Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Man fired for having 'Girlie Parts'
UnNews:Man fired for having 'Girlie Parts'[edit source]
Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction, the only problem I know I have is the picture, but I am too afraid to image search Man-boobs on google. ----Mgr. Sir Sonic80☭ 21:15, 21 June 2008 (UTC)
Sure thing. I've looked it over, and I'll give it a go. I'll try to finish it today or tomorrow. The Woodburninator (woodtalk) (woodstalk) 17:10, 25 June 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | I don't hate what you have done here. I enjoy the first two parts a little better than the rest of it. Your first line might need a little work. Right now you have:
"A major controversy has recently unfolded in the heart of London, about a man who appears to have 'girlie parts'. " I think you should mention the fact that he was a teacher in this first line. Right now it leaves things a little ambiguous, which for some articles is fine, but your subject matter is so rediculous that I think being blunt would work well. Something along the lines of "A major controversy has recently unfolded in the heart of London, when a teacher was fired over having 'girlie parts'. The teacher, a man in his 40s(or however old you want him to be), was substituting...." I think this would flow better in the beginning, and would be a little funnier. I think the main problem with the two middle paragraphs (from However his plan did not work at all"" through "the students got to go home early for the day) is that you stuck a little too closely with the original article. I think your above comment was right about the article being strange, I'm just a little worried you liked the article a little too much. I think you have a chance to get a little more comedy into it if you get a little more of your writing in there. Perhaps even include an interview with the teacher in question, if you could get that to work for you. I wouldn't get too caught up with reporting the facts of the source article, and forget about being funny. I do like your line "This is not the first time that someone has been fired for having 'girlie parts' at the school in London, a teacher was fired only just last year for having, and using her vagina to court a 16 year old student into having sex with her. " However, the line after that though, "Sexism perhaps? " needs a little work. I think it has more to do with the prose though, so I'll talk more in detail about it a little later. |
| Concept: | 7 | I think you chose a great article to do an UnNews story on. It is funny. Like I said earlier though, I am afraid you are just re-writing the story with too little of your own voice comming through. I have one idea, which would be a slight edit on the title. Instead of UnNews: Man fired for having girlie parts, I think UnNews: Teacher fired for having girlie parts would be a bit funnier. It makes the reader wonder about why a teacher would be fired for having girlie parts, and bring them in. Then, they would get that it is a man after a few sentences. This would be your choice of course, and your title is already pretty good, so it isn't a huge deal. |
| Prose and formatting: | 4 | This is where I have the biggest problem with the article. It should probably be put through a word processor to look for gramatical errors. For example,the line
"This is not the first time that someone has been fired for having 'girlie parts' at the school in London, a teacher was fired only just last year for having, and using her vagina to court a 16 year old student into having sex with her. " Is quite funny, but it should probably be broken up. It should probably read "This is not the first time that someone has been fired for having 'girlie parts' at the school in London. (add period) A teacher was fired only just last year for having, and using,(add comma) her vagina to court a 16 year old student into having sex with her." Its just a small gramatical thing, but right now it is a little confuseing. The line after that, "Sexism perhaps?" I think is poorly written. Make it a little bit more formal. For me, most UnNews articles should be written in a fairly formal manner, with the interviews and the contrast between the formalaty of the reporter and and the rediculous subject manner bringing in most of the comedy. Or, an idea that just popped into my head is to possibly make the reporter try and stay formal, but put an obvious slant on it because of his personal feelings, a la Fox News, or The Colbert Report. Its just an idea, but if you like it, go for it. Right now though, it's not reading as smooth as you would probably like it. For me, if your prose and formatting were a little better, this story would get kicked up a notch humor-wise as well. |
| Images: | 9 | I really like the Travolta pic. A good caption too. The only idea I have is to try and find a picture of a man that looks how your substitute teacher is described, instead of the Travolta pic. I'm not sure if this would be any better than what you have now though, so if you look into it, and decide the one you have now is better, stick with it. It's a good one. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6.5 | I just averaged the scores. |
| Final Score: | 32.5 | I like what you have here. The humor is there, and your concept is strong. I just think that your prose and formatting through some of it can improve. If that improves, I think a few of your scores would go up. I'd love to see what you do with it if you edit it. Its not too bad now. If you have any questions, or comments about anything, please let me know on my talk page. Enjoy. |
| Reviewer: | The Woodburninator (woodtalk) (woodstalk) 19:38, 26 June 2008 (UTC) | |