Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Koreans plan to take over Earth
UnNews:Koreans plan to take over Earth[edit source]
No. 3. Again, I'm only 11, and this is my first UnNews, so... LongLiverh3 22:50, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
- Don't mention your age...technically, you have to be 13, so don't tell our wiki admin about that... Saberwolf116 00:17, 29 May 2009 (UTC)
- Haha, good thing it's just an excuse... --LongLiverh3 02:27, 29 May 2009 (UTC)
New sig. It's Me Bitches! Don't worry, I won't kill you.
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Let down your hopes, eh? |
| Humour: | 5.5 | The humour in this article was ok. You had a couple tings that made me smile. We're going to go section by setion here... wait, this is an UnNews! There are no sections! So, we'll just make one big paragrpah regarding the the Humour.
Ok, so right off the bat I, the reader, gets a good taste of what you're going for here. In the first paragrpah, you kinda have a base idea there, but it's all kind of unfocused. You go from the countries that are trying to ward North Korea from using nukes to a direct quote. It is basic formatting procedure that a new quotation starts a whole new paragraph. However, the quote I found amusing. However, I think it would be better if you made an American say it as oppose to a Korean. The things with hugs and ponies I don't think any sane korean would say, so either a) switch the quote to something a Korean would say, or b) make an american say it. I think the quote is decent, so you should probably stick with option b. As for the second paragraph, You have a good idea where N. Korea isn't taking kindly to strangers. However, the quote only focuses on one country. My suggestion is that you have a longer quote that mentions at least three countries and why they "suck". For the tird paragraph, it is the same concept as the first, except this time only america. You could keep this paragraph separate. In the quote above, just mention China and Russia as well as S. Korea. Back to the third paragraph. You have a good idea here, just make sure to expand on it. Add some more content regarding the treatment of the Us and it's response. Also, I suggest you move the sentence about the email, it wasn't funny and unecessary. After that, you end the article abruptly. You must add more content down their. I'm not sure what, but you can figure something out. |
| Concept: | 4 | I must say, I've seen this "_____" plans to take over the world too many times. Appropriate timing, however with N. Korea doing nuclear testing. But really, other than that, not so special and pretty domestic. Now, I'll go into the concepts found within the writing as opposed to the overal concept. So in the opening pargraph, you have I good idea like I mentioned before. Also, the quote is a good idea, just change it to an American quoter. The idea of N. Korea talking smack to other countries is decent. With America's response, you should probably come up with something really creative and witty. You did an ok job with America's response, but the email was, like I said, quite lame and unamusing. This section I think you can pack some good laughs. you just need to add some real content to it to make it better. Also, cocnept wise, your conclusion is quite off. You need to end it out smoothly, preferably by adding another N.Korean quote that adds a final funny "punch", if you will. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7.5 | There were a couple noticeable mistakes in the formatting. The first one I noticed was the fact that you ended a paragraph with a brand new quote. This is a bad mistake to make, for if you have a brand new quote by someone brand new, which in this case you do, It needs to be started in a brand new paragraph. I suggest you make this paragraph, then You add some content to it, which will help out with your second formatting problem that I noticed. The second problem, which was probably the biggest, was the fact that your article was too short. Yes, UnNewses are supposed to be short, but not this short. If you've loked at any featured UnNewses, you will see that not a lot of them are that short. Some are, but most are a decent length. This is because the longer it is, the more room you have put some jokes in. And we all know that jokes can sell an article right audience? Audience: RIGHT!. Now, back to what I was saying. ADD CONTENT. I said you have a good bundle of good ideas, so just make sure to expand on them, and then your problem will be solved. |
| Images: | 3.5 | Er... What? That is what I said when I saw the image. It just... doesn't make any sense. I don't suggest, I command you to change it. Some uggestions of images you could use though, are maps or pictures of bombs. Preferably maps, though. Also, I noticed your caption was though it was part of the quote in the second pargraph, I suggest you do not do this, unless you put it in quote and make it a good part of the quote. I did this in my latest UnNews, and I think it fit well. Kind of. Well, any way, the whole point is: Change the image and the caption. If you get a good image and caption, ca-ching! You got yourself a nine or ten. |
| Miscellaneous: | 5.1 | See Below. |
| Final Score: | 25.6 | For you final comment, we'll use the Staircase Signature What you need to do in four steps or less! If you do these steps, it will make your article much better.
I'm sure if you do these things, your article will come out a lot better than it is now. And we all like having articles get better than they were previously. So, good luck on your "assignment". /me winks. |
| Reviewer: | Staircase CUNt 05:33, 30 May 2009 (UTC) | |