Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews: What Would Cliff Burton Do? (quick)
UnNews: What Would Cliff Burton Do?[edit source]
Yo. So this is only partially done, but I'm trying to push it through before Dave Mustaine's birthday on September 13th. To a slightly lesser extent, I would like to get it done before the new Metallica album streets on September 12th. I have a history of taking a long time on articles, so I'm hoping for some quick feedback and hoping that this'll get me to write the article faster.
This article is being written entirely under the influence of, as I may have mentioned elsewhere, Nyquil and Cēpacol. There's the possibility it doesn't make sense. Please tell me if it's incoherent, or if my spelling sucks or something.
The article is a pretty-true-to-the-original MLK wouldn't vote for Obama (as predicted by a "journalist" who was a child when MLK died) parody but I'm going to try to vary it up a bit as I continue to work on it.
- --monika 22:45, 9 September 2008 (UTC)
Update: The meat of this article is done. I need to find a few quotes (my fault for using real quotes... if I made shit up, I could finish this now) but those are all clearly marked in capslock, and link it up and format it and stuff and possibly add some more pictures, but otherwise, the text that I planned to write is all there.
- --monika 23:01, 10 September 2008 (UTC)
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This article is under review by <font-weight:bold>Gerry Cheevers. Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!! |
i will review this now due to your time constraints. 15:12, 11 September 2008 (UTC)
- Thanks! --monika 15:28, 11 September 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 4.6 | intro: 5
hmmm well, it looks like you're going for a parody of an existing article, which is good, but it looks like a copy/paste, which is bad; more on that in the concept section. i'm not sure who either of the people you mentioned at first are, i gather they're rocker-types; maybe make that more clear right away.
this section is a little better. you actually insert a joke (the beer coaster). i think you could use a lot more of these. if your article stands as a solid parody, that's fine; if it's a solid parody that makes people laugh then it's good. the content is a bit dense (ie, i'm not a follower of these bands so the rapid-firing of names and albums confuses me), which might turn off readers who are unfamiliar with your topic.
this stuff is well written, and even not being familiar with the subject matter i can see that it's a decent parody...but this is a humor score, and this stuff just really isn't humorous. throw in some more analogies and stuff that might give the reader a chuckle. as it stands, you're getting dangerously close to 'real content', and people will say that uncyclopedia isn't the place for a commentary on bands. as such, add some humor (just a few one-liners per section) to make it fit.
you're running into the same problems here as above. this stuff is ripe for parody: internet pirates who might also be real pirates, band members walking up to doors asking people for their music back, things like that. if you can't get a chuckelt out of your readers, they won't want to read your article.
solidly wrapped up. but without humor. final humor comments: this is tough. you have a very well-written piece, which is a parody of a political article...but it's so well-written that it's just a piece about metallica. this wouldn't be out of place on a website devoted to metal bands; it seems very out of place for uncyclopedia. i suggest taking a look at your 'use the cd as a coaster line', which was the only place this article merited a smile from me, and see if you can add things like that throughout the article, thus improving its humor and its belongingness here on uncyc. |
| Concept: | 5 | i'm giving you a 5 here, which in my book is below average yet salvageable. firstly, this is not an unnews. it seems like a mainspace article (maybe What Would Ciff Burton Do?) or maybe even an unbook (UnBooks:What Would Cliff Burton Do? An Essay). i'm leaning towards the unbooks, that way your use of the first person isn't that far out of place. as far as the concept itself, this is basically a commentary on a new music album. if you were posting an opinion on a music website, it would be fine (and probably critically acclaimed), but here it falls a little flat as-is. your solution would be to add more humor: the concept of an analysis of what a dead band member would say is okay, but the concept of a hilarious account of what a dead band member would say would be better. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | if this was an unnews your score would be far lower, but i can't see this as being that. this is more of a spork; something taken from somewhere else and changed around. your prose was pretty good, i'll give it a proofread anyway. your use of bold was confusing; i recommend having names as plain text (linked), albums as italic, and bands as bold. it would de-confuse many readers who are unfamiliar with the entire discographies of metallica, among other (you mention a lot of albums). your headings should be bigger, i'll give it a format-proof and see if i can make it prettier. |
| Images: | 5 | your first image took some research to understand, as i was not familiar with burton's death. your second image: i don't know who it is. you also need at least one more given the length. so: better, more explanatory captions on the two you have, plus one more (maybe just of burton)? |
| Miscellaneous: | 5.4 | averaged |
| Final Score: | 27 | my preview button tells me that your final score is 27. you've got a well-written article, but unfortunately it just isn't humorous, especially to non-metallica fans. the best way to go about improving this is to sprinkle in some one-liners, becasue your underlying theme is already set and you're unlikely to want to change it. i think with a namespace cnahge and some added-in humor this could become at least an adequate article. good luck! |
| Reviewer: | 15:40, 11 September 2008 (UTC) | |
Thanks again. I've made a few comments and asked a few questions on this page's talk page. I have more on the way at some point. I've begun to add a little more context and would appreciate it if you let me know if any of it is effective. -monika 17:23, 11 September 2008 (UTC)
PS. I've been trying to figure out a way to say this clearly and concisely (N&C) and this is what I've come up with so far. Let me bounce it off you.
The (intended) humor of this article is not in its veracity (and in fact, everything is either true or plausible) but in the ridiculous stance taken by "journalist" who wrote it. It only works as, nay, is unnews (and I don't use the unnews namespace lightly, or really, ever) because the original article was "news".
(aside: If I *were* to put it in mainspace, I would put it under Death Magnetic but keep the display title. I was considering making this a redirect.)