User:AhhDiddums/CompleteAssholeZombies
Do you shudder at the thought your wife's tits savagely ripped away, leaving gushing bloody cavities? Do you become mortified by the idea of your children's eyes torn from the skull from rotting death stench teeth, you being helpless to do anything about it? Neither do we, but if you're a complete pussy, then this book is for you!
We will take you step by step with how to prepare for the rise of the undead, and how to deal with the situation when it arises!
Are you ready? You better be, or you're a stupid asshole for reading this!
The Impending End-Times[edit | edit source]
The rising of the undead is inevitable, and the best thing to do now is to try and stop the apocalypse before it starts. Here is a list of some undead already among us, masquarading as being "human" and having a "soul":
- The Olds. Ever wonder why grandma smells like catnip and death? If you think its just because she lives in that trailer and eats Easy-Mac all the time, YOU'RE WRONG! She might have been a hot piece of ass when she fucked granpa's brains out, but now she's a dead piece of ass looking to eat your brains out. So, the next time granny goes in for a kiss on the cheek, sock her in the jaw and find the nearest blunt object.
- Republicans. Theres more to being a Republican than just being a worthless and cranky asshole. Wouldn't you be for the death penalty if it meant more legions of violent, deceased flesh? Come on.
- The Downs. You've seen them, we've all seem them. But did you ever sit back and ask yourself, "how do they get them all to look the same like that?". Well jackass, its obvious. If you have a family member thats a Downs, be sure to IMMEDIATELY sever or crush its head. If you see one in public, swiftly throw it into oncoming traffic or beat it senselessly until its bleeding from every orafice. Today, it cries because you won't give it ice cream. Tomorrow, it devours your flesh.
Choosing Your Arsenal[edit | edit source]
Fighting in the ultimate war against the zombie legions can be quite the task. And if you think your cricket bat can do the job, you can go fuck yourself! Here are some questions to ask yourself when selecting your weaponry:
Does it make you look totally studly and manly? - A war against the undead is the best time to compensate for your bald-head and microscopic penis. With gasoline being rare, and therefore Hummers being useless, it is critical to assert the fact that you are pure raw man.
Is it almost as badass as a battle-axe? - An unfortunate reality of modern warfare is that the retards who run our world's military have completely disregarded the total fucking awesomeness of the battle-axe. While it will be virtually impossible to obtain one during the outbreak, one must find a suitable replacement.
Where Should You Hide Out?[edit | edit source]
To understand why not to travel to the 1980s, we first should evaluate what good has come from the 1980s, its valuable contributions to humanity, society, and the universe:
- ....
As you can see, while it has had its share of positive contributions, the danger of interfering with these contributions is too great. While nobody knows what would happen for sure, without such great products of the 80s as Metallica, MTV, and Ronald Reagan... we could have a society more terrible, more unbearable, than one could ever imagine.
If you hate your life and want to die, however, it is highly recommended to travel to the 1980s.
When The Apocalypse Comes...[edit | edit source]
While travelling back in time to molest your great-grandmother as a child can be fun for the whole family, your actions in the past can cause noticeable and dangerous ripple effects on the space-time continuum. There are a number of theoretical paradox situations that you could encounter, including these more prominent ones:
The Grandfather Paradox[edit | edit source]
The grandfather paradox is a commonly referenced paradox of time travel. The paradoxical argument brings up the following possibility in time travel: Say you go to the past, but bump into your grandfather, preventing him from ever meeting your grandmother. But it's a rainy day out, and his drenched white t-shirt accents the curvature of every moist muscle on his glistened torso. You decide to move in for a soft, subtle kiss, to which he responds with his own, exciting you in ways you've never been excited. His soft lips make your soul tingle with pleasure, his delicate hands explore every inch of your body.
With a deep passion, you rip each others' tight, restricting clothing off, violently making passionate love for hours. This glorious sexual journey is so raunchy that it renders your grandfather sterile, so your father was never able to be born. But in this case, then neither would you have been, meaning you couldn't go back in time to make your sensual, beautifully carved grandfather sterile in the first place. In which case your father would be born, and therefore you would be born and make love to your grandfather, and etc etc. Therein lies the paradox.
The way to avoid causing this paradox is simple. Never have your own grandfather. In fact, if you meet your own grandfather, it is probably safer to shoot him, just to be sure.
Predestination Paradox[edit | edit source]
The predestination paradox is a paradox which exists in conflict with the grandfather paradox. This paradox states that history is unchangeable, and that anything that happened in the past already has - that any changes you make in the past happened before you even travelled back.
With this paradox, it is still possible to have a beautiful love-making experience with your grandfather. But science would state that it would have to be so passionate, and so violently raunchy, that your thrusts un-sterilize him. This would allow that you still be born, to be able to travel to the past to experience your grandfather's pure streaming manliness.
Be Sure to Have Fun![edit | edit source]
Well you stupid asshole, now you're ready to venture off in time... to go see the dinosaurs, or the effects of fingering your future grandson on your pimped-out hover car!
Make sure to keep a copy of this publication on you at all times for reference, and we hope you have a mediocre time (at best)!