Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:EvenBalance and EA Games release new anti-cheat system, PunkWaster

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UnNews:EvenBalance and EA Games release new anti-cheat system, PunkWaster

My first article. I'd appreciate some feedback. --Freyyr890 00:40, 1 August 2008 (UTC)

Oh and a final comment...I would move the article to the new title of "UnNews:EvenBalance and EA Games release new anti-cheat system - PunkWaster". I just think a dash is slightly better there. - [14:44 1 August] Sir FSt Don Yettie

YesTimeToPee!

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Hi Freyyr. Congrats on your first article! The brilliant and impeccable Steel Kidney, Yettie, is going to grace your article with a bit of his pee. Probably quite a lot of his pee. Hopefully it won't be too drenched.

Yettie hopes to complete the review today. If for some reason he's taking longer, please feel free to give him a gentle reminder on his talkpage.

Humour:	6	The humour isn't really here in force, yet, but not to worry! I like your article, I have high hopes for it - I think it has real potential. However the real funnies that lurk behind the ideas, here, are yet to be brought out in their true colours. The introduction of the idea itself - "If a cheat is detected, the software detonates 400 grams of Semtex in the external box, killing the would-be cheater " - is quite amusing and raises a smile. I like the fact that you've kept it dead pan and not gone for the "If someone tries to cheat the box, which is packed with tonnes of nuclear waste and stuff, blows the person up, destroying their town. Don't cheat, okay? Lol, that would be totally funny if that happened, lol" approach. It could be made a bit more funny but being made even for more drastic and yet being kept utterly dead-pan in delivery. E.g: "If a cheater is detected, the software will detonate 400 grams of Semtex, which will be contained securely in the box. This explosion will blow the cheater up - rendering him dead" - or something along those lines. That in itself isn't hilarious, but you get where I'm coming from, right? More dead-pan-ness, more severity. Down below in the "Concept" box I've mentioned how I think you should have a go at EA and EvenBalance - and as many other things or people as you can. A good example of where you could do this is "In a future patch, we plan to add neural pattern recognition, so that if the user even thinks of cheating, the software can take appropriate action ". You could add "or the ridiculous Call of Duty, for that matter" after cheating. Call of Duty, of course, is a game made by their rivals - Activision in competition with their Medal of Honour series (in case you didn't know - you never know, some people know loads about what they're writing, others don't know much...I don't think it really matter too much, as long as you produce a good article). I would go through the article and look for other opportunities like this - other opportunities to just add that little bit and add that little snippet of humour. However, remember to try and keep the same style. Don't be disheartened by the six, by the way - it's a respectable score for a first article. The humour here is really ready to be turned into something great (I think I've repeated that far too many times throughout this review).
Concept:	7.6	I like the concept - one that is delivered very well for a first article. Blowing up the cheater? Good work! But how about suggesting other future patches or current extensions? All sorts of nasty and hilarious things could be done to the would-be cheater. A few ideas come to mind (most sexual things...). Er, rockets aimed between one's legs? Vibrators being projected at the cheater. These just a few ideas maybe to get you started with ideas. There's a whole range of comedy to be got from your nice little idea here. Maybe also you could have a few digs at EA and EvenBalance. "PunkWaster will go through all the same rigorous testing that all Electronic Arts software is renowned for " - I'm sure a joke could be had from that one. If you can satirise ten things an article opposed to two - do it! Otherwise this is a very good idea you've got behind this article that could really be cultivated into an excellent first article. There's so much you can do with it and so many jokes to be made!
Prose and formatting:	7.6	There's a few little mistakes here and there and is expected - especially if this is your first article. For example on the first line I presume you meant "would be" when you said "world renowned anti-cheating software experts EvenBalance ". These are just little things, so don't worry too much! I would advise a careful read through to see if there are any other little mistakes which could frustrate the reader. There may be a few places where things sound a little too wordy, as well. The article is a little short and I've suggested a few things for expansion in the humour and concept sections. For a first article it is well written, generally and fits the UnNews writing style bill. It is also formatted very well, however it could do with a few links to brighten things up a bit! Just like normal articles UnNewses should have a good selection of blue links spattering the page. One thing I would say - and I know opinions on this are split - is to put all your quotes into {{cquote}} tags. If you don't know how to do this you can ask me on my talkpage or ask any other experienced user. A cquote tag essentially makes the quote all pretty like. However some people don't like using because they claim that the split up the article a bit too much. You could try them out, and if you don't like 'em, don't use 'em.
Images:	6	There's only one image, which for an article that is quite short seems to be enough. However this one image is not the hilarious piece of graphical comedy that it should be. It is quite good, though, and very fitting. Oh and one thing: I would say you should give the picture a comment (that is the description that appears beneath the picture in the frame). Comments can often make images even funnier. If you could find or photoshop pictures of say "A startled gamer tests out the new system" that would be great. Think along those lines. Or a picture of a house with a little bit of smoke coming out of a window - "A picture moments after EvenBalance tested out their new system on xyxyx" - where "xyxyx" is an amusing victim. Get the idea, here? So if this article does see a bit of expansion - which I would recommend - a second image would definitely not go a miss. Maybe one similar to the few suggestions I gave, or possibly a hilarious picture you have thought up/found/photoshopped?
Miscellaneous:	6.8	An average of all your scores - 6/10, 6/10, 7.6/10 and 7.6/10.
Final Score:	34	With some expansion, bits of tweaking and joke adding here and there this really could be a fine first article. Maybe slave a way on it a bit more - following my suggestions and pointers, if you wish - and then bring it back to Pee Review for a second opinion. Key things you've got to focus on are expansion of some of the better bits, satirising EA and EvenBalance, and generally adding as many one-iners, irony, sarcasm and snippets of brilliance that you can. Good luck!
Reviewer:	- [14:40 1 August] Sir FSt Don Yettie