User:Alksub/Airport
An airport is like a theme park for drab people. More adventurous patrons ride on the airplanes and the meek stay on the ground, sampling the free brochures, overpriced food, and less savoury pleasures on offer. Airports were voted the #1 obstacle to vacationing five-years running by American Emigrant Magazine.
Airports are built with a steel superstructure shaped like an umbrella. Glass is then set into this steel framework to give the planes something to smash into when they crash. Shard wound doctors are on call.
Daft analogies[edit | edit source]
Oooh, ooh, think of an airport as a giant birds' nest. The adorable little planes go, "tweet, tweet, feed me passengers!" Then everybody looks up at the sky and there's a big shadow cast by a monstrous metal mother plane that goes "fwoosh" and lands, then regurgitates jet fuel to the daughter planes. One day the baby planes fly away from the nest.
No wait, an airport is a lot like a dog racetrack. You pay a lot of money for tickets. Ticket in hand, you watch the big board to see which aircraft will be least delayed. Meanwhile, small dogs run around the airport. The terrorist tears up his ticket as burly men bring him away to pay for his fun.
As for the dotted lines passengers follow through an airport, it is best to imagine Billy from Family Circus.
Management[edit | edit source]
A distended council of bumblers regulates all airports in the United States, and it always keeps some for itself. This commission, appointed by whomever it pleases, takes time off from sneaking free flights to tropical islands to set safety guidelines for the number of pounds of cocaine permitted in airports. Even this power was placed under congressional examination after terrorists noticed, during a routine hijacking, coach passengers a tad more euphoric than they ought to be.
Due to the ever growing threat from bearded men, most airports keep a locker full of shoes. Employees raid the shoes when theirs wear out. That is part of the employees' union agreement. Some civil advocacy groups have suggested airports should not steal people's shoes.
Culture[edit | edit source]
The airport's culture is 60% Jehovah's Witness, 30% crazy beggar, and 10% unidentifiable. These denizens travel in close-knit groups. They greet passers-by with a warm and physically vigourous smile, hand out pamphlets, solicit banter, bestow wreaths, and fake foreign accents, as is their custom.
The locals, some of whom wear uniform dress, have a peculiar tradition. For hours on end, they brandish a noisy black wand, bidding travellers to walk through a gateway. The portal weighs their heart and passes judgment on their worthiness. Those who fail this test are confined and subjected to invasive ritualistic probings.
The employed, the itinerant, and the just-passing-through are engaged in a never-ending battle for turf. No punctuality can come of it.
Experience[edit | edit source]
Popular imagination, in books, films, and the like, depicts airports as deathtraps. One documentary shows how a flier could barely hear his babies crying over his wife's complaining. The Jehovah's Witnesses whisked him away to Thailand. He was diverted to his hometown, then extraordinarily renditioned into the custody of an escaped convict. And he was just a steward.
A typical experience at an airport is recounted:
| “ | I got into the terminal at five in the morning. The redeye flight. The cavernous halls of the terminal were deathly quiet, save for Brian Eno's ghostly 1/2 playing over the speakers. A man sheltered his young; upon conversing with him, I learned he had lived there for twenty years, being refused US citizenship. He had built up a Herculean indifference to sleep on the hard waiting-area seating. Meanwhile, I purchased a coffee from Starbucks. The employees there were haggard and somehow alien. I wondered if I would escape this place. | ” |
The future[edit | edit source]
The future will see larger and larger airports constructed. Futurists, fresh from the personal biplane predictions of yesteryear, predict there will be an airport so large you have to walk from the Los Angeles terminal to gate 15 in New York. Moving sidewalks will resemble baggage conveyors more and more, until the distinction between carry-on and cargo ceases to be made. It is not a vision to look forward to.
Me, I'll stick to racking up Visa miles. Free upgrades, here I come!