Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Phoenicians

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Phoenicians

My attempt at satire. In depth, please. --~~First Child Rei Ayanami (give orders) 20:14, October 23, 2010 (UTC)

Although I found it quite entertaining, you should add places outside of the United States with which to compare it, as that may increase the number of people who like it. Also, it takes a while to get funny, so try adding more overt humour, rather than tounge-in-cheek humour, to the first couple of lines. Sincerely, Z3R0 H0UR

this pages supports mandatory abortions. Just saying... – Preceding unsigned comment added by Jakerslake (talk • contribs)

Since nobody is going to do this, I shall give it a shot. 24-48 hours.--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 04:39, December 18, 2010 (UTC)

Almost done.--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 00:05, December 19, 2010 (UTC)

Humour:	3	First off, I’m going to start on the basic problems and then slowly go into detail. Now let’s begin with the article itself. Right from the beginning I knew this was going to be a random fictional article, and my guess was right after I finished reading it. While there is no problem in such articles (some were probably even featured), you did not execute it in a way that would make the concept funny. There are many flaws in your article that I will point out. First, you attempted to turn a modern day city into an ancient civilization in a country that possibly didn’t even have Indians during the B.C. days. People have tried to do this with other articles and it has not worked out so great. While imagination is crucial to making a funny article you should always remember that the funniest articles are those closest to the truth (as stated in HTBFANJS), and this has not been applied here. I will go further into this in the concept section below. Second, you make the Phoenicians look like a fucked up generation of people. There are three problems I have with this kind of humor. 1) Too many people do this kind of humor these days; please don’t be one of them. 2) It rarely achieves any humor and makes the article look very unprofessional. Some Uncyclopedians use the inferior subject to achieve humor by making the subject of parody look weak and unintelligent, and more mature readers would not find the article funny but annoying and believe the author is a 12 year old boy with no life. 3) It looks like an attempt to bash the people of Phoenix. While this may not be your intention (and I hope it’s not), it’s important to remember that people do have feelings, and bashing people will turn them away from this article or even Uncyclopedia itself. If you’re going to make jokes about people, do it in a way were it does not look like your criticizing someone or people from a city you don’t like. You also tend to ruin the entire ancient civilization concept by putting in modern day this. Few examples include the following: “with one of the highest college dropout rates of all early Western World civilizations”, “artifacts such as whiskey bottles and condoms have been found at supposed sites of religious rituals” and “average GPA of a top student being about 0.7. Phoenician classrooms rarely had teachers”. This type of thing is not the best way to achieve humor and can turns off a reader and make them somewhere else for humor. It’s preferred that you put in an object used in that time period and make it a link to another article. A good example would be “Me and your mom had a stroll in the forest today” See where I’m getting at?
Concept:	1	The concept of putting a modern day city into a modern day unfortunately does not work out here, I’m afraid. And the things I mentioned above only made the score lower. Not trying to be a dick, but I don’t believe this concept can be saved. Now the concept would be good if you made the article about the people of Phoenix in a modern day view and add a history where life in phoenix was harsh for the people (without outright bashing them). Or, you can make up a fictional civilization that came from the Middle East or so, and explain what life there was, and then say they left to escape persecution or something similar and how they came to find the city of Phoenix. That way you can rewrite the article without removing the ancient civilization idea all together. Just an idea and it’s solely up to you, but I’m just giving you a hint just to give you an idea on how you can improve it.
Prose and formatting:	10	This section was what I thought was the best of the article. It shows me you’re a good speller or you took the time to proofread it, unlike other lazy users.
Images:	5	The first one does not fit the ancient civilization concept you're imposing. Ancient civilizations images would include stuff like temples and such; this just ruin the entire concpet. If you go with the modern day concept I mentioned above, you can keep this image, but come up with a better caption. The second one is ok. Not very funny, but a better caption might bring up some humor in some way. As for the third one, you make the Phoenicians look more like cave men, as well as supporting the bashing concept I mentioned above, so get rid of it and place a different picture of a school in Phoenix. While three is a good enough number, it is wise to at least add one or two or more images to support your article and make it funnier, but this is up to you.
Miscellaneous:	4.8	My average score of this article.
Final Score:	23.8	Sorry for the low score, but I have to be truthful, it’s the rule of Pee Review. Besides, if I said it was good, you would have put on VFH and gotten a very bad score and harshly criticized because of its flaws. You’re not a bad writer; you have the skills and imagination, you just need to use them properly. I’m not saying you should scrap the entire thing, but rewrite it following and applying the suggestions I said above and this article might turn out pretty good. Remember, HTBFANJS is at your disposal, so don’t be afraid (or lazy) to read it. Even experienced users like myself look at it once in a while to refresh ourselves. If you have any questions/ comments/etc, feel free to go to my talk page and I’ll be happy to answer/reply/etc. Good Luck. Cheers!
Reviewer:	--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 00:53, December 19, 2010 (UTC)