007, and has never been seen since!*
- In 1750, Larry King broke the world record for most sit-ups.
- Larry works for a combination of Peanuts and Reubels.
- The last time Larry King slept was August 17th, 1958.
- In 2007, Larry King admitted to having high shoulders syndrome.
- The last time Larry King had a bowel movement was September 12th of 2001.
- Larry King is the inventor of both the GhettoMobile and the Ghetto Blaster.
- Larry once dated Elizabeth Taylor but dumped her citing "she was too stuck up for my tastes." * On Hexoid 23, 1978, the King's Sabbath began just as Larry was about to summit Mount Everest. Much to the shock of the expedition leader, he stripped naked (as he always does) and meditated for the entire sabbath (3.5 hours). He did this in blizzard conditions at an elevation 28,900 feet just below the foot of the Hillary Step.
- Larry can bench press over 500 pounds and does so repeatedly without a spotter.
- Larry not only looks like an owl, but upon testing, was revealed to have owl DNA.
- Larry has the capability of crushing ice cubes using only his pectorial muscles and a glass of bourbon.
- He reportedly has the second largest penis (No doubt he has been growning it for his ~9000 years of being alive). The largest penis belongs to Ving Rhames.
- On Hexoid 86, 1999, Larry had to demolish his home in Los Angelas due to a California ordinance that limited the number of stories a single family residence could have to five. Larry was framing in the 38th story of his house when he was contacted by authorities and forced to cease construction. He did, however, threaten to contact Ice T and others to exact retribution.
- Was married to Tina Turner for four days in 1981.
- In 2001, Larry King once made Ice T shit his pants by flexing his arms.
- Larry can guess any number you are thinking of as long as it stays under 100.
- Larry King's TiVo runs his own operating system known as Kinux. The most stable and secure operating system on earth, Larry refuses to release it to the public. When asked, he mumbles cryptic phrases about Skynet and nuclear war.
- Arguing semantics with Larry King will result in death. Your death, to be precise.
- Larry King has had sex with over 60,000 women, one and a half men, himself, and a T-Rex.
- Larry King laughs at mere mortals and exclaims he is the true "Space God of Xenu"
- Larry King is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the only man to survive the vacuum of outer space.
- King's diet consists of Lemon-Lime Diet-Rite, sheetrock nails, small Ethiopian children, and rattlesnake puree.
- Larry King was rumoured to be Batman's nemesis Ra's al Ghul, but this was later debunked. We can't Larry King's word as the Gospel truth after all, now can't we?
- In 2011, Larry King retired after 524 years on television. He was replaced by that guy.