Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Survive in the Expendable Thug Industry
HowTo:Survive in the Expendable Thug Industry[edit source]
Reviews reciprocated. Be honest and constructive and I'll show your article the same courtesy.YouFang 23:37, November 8, 2010 (UTC)
- I've got this. --ChiefjusticePS2 16:12, November 19, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 8 | Right, I was very interested to see how you would take this one on and I thought your solution wasn't bad at all, you make some good jokes and I generally enjoyed the article. That said there are a couple of things I would recommend you take a second look at before you take the article anywhere else. The first thing that struck me was that the reader's character plays very little part in the article, he/she is very much led through the article by the narrator who anticipates and answers any questions that may be raised. This isn't such a bad things and lots of How To articles do the same thing, my main feeling with your article was that you could have characterised the reader's character a bit better as we don't really get an impression of who they are or what their motivation is. Essentially what I mean is rather than kicking the article off with "Hey, it's me, Joey da Weasel. I been a pro thug for twenny years now. So I know what I'm talkin' about" try something like "Hey kid, yeah you, you reminds me of me back in da day when I just got inta the business, the name's Joey da Weasel. Now I like the look of ya kid, ya look like ya want to reach retirement without too many scars, am I right?" Now while what I have written there may not win any awards for comedy I hope it makes the point reasonably well; the second one gives the reader a character to see the article from and it allows the character of "Joey da Weasel" an opportunity to develop, he isn't just talking he's helping the reader survive in the expendable thug industry. The reason for doing this is multi-faceted, firstly you will find it allows you to make more jokes using the Joey character, rather than simply saying a line of advice you can get a joke out of the fact that the reader's character is essentially mute, for instance in the part about keeping your head down and saying nothing you could say something like "Yous seems be managing dat quite well" or you can try and be a bit more subtle, build a relationship between the reader and the narrator throughout the article.
The second thing that I noticed was with regard to the context you place the article in, while I'll speak a bit more about this in the concept section I was finding that a lot of jokes weren't having the impact on me that I suspect you were hoping for simply because I was unsure of why something was as it was, perhaps it is simply because I am difficult but when you made jokes about heroes I was always curious as to whether they were real or not and this lack of a grounding in any particular context doesn't do your article any favours. My advice would be treat the reader's character as though they haven't a clue what is going on, you wouldn't start referring to places in New York while in conversation with someone who has never even heard of it, so explain things before you make a joke. I know it seems to take an abusive amount of time to explain something and you often feel like you need to get another joke in here but if you spend a few lines (at the appropriate points) explaining where your article is set, what is going on in your article and who everyone is then your jokes will have more of an impact when you want them to. That said I wouldn't say you have to explain everything, for people like Magneto and the Joker an explanation is not needed, stick to explaining how things work in the context you have created for your article. I realise there is a fair amount to take in here but I would urge you not to be discouraged you write very well and the foundations of the article are good, you just need to polish things off and experiment with what you have already to make it have more of an impact on a reader. |
| Concept: | 6 | OK, for me the context was the big problem with your article, it is stopping you moving into the realms of higher scores (9's and 10's) and having a detrimental effect on your humour as well. The main problem as I touched on above is context, but here it goes beyond the issue of simply not explaining what is going on thoroughly. My main problem was that I didn't know whether the people in your article were acting or whether they are supposed to be real people. Initially I thought, they are supposed to be actors, but as the article progressed I got the impression you want us to think that they are real people, actors obviously not being killed when they are "killed" in films. The issue was further confused for me when you began talking about films to star in and the ratings they have and the varying dangers this brings. My advice here would be to try and come down on one side of this make the people in your article actors or make them real people, if you try to have it both ways it doesn't work. There are several ways you could consider tackling this problem, the first would be to make the thugs actors and claim that the market for expendable thugs is very poor due to advances in special effects and a penchant for scriptwriters to make villains members of cults that insist on their members covering their faces at all times, or you can come up with an idea to make things entirely real, perhaps that the thugs are forced to participate, this is the preferable option in my opinion, but it may be slightly harder to accomplish. I leave the decision up to you but would strongly advise against leaving it as it is, it's just too difficult to overlook the inconsistencies as the article progresses and that could be a problem if you want to take the article to VFH. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | Your prose are pretty good, but aren't without issues. The main issue in checking your prose is the style you have chosen to use for the character, remember that this shouldn't get in the way of your jokes but your character should stay using the same vernacular throughout. Your punctuation and grammar isn't bad, though I did note a couple of issues so I would go back through and do another proofread, alternatively you can use the proofreading service if you can't stand proofreading. Otherwise I don't have too much to say here, my only comment would be that you should try to make sure two images are not directly opposite each other as your joker and magneto images are at the moment, as they squeeze the text into the middle and distract attention from the prose; try and space them out a bit. |
| Images: | 8 | Your images are also of a good standard, my only comment would be on the subject of the image captions, they are just as important as the image itself so don't overlook them. Where captions are concerned you want to avoid restating what you have said in the text but at the same time use them to emphasise points and compliment the text, take a look at some of the image captions in our featured articles if you want to see it in practice. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 36 | This is a good effort, an effort that I note has resulted in you netting the featured How To spot earlier this month, this should give you the confidence in your own writing to carry on improving this article in order to get it passed on VFH if that is your intention. As I have said above you are doing well across the board but there are still some problems that need fixing, focus your efforts on your concept and context before anything else and then work on improving beyond that. If you have any questions or comments for me then feel free to let me know on my talk page. Good luck making any changes. |
| Reviewer: | --ChiefjusticePS2 17:26, November 19, 2010 (UTC) | |