Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Jewkip
Jewkip[edit source]
This was my Poo Lit Surprise entry for Best Article by a Noob (runner-up). Looking for suggestions as to how to make it funnier - I kind of feel the concept is better than the humour. 17:49, February 25, 2011 (UTC)
- I'll do this even though I am very American which may make it more challenging.
(talk) 23:07, February 27, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6.5 | Go go gadget section-by-section humor review!
The Intro Very good set-up. The numbers were believable for a small party such as this and you even threw a couple jokes in there. Nice. I expected a little more escalation throughout the article from just these two paragraphs, as it seemed set up to get more ridiculous as time went on, but the choice of seemingly randomly becoming ridiculous works as well. (Perhaps better as it seems less racists/religion-ist) History You start out with a Nazi joke, which is a no-no and, in fact, will turn a lot of people off to the rest of your article (Godwin's law and all that.) If it's true then...well...o_O Keep it I guess. The first paragraph reads more like a commentary on political parties (minus the Nazi joke) and isn't that funny. You make up for it a little by instantly bringing the funny in the second paragraph and end that same paragraph with a few good jokes. What I would recommend changing is staying away from actual reasons why Jewkip wouldn't like Islam, "A religion of fear," and instead replace that with more Jewish reasons (ie they eat pork, bread with yeast, etc.) Policies I find this section especially funny with the exception of the Foreign Policy sub-section. Foreign Policy based around nuking other countries isn't funny, it's just primitive. A good way to lead up to this idea would be how Jewkip would deal with the UN (ignore them just like everyone else) and then whether or not they would adopt policies based on how they treat Israel or how orthodox they were (in which case they wouldn't want to have closer relations with the US as Israeli jews don't think American jews are orthodox enough (or so I've heard.)) Electoral performance This section is pretty funny, but the "Torah Torah Torah" joke is a little overused. The one about people believing Jewkip was a joke party was a little self-referential, but it made me laugh so I'd keep it. I'll explain this more below, but I think this should be moved to the end of the intro. |
| Concept: | 8 | I really like the concept of a parody on a political party. There's a lot that can be done here, and a lot that you've already done. One thing that I thought was really good was applying the ultra-orthodox policies, but with a stipulation that made them slightly more believable (Exiling all the brits, but keeping some to have someone to do work on sabbaths.) However, this is a political party you're talking about, and since this is the only site we have for them, we need detailed plans of how these things will be implemented in the future (Will everyone instantly be exiled or will it be over a period of time? What are the criteria for who will stay to do work?) (From Humor section) The last section that you have (Electoral performance) reads a lot like the intro of your article. The content is also pretty similar to what you would expect to find in the intro, which probably means it should be moved there (You know, if you want to.)
All in all this concept is good and well done, it just needs a little more fleshing out. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7.5 | 1) I think this could be longer. I looked up the wiki page for UKIP which has 6 sections that could be parodied, you've done three of them so far. The sections that you haven't done are the ones that would be the easiest (IMO) to write as well, especially the "Controversies" section, which could be a great target for escalation. You already have some information in this article which could serve to fill out the other sections with a little reworking.
2) What you have could be expanded a bit. The Intro, History and Electoral performance sections could do with another paragraph, even if it's a short one. If you can think of a way to expand the Policies section without detracting from the jokes I would recommend that too, but it holds its own right now. 3) Like on the wiki page I think this could benefit from an infobox. I'm not generally a promoter of that idea, but if you made the article longer it would fit with the page and would be a great place for some humor. Filling out infoboxes has been a good stepping-stone for me (once) before in regard to coming up with more things to write on. For example, two things in the UKIP infobox that you didn't mention for Jewkip that could be humorous are the other major positions (Chairperson, Secretary-General, etc.) and the Official colors. |
| Images: | 4 | The images were really your weak point. There are only two in the whole article if you don't count the two templates that you have. The first image's caption either is a weak joke or is the truth (I don't know what a shekel sign looks like) and the text at the bottom of the image is hard to read (yellow is really not a good color to go on white.) The second image's caption is just telling us who the picture is of. Neither of these are funny to the average reader.
The best way to remedy this would to instead get images of things that Jewkip wishes to implement. Perhaps an image of an England where only ~1.2% of the population remains, or one where all of the educated jobs are taken up by Jewish men. Neither of these are really all that good, I'm just suggesting other things that may prompt you to think of something else on your own (this is your idea after all.) |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | Overall "feel" from this article. |
| Final Score: | 32 | Using the wiki page for UKIP as inspiration was a good idea. I think you just need to keep going with that and you could have yourself a solid article. |
| Reviewer: |  (talk)
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