| Prose and formatting:
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To avoid repeated myself, I put Prose and Formatting and Humour comments together, but do score them separately. Some of my points will get nitpicky, but I find authors tend to like that (I do a little Proofreading with the Pee Review at no extra charge).
I liked the general tone of your article as if it were a straight-forward Wikipedia article--except it isn't. Someone who didn't know about the character of Madeline might well believe this is based on a real person. But I do think the article can use some work, and of course so do you or you wouldn't have put it up for Pee Review. I liked your prose, and with some fixes, your prose score would be higher.
Your introduction
- "Perhaps this is rather insidey, but I believe the original books all begin with "In an old house in Paris, that was covered with vines, lived twelve little girls in two straight lines... the smallest one was Madeline." (No, I didn't remember the quote from memory; I had to look it up). The newer versions end with "That's all there is, there isn't any more" (Ditto). I think using one or both of these would be nice.
- "Ludwig Bemelmans (apostrophe) highly successful...."
- "The success of his books...." then in the next paragraph "After the success of the book"--did you want singular or plural?
- "Madeline
was cast as (played) herself in a TV show"--suggested reword.
- "Madeline was cast as herself in a TV show about her life. Movies followed."--I believe a movie actually came first, but I suppose that's not important.
- Thank you for saying Madeline had parents and was at a boarding school, and was not an orphan at an orphanage (even though I think one uncanonical treatment made her one). Maybe people get confused with that other little red headed girl Annie.
Early years
- "caning and flogging at the hands of nuns (period or semicolon) this would would later shape her life."
- "At the age of 6 (optional comma) Madeline was rushed to the hospital with undiagnosed
A appendicitis."--I think this should start the next paragraph that also includes "Following this nearly fatal infection...." :"Out of guilt and pity (comma) she was...." "The play was being directed to be directed" "...an out of work author Ludwig Bemelmans"--either "author named Ludwig" or "the out-of-work author Ludwig" (notice -'s).
Career
- "Madeline's career
s started out simply....and then a movie deal."--(see movie/TV note above). This first paragraph largely repeats what's already been written--you might want to add something new here, or actually cut out this first paragraph altogether--I don't think it's needed.
- "...cast as herself in
the (an) HBO animated television...." "I'm Madeline, I'm Madeline (comma)(quotation mark) and...." "...first movie was produced (in 1996)"--I'd cut the parentheses here and with "(1997)." Also the Hatty Jones (the blond) movie came out (if that certain online encyclopedia is right) in 1998, not 1999. Yes, I know you have to fudge dates to get your timeline right--you can't have Madeline be 7 or 8 in 1939 and realistically playing a kid 40 or more years later, but as the movie's actual release date fits your timeline, I think it would work better (not that anybody but me will actually look up the date). I do think the casting age thing works well for your transition--she's now too old to play herself, so has to do something else.
- "...find her place in the world (comma) Madeline delved...." I like how you linked Jay-Z's Vol. 2... Hard Knock Life (title should be in italics) with Madeline through Annie--nice connection. "...another
more famous redhead..." You might want to reword this section, though. It says the album is a collaboration, which seems to imply she worked on many songs on the album. But then when only one song is cut, Madeline's star fell. If she only contributed to the one song, you could specify that at the beginning of this paragraph.
Rebellious Years
- "Madeline moved from Paris to London (no comma) to pursue serious acting...." "...she had no talent other than attracting and arousing older men...."--where did this come from? Other than a subtle mention about Bemelmans liking her, the article doesn't talk about this. Also apparently she does have talent because of her animated movie--or was that a hit on TV because of older men?
- "...throwing herself deeper down the rabbit hole of drugs and sex...."--I like the rabbit hole reference. But throwing herself deeper into sex and drugs implies she was already doing this. I'd make this "throwing herself down the deep rabbit hole of sex and drugs...."
- "Britain's obsession with celebrities, and murders of paparazzi"--do you mean to say Britain is obsessed with paparazzi? If not, I'd reword this. Also I've long liked "murder of crows," so thanks for throwing that it--and it's nice for a group of paparazzi. "...flipped the V-sign...."--many Americans won't know that the V-sign with the back of the hand showing is like the America flip of the middle finger. You might want to say "obscene V-sign" because otherwise they might think "the V-sign means 'peace' so what's wrong with that?" If you explain it, I think this works well, especially if you emphasize that the Brits were fascinated by her sex and drugs, but horrified by a single gesture.
- "Throughout this period (comma) Madeline struggled...." "She took the path lain out in front of her by the greats of Hollywood like Drew Barrymore and Miley Cyrus, and posed nude."--suggested rewording. If you want to keep the " - " then "the greats of Hollywood - Drew Barrymore, Miley Cyrus - and posed nude." I like the contrast here--Brits horrified by the young girl doing a gesture, but still wanting to see her pose nude.
- "Soon (comma) posing nude...." "On the first of May, 1998"--I'd recommend saying "the 15-year-old was arrested" and also adding the year and/or her age to some of the earlier accounts so the reader will know her age. Until now, she could have tried acting in London for a year, 10 years, 20 years--I'd let the reader know how long it was and how old she was before her fall began. "...she was arrested, in Paris for public nudity...."--possible, although toplessness has been acceptable and even promoted in France for the beach. However, toplessness at public pools ironically draws the police. Strange. "Following this extremely bad publicity, Universal Studios and Disney both canceled contracts"--what contracts? All the reader has been told that she's been doing lately is taking off her clothes, having sex and doing drugs. "...this litigation may have been fought of"--I'm not sure what you want here, but it needs to be reworded. "...friend Eloise of the Plaza Hotel...."--how did they become friends?
- "The relationship, superficial (no comma) and trendy (comma) was short lived."--there's also a possible American tie in. In a story found in Madeline in America and Other Holiday Tales (1999), "Madeline inherits a fortune from her rich American great-grandfather." (No, this isn't from memory, I had to look it up). This could give you a tie-in with one of the original stories, where she inherits money, moves to America, but wastes it all on wild living or some such.
- "...she spent most of her time sitting in a dark room, watching old movies, and obsessively folding tissues...."--I'm guessing this is a Howard Hughes reference, although it also fits the stereotypical aged starlet who lost her career when the silent film era ended; I liked it.
- "When this tactic failed
to come to a head...." "on the Internet (capitalize)."
Notes
- 2. "And had developed breast"--I'm assuming she, unlike the early Disney princesses, had two breasts.
- 3. "Tragically (comma) the actress who took her role would die during filming of the movie's (climatic) gun battle."--this nicely explains why we never saw Hatty Jones again.
My formatting comments are actually in Images (I do make these things confusing, don't I?), although I will say here I'd suggest getting rid of most of the red links. If you think one or two red links really need to stay because they show an article that really needs to be written, I'd leave those and get rid of the rest.
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RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 00:52, November 18, 2009 (UTC)
