User:Bizzeebeever/To fix/Capital
The term capital typically refers to the to area of a country or state that has a special leadership status or role. In technical terms, the capital city is "large and in charge." The capital is almost always a city which physically encompasses the offices and meeting places of the seat of government. This may at first appear to be a purely positive thing, but this is not the case: capitals are magnets for hungry lobbyists, parasitical politicians, devious dictators, and invading armies. In the immortal words of Oscar Wilde, "the only thing worse than not being the capital, is being the capital." Indeed, capital cities are not even usually very funny, except in certain Third World countries, where they can be downright hilarious.
Etymology[edit | edit source]
The word capital is derived from the Latin capit, or "head" and tal, meaning "for the barbarians to cut off".
History[edit | edit source]
Originally, ancient governments met in random caves and swamps, but deaths from malaria and bear-bites eventually made it clear that fixed meeting places, in central locations with sizable populations (and a lack of bears), were more preferable. Soon, the modern capital was born, with the rise of such cities as Athens, Delhi, and Bumfuck (in what is now known as Scotland). Historically, the major economic center of a state or region often thus became the focal point of political power, and became a capital through conquest or federation. As alluded to above, capital cities naturally attracted politically-motivated people and those whose skills were needed for efficient administration of national or imperial governments, such as kings, politicians and lawyers.
There are some famous exceptions to this rule of development in the annals of history. The most notable is Rome, founded by Romulus and Remus, the orphan twins who suckled from the breasts of a she-wolf, and who decided for some reason that Rome, with its seven hills, would make a good capital city for wolfmen. Another famous exception to the rule is Washington, D.C., the capital of the United States. For some reason lost to history, the first independent Americans decided to build their capital in the middle of a swamp between the states of Virginia and Maryland.
Hilarious Third-World Capitals[edit | edit source]
Pyongyang, North Korea[edit | edit source]
The Ryugyong Hotel does not exist. There is no such place. Move along!
In 1987, North Korea's Eternal Leader, Kim Il-sung, began an ambitious plan to transform Pyongyang into the New Capital of the World. At the heart of his plan nestled North Korea's theoretical superweapon, the Nuclear Boomerang. In preparation for the multitudes of tourists who would flock to the City of Willows once the imperialist Western pigs had been brought to their knees by the Boomerang, Kim ordered the construction of the Ryugyong Hotel, a 105-story silver hotel complex. As a demonstration of North Korea's economic prowess, the hotel would be constructed entirely of plate glass, plexiglass, platinum, plutonium, and 16 other expensive materials whose names all began with "pl". In addition, the tower was to be suspended from silken threads carried by millions of specially-bred silver swans, who would hover in place over a man-made volcano.
However, the Nuclear Boomerang remained mired by development delays, and by 1992, construction of the hotel had ceased, as North Korea had run out of both plumb levels and construction materials, and (more importantly) had run out of ways to persuade its construction workers, most of whom had not been paid their usual stipend of a single sock and two bowls of cabbage stew in over 18 months.
Oddly embarrassed by having a 105-story monument to human stupidity in the center of his capital city, Kim decreed in 1992 that the tower did not exist. Since then, the North Korean government has regularly censored all media, including human thought, to remove all traces of it. As a result of this campaign, the non-existent tower continues to not exist to this very day, despite being oddly visible from all corners of the city, especially on sunny afternoons.
Random African Capital[edit | edit source]
Random African Capital is a beautiful city. (More on this later.)
Capitals in military strategy[edit | edit source]
The capital city is always the primary target in a war, as capturing it guarantees capture of the enemy government, victory for the attacking forces, and demoralization for the defeated forces. The lesson here is clear: people should steer clear of the capital if they are looking for quality of life and their country is a target for attack by terrorists or another nation.