User:Codeine/Scatology rewrite

Notes

• Find better names for hubbard / xenu
• space opera - volcanoes/toilets/ 3d movies/ andrex commercials?
• Publication of "Diarrhetics" - the new science of excretion (specifically excreting your cash into their coffers)
• controversy / protest movement ( Anonymous / Incontinous or suchlike)
• Zombiebaron is doing his own rewrite over in his userspace.

“The biggest pile of shite I have ever had the misfortune to come across”

~ Noel Coward on Church of Scatology

The Church of Scatology is the one true church. It was founded on most holy of days, Remalat the 20th in the 51st Glorious Year of Narconon. The Most Holy of Churches was founded when The Prophet L. Turd Crapper (commonly referred to by Scatologists as LTC) first read from The Holy Scriptures in the main auditorium of the University of Lancelot the Redeemer.

Beliefs and practices

An outside shot of a Chuch of Scatology

The cross of Scatology, made in the image of Narconon

Narconon is a lonely god.

Vandalized CoS Temple

Scat

The main belief of the Church of Scatology is that humans are immortal spirits known as Fecans. According to Scatology Scripture (first described by LTC after a particularly large dose of hallucinogenic drugs), 75 million years ago the universe was ruled by the intergalactic tyrant Shitnu, who devised a nefarious plan to rid his empire of it's population problems; by killing the population!

After destroying the people, Xenu loaded the Fecans onto giant space toilets, which according to Crapper "looked just like regular toilets, only with rocket engines".

is the mouthpiece of Narconon. Scatologiests attempt to find hidden messages in their scat. These messages are normally found through investigation of the shape, smell, and consistency of the scat, as tracked over time. The easiest way for Scatologiests to track patterns in their scat over time is through preserving the scat. This is where the Church of Scatology helps out its patrons.

In the basement of every Church is a large vault, with a compartment for each patron of that Church. Scatologiests carry their scat to these underground scat vaults on a weekly basis. The high priest of each church spends everyday of the week except for Friday, which is the day of prayers, in the vault making detailed notes on the scat of his patron Scatologiests.

Calendar

Due to the differences in the beliefs of Scatologiests from the rest of the human population, the Church of Scatology has designed its own calendar. This calendar makes things much easier for Scatologiests, as well as other members of society. For instance the Scatological Calendar has no need for leap years. Instead of including an extra day at the end of Febraury, the Scatologiest have added a thirteenth month to their calendar. This new month comes after Samu (the twelfth month), and is named Heike. The thing that makes Heike so unique though is that it only has one quarter of day in it. The thirteen months of the Scatological calendar are as follows: Remalat, Boudewijn, Nebojsa, Estebe, Pétur, Sroel, Bittor, Lior, Djordje, Milan, Mateja, Samu, Heike. The months are named after the thirteen major saints of Scatology. Years are measured by the Scatologists as having begun on the day that St. Ramalat was born, and instead of years, they are measured in "Glorious Years of Narconon".

Saints

There are three ways to become a saint of The Church of Scatology. The first way is to have sex with St. Remalat, but seeing as St. Remalat is 300 years old, very few people have acquired sainthood in this manner. The second way is to speak to Narconon. Since Narconon is a lonely god, he will talk to anyone who wishes to speak with him, and thus this is the most common method of ataining sainthood. The third and last method of attaining sainthood is to die for The Church of Scatology. Currently the only saint to attain sainthood in this manner is St. Estebe, who drowned during a earthquake that caused a rupture in his scat vault.

The Church of Scatology provides its members with a handy "Table of Saints" card:

Table of Saints

St. Remalat	Is the founder of Scatology.
St. Boudewijn	Has written 154 sonnets about scat.
St. Nebojsa	Is the only German saint.
St. Estebe	Died for The Church.
St. Pétur	Reads "Where The Wild Things Are" too his scat.
St. Sroel	Is sexually attracted to Narconon.
St. Bittor	Once killed a man with scat alone.
St. Lior	Is African.
St. Djordje	Hates mustard.
St. Milan	Has never visited Milan.
St. Mateja	Loves naked rhinos.
St. Samu	Is a chess grand master.
St. Heike	Is a jedi master.