Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/What I did on my hols.

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What I did on my hols.

I need someone to check my homework before I hand it in. I'm not very good at speeeling; Or, puctuation:?

Sog1970 10:33, 26 July 2009 (UTC)

Orian57 writes in this style a lot more successfully than most people (yeah this is me massaging his ego a bit more because I, like many others, just can't get enough of Orian). I will drop by his talk page and see if he will come and review this one. Partly for the style reasons and partly because I want to make someone else work this sodding queue. Also could I ask that nobody reviews this until Orian says yes or no? Unless he takes more than a few days, in which case fair enough. --ChiefjusticeDS 18:54, 26 July 2009 (UTC)

Yeah I should be able to get round to this later.    Orian57    Talk   19:15 26 July 2009

Thanks, not sure why I started writing this really except that I hadn't been to Devon in twenty years and it was a bit nostalgic--Sog1970 20:47, 26 July 2009 (UTC)

Right sory, yeah, I am definitly starting this now but I may not get it finished because my grandparents are comming up and they'll be here until wednesday. Sorry I know I said later 5 days ago and I really should have been punished, but anyone else who wants to review this should if I'm not done by tommorow.    Orian57    Talk   16:08 31 July 2009

Humour:	8	There’s not much I’d actually change about the humour content here, the jokes were delivered well, and the ones you repeated were funny enough. Things like the mother disappearing everyday and then the pay-off when she runs away to be a stripper, were good touches (indeed the sort of thing I like doing).
Concept:	8	What could be better than a day at the beach? Five days. Basically you’ve got a very solid concept, while it may have been used before, it can always be made funny. Behind the eyes of a child lends itself brilliantly to misunderstandings (“asked me if I was staring at her boobies. I nodded to be polite”) and a fresh outlook on things.
Prose and formatting:	6	Prose: I would suggest you move this so the title doesn’t have a full stop in it, not only is that better grammar (I suppose it’s a grammar issue at least), punctuation at the end of titles means that if you use the web address, like to show a friend or if you whore on some other secret site, the page doesn’t come up. (I know of some Nazis who’ll have troubles with this not being an UnBook too – but please feel free to ignore them). Occasionally, and only on a few minor occasions, you seemed to loose the voice of a ten year old. For example he referenced Bono, I can’t really see an average ten year old knowing enough about who he is to make the observation that your protagonist did. If you want to reference things like that try giving the words to someone else, in this case the father. Something else on the same point was “Nintendos” this is a word that was coined by the elderly as their blanket term for any videogames consol ever. A ten year old is much more likely to use the consol he has so in this case maybe “Wii” or “X-box 360” (more likely referenced as simply “360”), if you see what I mean? As for spelling and punctuation I didn’t notice anything awful, well I didn’t notice anything at all if I’m honest, but then it’s not my forte, so best ask someone for a poofreading. Although the tinyest little thing is I’d probably hyphenate Coco-Pops or write it like CocoPops. Just because is doesn’t sound like all one word. Formatting: Personally I dislike templates at the top unless they’re really, really necessary. In this case I think the Britishness of the article is apparent from the first picture. I also don’t like contents tables unless they’re long enough to be useful. Another personal thing is I don’t like pictures being all to one side, especially here where they run past the words in the article and create white space (or it’s like that with Firefox at least, I keep forgetting that different browsers display things differently). All three of those things are basically personal preference, not to mention cosmetics that I noticed before reading. Another thing that I think is less my opinion and more the accepted norm is to use italics when emphasising rather than bold. Bold attracts the eye too much and can give things away too early.
Images:	7.5	Overall the images were pretty good. Horrific. But in a funny way. They complimented the article fine and the captions gave me a few chuckles. Your first picture doesn’t have a caption but you have the frame around it. If you wanted to remove the frame take out the “thumb” part of the code. However I think pictures need captions (otherwise they look stupid) so why not try putting in something like “I did a sandcastle like this when I was little.” Or something.
Miscellaneous:	7.38	(Averaged by wizard (to 2DP))
Final Score:	36.88	If you’d like to thank/insult/ask me about any of this please drop by my talk page.
Reviewer:	Orian57    Talk   16:11 1 August 2009