Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:RAHB/Aversion
User:RAHB/Aversion[edit source]
Alright, this has been sitting around for a bit. I'm almost done with it, the obvious necessary additions being an ending, and more pictures. I'd like to see what people think of it for now though. And if you have any suggestions for an ending, that would be great too. -RAHB 00:25, 26 June 2008 (UTC) RAHB 00:25, 26 June 2008 (UTC)
- Sycamore is peeing on this - while you are waiting, enjoy Noel with this free coupon--Sycamore (Talk) 13:13, 27 June 2008 (UTC)
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For a bumming session with Noel Fielding |
| Humour: | 7 | Pretty alright, I think the shift in styles form News paper to conversation ton telephone to first person are a little jolting. I would personally have all three sections kind of merging together more, it seem a little uneven because of the changing styles. The formatting is good and the dialogue is handled well, I would thing about something like Consolation Prize with he cquotes, this make everything look a little more tidy. you could also have a long Monologue which would again fit everything together a lot better The images work well, however the way they are placed I don't think is too effective, although I realize you are going for a narrative style it's still a good idea to have the whole loot more interlocking together somehow and I would move these further up and right. As far endings go, I would take the path of aversion going, repetition works well here and I would personally say that he might find some aversion to himself ultimately, since he ultimately is the souse of the feeling/state of mind - you could have the insanity thing going on here, or maybe just have Roy convert to scientology or Religion, and have a quasi religious epiphany, and have Aversion against god. You don’t seem to have as many funny encounters as you could do – Roy seems to be losing it a bit and there could be some more ‘situations’
As far as a wider humour would go, I think that the scene you set is not quite sting enough - would go for doing that a little more within the various sections, it'll make it a lot funnier, it s little sketched in as it stands |
| Concept: | 7 | Not bad - what I would say is that there not a really the scope for a great deal here, its good to have a surplus of ideas and avenues of interest, here this is a bit of a challenge, you gave made it work though, and it’s a pretty decent article.
Another thing you could consider is having a kind of 360 wth it, once roy has perhaps got rid of all the things that he had aversion to, he could fnd anther description that would consume him - it would be a neat closure to the article |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | no fictional work is real, here the realism within the prose has been a bit overkill- I dislike the Transcript pauses, and though the dialogue is too off the cuff, I would seriously consider having the prose fall into being like the first section which is the best written part. As I mentioned you could have the direct speech in Cquotes with his interior monologue in prose.
Or have a continual dialogue like script, or have the whole thing written in prose second hand by the author. For me the biggest gripe is the shifting styles, similarly the pauses and stuff just don’t work too well here. The humour and narritve is just not as sharp as it could be because of this, for me it is the only major thing I would change. I did not see any typos, red links; I would say that there could be a few more links throughout. It’s also pretty gappy, but this is part of the problem I mention above |
| Images: | 7 | Good, as I mentioned consider somehow integrating them further up, they pretty cool looking particularly the second newspaper one. The top one I think looks a little too silly; although if it was on VFH I don't think that it'd be real problem. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7.5 | Good stuff; for me it’s more of pulling together a little bit tighter and getting the end right. I would also have the tone seem more consistent though having fewer shifts in prose styles. |
| Final Score: | 34.5 | If you need anything, just leave a note on my talk page;) |
| Reviewer: | --Sycamore (Talk) 12:05, 30 June 2008 (UTC) | |