Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/cybersex

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cybersex

Mr Fantasy13 16:49, 23 April 2008 (UTC)

PrIP'd! Pee Review In Progress Checkit bitches, this review is as good as peed on. I'm marking my effing territory. Said article is being reviewed by: ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF

Humour:	6	Alright, so I guess my initial appraisal of this article was more of a five. But I was somewhat impressed by some of the jokes in this article. "...with the exception of Switzerland, where nothing is considered immoral or illegal..." was an okay bit. The Middle East joke to follow, however, was sort of lost on me. Don't ask me why, I just didn't like it. The rest of the article is pretty hackneyed and overdone. It's predictable. You need to be a little more clever with your jokes before you can start dreaming of VFH. This entire section either needs to be rewritten or just plain needs to go. It's awful. So is your See Also section. I don't like See Also sections because they're overdone and rarely helpful OR funny. I recommend cutting that out as well. But my major beef with this article is more about the way you wrote it, which I'll address in the Prose section of this review.
Concept:	6	Your concept is just below average. I give sevens to articles that follow the typical and expected route that most decent articles take, which is simply explaining the topic. Because you did that, you should be getting a seven. But you lost another point here because your ideas didn't make much sense, nor were they funny or even remotely entertaining. Rather, I found this entire article to be very cliched. There's just nothing interesting about it. In order to make your article stand out, you need to have a good angle. You should have a clever idea that you can follow consistently throughout the article. I think you've already got a start here with your idea of cybersex being between computers and not two humans on computers. But your execution was rather poor. This is why I'm not recommending a rewrite. There's plenty to salvage here, but you need to improve this and rewrite some sections.
Prose and formatting:	5	Alright, so this is really where I have a problem. This is fairly poor writing. Avoid explaining things starting with the word "Well..." at the beginning of a sentence. You're not talking directly to the reader. This isn't a conversation. Work on being more didactic in tone. This article needs drastic improvement in this area. Also, I'd like it if you explained what the hell "I wuv cyber sex....Kira Yamato!!!" is doing at the end of that paragraph. It makes no sense and makes for some ugly formatting. (Considering there was no space between it and the previous sentence) I don't have too many other formatting complaints, however. What really needs work is the writing.
Images:	5	Let's see, you have one image that makes very little sense (the first one) and one image that seems to be there more for shock value and doesn't really contribute much to the article. (Nor does it make any sense, because unless I'm mistaken, your angle is that cybersex is something that takes place between computers. This may be the only part of the concept I'm having trouble grasping.) Try to get someone to chop you a picture of a computer engaged in cybersex. In total, for an article of this length, two images are fine, but they need to be better images.
Miscellaneous:	5.5	Avg'd.
Final Score:	27.5	Overall, I would say that this is a fairly weak article with an okay concept in need of drastic work, but not a total rewrite. Like I said, you had some okay jokes in there that might work. But right now I would say that this article is just below passable. It probably won't get VFD'd anytime soon, since it's not terrible. It's just between terrible and average, if you kinda know what I mean. I'd love to give you more advice with this article if you need it, just hit me up or make another review page after you've made some substantial improvements. Good luck!
Reviewer:	~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF @ 21:33 Apr 23