Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Mysterious Ball

Main

Current

Reviewed

Archive

Guidelines

FAQ

Committee

RotM

The Mysterious Ball

10:44, November 30, 2011 (UTC)

This has sat long enough, and is short enough, that I shall... try to do it. Yes. Soon, I say. Hopefully within the day, because that's proper. 1234 ~ 18:57, 15 January 2012

Gods dammit, I suck. This'll be done before the weekend, though. This I swear. Normally I'd have to ban myself, but even slow reviews are better than no reviews these days... I am so sorry for the inconvenience. 1234 ~ 06:51, 19 January 2012

Humour:	4	What a... mysterious ball. What's mysterious about it, though? You keep repeating that it's quite mysterious, and the repetition just drags on, since that's about all it seems to be. Mind you, repetition can work, but it has to be intersperced among other content, and the ratio of content to repetition here seems to be about opposite of what it should be - add more description of what's mysterious about it (that aura, more about that), and lost most of the 'it's so mysterious' and not only should you have more room for jokes (comparisons to other mysteries, clichés, descriptions of how it defies laws of science and logic, or perceived laws, anyway, that kind of thing), but the repetition should also become a clearer joke... Reading on, there's more repetition... stuff about trust... well, why not? Why can't it be trusted? Perhaps now would be a good time for a crazy story about what happened with another mysterious object, maybe a spoon or something, when the guy was stoned in the church basement. Okay, that's not the best idea, but if you develop the character a little in some fashion with backstory, that could give you room to make more jokes and whatnot. More repetition. Okay. Sure. {{cn}} Moving on from the introduction, however, the next section seems to be... more repetition. Bermuda Triangle mention could lead to something, but why? And how could you belittle the mystery and lives lost and all that yunk from the triangle in comparison to this ball? And what disappearance of Osama bin Laden? Actually, that one is better, although it does need one thing - jokes. It has one, that the ball was what killed him, but it needs more. Plural. And such. This is actually building into a nice rant at this point. Not crazy enough, though. Needs more crazy and less repetition, and the build up was much too long and fluffy. Less fluffy and/or less long would be nice. Still being pretty repetitive... Next section, then: Why would it want to wipe out the human race? Is this another mystery? What other mysteries are there? Are the very mysteries mysterious? Hmm, that was repetitive, too, but in a different way. Different can be nice. Beast reference good. Could have more for jokes of some sort, but I can't think of anything. Referring to the audience giggling doesn't help anything, especially if the audience isn't amused, which it may not be. On the other hand, even if it is, it just doesn't help - breaks walls. The guy is crazy, not aware of what's actually going on. Ranting and repetition... back it up with more craziness. Any loser can repeat the same thing over and over again; only when it has true ridiculousness, and the ridiculousness seems real, does it actually come across as... uh... ridiculous. Or something. I never claimed to have a working brain, which is good, because I really don't right now. Or ever, really. But that's not the point... Why should we believe this fellow? He needs to back it up with more crazy stories and bad logic and twisted realities. And then we have more reptition. And a blood splatter. Why so overt? Why can't it just end quietly after he's actually convinced us? Then we could all cower instead of shower. Get it? Shower to get rid of the blood... sorry, that was terrible, I know. This would be why I'm reviewing and not actually writing, of course. *shifty eyes* Blood could work, though. Template thing after the blood, however, is completely needless. Doesn't add at all.
Concept:	5	Sure, the guy's crazy... or is he? But we've enough crazy people as it is that this one at least needs to do something more than repeat the same thing over and over. Explore the crazy. Understand it, feel it, and write it all down as if it were your own. He is crazy, yes, but why? How does he justify it, to the world, and to himself, and how does the cognitive dissonance that inevitably arrises arise? Perhaps the blood was actually just from him banging his head on the ball in order to make it stop staring at him.
Prose and formatting:	6	Describing something as undescribable is a bit of a cop-out, and not going to help you here. You need description. The prose is where the personality gets across. You probably don't need to use so many different text effects - no need for italics and bold and big, is there? The guy's words should get across his instability far more effectively than the format. That said, what you use isn't really problematic, either; it just shouldn't be necessary. There was a grammatical error I noticed. It's. That is the conjunction of 'it is'. The denotation of posession is always 'its'. Ovarall decently written, though. Just far too repetitive.
Images:	5	Neither image has an aura. They don't even appear to be the same ball. Perhaps an explanation is in order? The second is a better one, though, since it actually looks like a ball. First one looks like a circle with a radial gradient on it, probably because it has no surrounding stuff to give it depth. Captions could also use work - currently they also just repeat the main text; explaining them more effectively would probably work better. Or something. And blood is blood. Bit of an overused image, but... eh. If you want to, it's not a big deal.
Miscellaneous:	6	Have a link to an image of a slime mold. Don't you love slime molds?
Final Score:	26	Again, really sorry this took so long. Hopefully the stuff will prove useful; you have the beginnings of a lovely pile of craziness here, after all. Craziness can be fun. Currently the thing just isn't funny, though, so you need to do something. Elaboration on the character and less repetition should help. I think.
Reviewer:	1234 ~ 09:35, 20 January 2012

4	Humour The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
	What a... mysterious ball. What's mysterious about it, though? You keep repeating that it's quite mysterious, and the repetition just drags on, since that's about all it seems to be. Mind you, repetition can work, but it has to be intersperced among other content, and the ratio of content to repetition here seems to be about opposite of what it should be - add more description of what's mysterious about it (that aura, more about that), and lost most of the 'it's so mysterious' and not only should you have more room for jokes (comparisons to other mysteries, clichés, descriptions of how it defies laws of science and logic, or perceived laws, anyway, that kind of thing), but the repetition should also become a clearer joke... Reading on, there's more repetition... stuff about trust... well, why not? Why can't it be trusted? Perhaps now would be a good time for a crazy story about what happened with another mysterious object, maybe a spoon or something, when the guy was stoned in the church basement. Okay, that's not the best idea, but if you develop the character a little in some fashion with backstory, that could give you room to make more jokes and whatnot. More repetition. Okay. Sure. {{cn}} Moving on from the introduction, however, the next section seems to be... more repetition. Bermuda Triangle mention could lead to something, but why? And how could you belittle the mystery and lives lost and all that yunk from the triangle in comparison to this ball? And what disappearance of Osama bin Laden? Actually, that one is better, although it does need one thing - jokes. It has one, that the ball was what killed him, but it needs more. Plural. And such. This is actually building into a nice rant at this point. Not crazy enough, though. Needs more crazy and less repetition, and the build up was much too long and fluffy. Less fluffy and/or less long would be nice. Still being pretty repetitive... Next section, then: Why would it want to wipe out the human race? Is this another mystery? What other mysteries are there? Are the very mysteries mysterious? Hmm, that was repetitive, too, but in a different way. Different can be nice. Beast reference good. Could have more for jokes of some sort, but I can't think of anything. Referring to the audience giggling doesn't help anything, especially if the audience isn't amused, which it may not be. On the other hand, even if it is, it just doesn't help - breaks walls. The guy is crazy, not aware of what's actually going on. Ranting and repetition... back it up with more craziness. Any loser can repeat the same thing over and over again; only when it has true ridiculousness, and the ridiculousness seems real, does it actually come across as... uh... ridiculous. Or something. I never claimed to have a working brain, which is good, because I really don't right now. Or ever, really. But that's not the point... Why should we believe this fellow? He needs to back it up with more crazy stories and bad logic and twisted realities. And then we have more reptition. And a blood splatter. Why so overt? Why can't it just end quietly after he's actually convinced us? Then we could all cower instead of shower. Get it? Shower to get rid of the blood... sorry, that was terrible, I know. This would be why I'm reviewing and not actually writing, of course. *shifty eyes* Blood could work, though. Template thing after the blood, however, is completely needless. Doesn't add at all.
5	Concept The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
	Sure, the guy's crazy... or is he? But we've enough crazy people as it is that this one at least needs to do something more than repeat the same thing over and over. Explore the crazy. Understand it, feel it, and write it all down as if it were your own. He is crazy, yes, but why? How does he justify it, to the world, and to himself, and how does the cognitive dissonance that inevitably arrises arise? Perhaps the blood was actually just from him banging his head on the ball in order to make it stop staring at him.
6	Prose and formatting Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
	Describing something as undescribable is a bit of a cop-out, and not going to help you here. You need description. The prose is where the personality gets across. You probably don't need to use so many different text effects - no need for italics and bold and big, is there? The guy's words should get across his instability far more effectively than the format. That said, what you use isn't really problematic, either; it just shouldn't be necessary. There was a grammatical error I noticed. It's. That is the conjunction of 'it is'. The denotation of posession is always 'its'. Ovarall decently written, though. Just far too repetitive.
5	Images The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
	Neither image has an aura. They don't even appear to be the same ball. Perhaps an explanation is in order? The second is a better one, though, since it actually looks like a ball. First one looks like a circle with a radial gradient on it, probably because it has no surrounding stuff to give it depth. Captions could also use work - currently they also just repeat the main text; explaining them more effectively would probably work better. Or something. And blood is blood. Bit of an overused image, but... eh. If you want to, it's not a big deal.
6	Miscellaneous Anything else... or not...
	Have a link to an image of a slime mold. Don't you love slime molds?
26	Final score 1234 ~ 09:35, 20 January 2012
	Again, really sorry this took so long. Hopefully the stuff will prove useful; you have the beginnings of a lovely pile of craziness here, after all. Craziness can be fun. Currently the thing just isn't funny, though, so you need to do something. Elaboration on the character and less repetition should help. I think.