Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:I Know This Isn't Fair Girl, But, Your Foot Odor Has Driven Us apart. We Have To Break Up.
UnBooks:I Know This Isn't Fair Girl, But, Your Foot Odor Has Driven Us apart. We Have To Break Up.[edit source]
Man I really worked hard on this one. Took me nearly a week to complete. Seunketchup88 06:47, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
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A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article is being reviewed by: UU - natter  (While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead). (Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole). |
OK, I'll take a close look. --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 11:45, Mar 4
| Humour: | 7 | In the main, I like this. You have some very good lines, and your treatment is funny without going over the top, which is good. My main issue is with the setup - I think Part 0 would be better expressed as an Introduction or Preface, possibly by another person, a doctor or something. Basically, the explanation helps, but doesn't fit with the rest of the text, and the final paragraph of this section doesn't set up what follows. So keep the content, maybe change the font and the "voice" ever so slightly to reflect that it's a different person writing, and then hand over to the main narrator. A couple of other points I picked up on are mentioned below, but overall, this is good, and got a chuckle or two from me. |
| Concept: | 8 | Yeah, I like it, as I said. I actually shared a flat while I was a student with a guy whose feet reeked, and were known to turn black socks crusty and white. That's not natural man! So I can, to an extent, sympathise here. You've also taken what could have been quite a short idea and worked it into a decent length, and managed to do it while escalating the ridiculousness of the concept (gave the dog cancer, like it!) but not in a way that feels random. Well done. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6.5 | A couple of spelling issues ("kankles"?) and I'm not sure about the way you've written the conversations. Having them follow on on the same lines makes them hard to follow. I'd suggest putting speech on separate lines to make them easy to follow, particularly when there are conversations - it's less of an issue if there's just a line or a few words, but consistency is then the key.
There are also a couple of lines that don't seem to fit too well, such as "Lol, yea. She got smelly tootsies." The people coming in at this point are supposed to be some kind of professionals, right? Have them speak more professionally. |
| Images: | 9.5 | Wow, I think that's my highest ever image score! There are plenty of them, they're all relevant, well captioned, nicely spread throughout the article. So why not a 10? Well, to be honest, I wasn't that taken with the YouTube video. Admittedly, I didn't sit through it all, and I guess there could be a great pay-off, but I just got bored, frankly! |
| Miscellaneous: | 7.8 | Averaged. Stinks, don't it? |
| Final Score: | 38.8 | I like this, it's funny, and it was a decent read. The issues I've mentioned above should help make it a little easier to follow. I'll also make a few suggestions below that I think may help the humo(u)r, but overall, a very good effort. Let me know when you've made the changes I mention (or, if you choose to ignore them, let me know why!) as I'd like to see how this ends up. Who knows where it could end up if you get it right? ;-) |
| Reviewer: | --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 12:57, Mar 4 | |
Comments:
First, a quick one: a splode. Yeah, I don't feel it fits there. Keep the link but change the word to explode, or even the sentence to something like "I felt myself becoming dangerously aroused". Mind you, that could be a personal thing.
On a further read through, I think you need to make more use of the wiki formatting, particularly the bold and italic text, to emphasise the increasingly manic dialogue in each section. CAPS ALONE isn't enough, and you use bold and italics too sparingly. Also, a few more line breaks can help - it's bizarre, but on pages like these, people seem to be discouraged by a long paragraph or two, as if a big block o' text is off-putting. Keeping the exact same words, but breaking up the paragraphs a bit more, seems to make them think it's easier to read and follow. So just have another think about that.
Oh, and add a few more links in as well. There's plenty of potential in here. Spending a few minutes thinking of good links (and creative ones, such as the "open ended" link in this) can really help.
That's about it for now. I think that making those changes would help it to flow better, and therefore help the jokes you've put in there to breathe a bit better. If you want a bit more feedback, let me know when you've made these changes, and I'll take another look. It should be easier to spot which bits work and which bits don't at that point.
Hope all this helps. Remember, this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck! --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 14:26, Mar 4