Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Caffeine Cold Turkey (mid-write review)
So pretty much wanting someone to give me feedback on what I've conjured up so far and what I might need to improve on it. I intend to write it to a full 30 day "journal", but sorta lost my train of thoughts and am wondering what is and isn't really that funny atm... Help a damsel in distress out, please? O_o
Projectmayhem666-has stamped this article for review.
- Based the review on what you've written so far, hence the fair score. --—The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 15:15, 23 March 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Opening quote is ok, well written, sounds like a J Robinson poem.
The introduction could be funnier, I'm in a skeptical mood, also hungover but hey. You repeat the point about it being the only thing to get you out of bed, repeating is rarely good. I do get the feeling the intro is drawing into something funny, but its quite long winded in doing so. To the point the reader may lose all interest. But its well written.
The first section is ok, it works with the article, it is not, however, really gripping me into reading the rest of the article, maybe I am just being cynical but your character doesn't seem frustrated enough at the fact they cannot have caffeine for a month to be comical.
The second section is brilliant, this is what I was waiting for with the long intro, which is still a little too long, I laughed at this bit, the only complaint I have is about the tea, as well as it having more caffeine, the only reason is because it said in the previous section that all forms of caffeine are not allowed. Brilliant section anywho.
The third section is just as good, I like the smashing hand thing, I'm sure I saw that on House. I like day 11 its very good.
I focused on the negative I know, it is however well written and funny once you get into it, I like the idea also. The introduction and first section do need some work though.
|Concept:||7||Its a really good idea and you've written it very well, the intro however lets the article down as I think it really draws out the tension.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||In the intro I believe this is deliberate, but "As a youngling I started off by drinking" - would be youngster as youngling is not a real word. Also "When work became night shifts, the sweet nectar followed" I believe saying "when work days became work nights, the sweet nectar followed" would be better.
In the first section, "the bet was about all forms of caffeine." should really be "the bet included all forms of caffeine", I just don't like the use of about there.
The second section, praises be with ye! You used and after a fullstop, however, unlike the rest of these miscreates, you used it in the correct sense!!! First review ever it has been used correctly!
Rest of the language was concluded as fine. No mistakes that I noticed.
|Images:||5||I like the sleep when dead image, but it's the only one, the coffee icon is also a nice touch, I did originally give you 4 but the article isn't complete. The second image is dark and hard to make out, contrast increase?|
|Miscellaneous:||7||7 because it's a very good first half of an article with alot of potential! Great work.|
|Final Score:||32||Can't wait to see it complete, the first parts need to be worked on though. Hope the review was useful.|
|Reviewer:||--—The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 15:13, 23 March 2009 (UTC)|