Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Guildensternenstein/UnNews:Madden 12 to feature new Lockout Mode
User:Guildensternenstein/UnNews:Madden 12 to feature new Lockout Mode[edit source]
This is the first thing I've written here since PLS. Fucking school. Anyway, though this is an UnNews, timeliness really isn't an issue because the NFL is going to be locked out for a very long time. Because of this, I'm going to put it up for pee while its still in my namespace, tweak it after the review, do some more polishing etc., and hopefully get this featured, as I think it's a pretty funny idea. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:57, March 13, 2011 (UTC)
- Got it. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)
23:26, March 13, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 5.5 | Seeing as how this an UnNews article, there's not much to say about it. The main criticism I had is talked mainly in the concept section, so just look for it there. It should have been here, but I just kept talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and then-what? Oh sorry, I sometimes carry on and on and on and on and on *slap*. Ok, that helped. Anyways, the main issue about your article being addressed specifically to football fans in talked about in the concept section, so just look at it there.
Aside from that issue, I also felt that you could really insert some ironic jokes into this article, because right now, its very focused on the fundamentals of football. Maybe joke about something like, "Negotiate with managers from such teams like the San Diego Chargers and Miami Dolphins, while dodging tackles from attorneys of Davis Polf & Wardwell (or some law firm like that)." Or maybe something like, "Another difficulty in this game would be to refrain your character from holding his opponent during the negotiations, as this will result in an immediate 5 yard loss and possible turnover in the hallway." Just try and insert some ironic jokes using common football lingo that most people would probably know about. These are just some general ideas. Sorry I can't think of more, football isn't really my strong suit. One last comment; I was a little confused about your last sentence, "“Well, why wouldn’t we release a Madden this year? Losing millions of dollars over football, or even being willing to run the risk of losing millions of dollars over football, is just plain stupid.” I got confused while reading this and was a little let down because I was gearing up for a really funny ending, but instead, I was a little confused trying to understand if this was a joke or not. You might want to re-word this sentence; I would give you some examples or ideas, but I can't since I have no idea what kind of joke you were trying to make, sorry. |
| Concept: | 5.5 | There is good concept here in its joking about the NFL lockout and how the Madden series hasn't changed much in their games since...ever. The main criticism about it though, is that it is addressed towards a very specific audience I.E. football fans. You could probably address this issue to make it more accessible towards the general audience, you know, people who don't know much about football or prefer other sports like soccer (Also known as football. Paradox!) For example, I've played Madden before, but I wasn't even aware that they are on lockout, like the NHL (conspiracy!). Right now, your article is written in a very exclusive manner and the problem with that is, you can keep a reader's attention on something they know nothing about, so long as you generalize the topic or at least manage to explain the general idea to someone. In your case, the jokes about specific football knowledge carry on and if the reader doesn't know that much about football, there's a good chance they'll lose interest halfway through. Also, most members of uncyclopedia appear to be from international territories, like Canada where they prefer hockey (generalization!)and seeing as how football is a predominately American sport, that could be a problem. For example, your sentence, "Albert Haynesworth’s high strength rating would make him excellent for any number of blue collar jobs, though his low work ethic rating would probably be a liability in even that," seems like it would be more funny for a football fan that is familiar with Haynesworth. There's not really much you can do to fix this since you can't force someone to be interested in football. The best thing I can advise is to make the article more accessible to other people, maybe by talking about football stereotypes like how each football play is planned for five minutes, and then played for three seconds and repeat, but transfer this to the negotiations table. Something like, "handle each court case by planning your defense with your lawyers for 10 minutes and then bashing the managers for 20 seconds before being restrained by the bailiffs and forced to plan with your lawyers for another 10 minutes," or something like that. Sorry I can't be of further help, but aside from that, I'm sure football fans will enjoy this article. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | The one thing that gets me is the number of paragraphs, sort of makes the article look double-spaced. About prose, there were some errors in grammar, but nothing to fret about. For example, this sentence, "Madden 12 is scheduled for a late August release, football or not." you might want to say at the end, "lockout or not," because I'm not sure how it can be 'football or not.' This isn't that big a deal, but just something to think about. I didn't see any spelling errors, but you might want to check over again, just in case I may have missed something. |
| Images: | 7.5 | Since this an UnNews article, one picture is really all you need, unless of course you expand the article further. Then you might need to consider inserting a new picture, but you can address then problem if you come to it. The one criticism I have to make is about your caption. You say, "first functionally retarded person since Vince Young in 2008." This is more of a personal issue I suppose, but I think you should change 'retarded' to softer synonym, mainly because 'retarded' makes the joke seem more like a direct insult towards Smith and also because I don't like its use in this sense. I don't know, maybe it's just me...It's always me... |
| Miscellaneous: | 6.75 | I was going to insert another three digits to that, but I'm already too much of a bitch. |
| Final Score: | 32.25 | So that's about it, my main criticisms have been outlined. Hope that I was able to help you out a bit and look forward to seeing the finished version whenever you're done. Jump over to my talkpage if you have any questions or comments. Alright, have to go, the communists have found me again... |
| Reviewer: | --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  22:15, March 14, 2011 (UTC)
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