Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Part the Red Sea
HowTo:Part the Red Sea[edit source]
Partially inspired by Al & FunnyBony's HowTo:Create a sandstorm and partially inspired by boredom 21:43, May 8, 2010 (UTC)
- I'm starting this now. --ChiefjusticeGameCube 16:15, May 13, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 8 | Right, I think you have a pretty decent article here and it is generally well written and amusing in all the places it should be and I enjoyed reading through it. There are, however, a number of problems that I would recommend you have a look at. The very first thing that I noticed is that you have a tendency to be inconsistent with your points, you get bogged down with some of them and spend a couple of sentences making things clear and occasionally spend too little time dealing with other points. Permit me to expand, consider the early part of the article where you are discussing finding God, you make the point early on that nobody knows where God is, or even if he exists, but then spend a little while more embellishing a point you have already made, this isn't a major issue, but I felt that you were wandering from the point slightly, what you were talking about was still relevant to the paragraph, but in the same way that a banana skin is essential to a banana, it isn't essential should you wish to eat the banana, it's fine to have it there, but essentially it gets in the way of what you are trying to do. The idea I am trying to get across to you is that you should be careful about belabouring a point, the main reason for this is that you should try to be aware of the reader's reaction to what you are writing at all times, and you should be aware of the possibility that some of your jokes may not provoke the desired reaction in everyone. To ensure that people do not become bored with your article you should try to expand most on the necessary points, I'm not saying that you should do something like "Try contacting God, some people don't believe he exists, but others do, you don't want to walk around the sea do you?" I'm suggesting that you should consider streamlining some of your points. My advice would be that you read through carefully and and you look for instances where you go into a bit too much depth where it isn't essential, try cutting these sections down, there are a number of techniques you can use in order to achieve this result, try using things like link non-sequiturs to make a point without having to write it in the main body of the article. I would urge you not to look at this as a major stumbling block for your article because its prime effect is to stretch some jokes out a bit much.
My second point on your humour would be that you should make an effort to talk down to the reader a bit more, in the fashion perfected by instruction manuals everywhere, remember that the idea of a How To is that the reader is shown how to do something, and this idea should be at the core of all your humour. There are a couple of instances in the article where your jokes feel like they have lost sight of what you are trying to do, for instance when you say something like "So it didn't work, huh? Well, God has shown a preference to Jews when it comes to this, so maybe converting will help." you are talking in a conversational style rather than saying something like "Having trouble using God to part the Red Sea? Don't worry, everyone is inept at some point." Now while what I have written there may not be the funniest thing you have ever heard, I hope it makes the point, the second talks down to the reader rather than approaching them as an equal, the suggestion implies that were the reader not such an idiot then they would have no problems parting the Red Sea. I will go into your tone a bit further in the next section, but from this standpoint you should aim to style your humour in a slightly different way, take a look at some of the featured HowTo's and take a look at some of the different ways that authors approach the reader. My advice for improving yours would be to decide for yourself how you want to address the reader, remember that what sets a HowTo apart from other articles is the way that it involves the reader. Generally I like your jokes and I enjoyed where you went with the article, the humour is intelligent and good to read, there are just a couple of issues that I would suggest you took a second look at before you finish up with this one. |
| Concept: | 7 | The concept is good and certainly encourages a reader to investigate your article. The only issue I have here is your tone. I touched on this above when I mentioned your style. The issue is that you are speaking as though you are both talking as a guide, but also as though you are there as these events are going on, my recommendation would be that you try and refer to events as though they have not happened yet; this may seem a pretty small thing for me to start complaining about but you have to remember that this is a HowTo, consider it this way, if you were building a Shed and had been forced to pick up the instructions they would not say "As you pick up the wood carefully in one hand be sure to hammer it into position carefully, literally the worst thing that could happen in shed construction would be badly hammered in wood" it would be more likely to say "Hammer the wood into position so it looks like this" Now while the examples I have provided here are a bit extreme I hope they make the point, one is a conversational style and the other is instructional, you need to decide which you are going to pursue for your article as splitting the two makes the article seem unsure of what it is trying to be. If we apply this to your article, look at where you say "Now that your fan stockpile has turned the country of Lichtenstein into one large warehouse", this would become something like "You will need to pick out a suitable place to stockpile the fans, why not turn the country of Lichtenstein into a large warehouse? It isn't like they are using it for anything vital". Remember this isn't a matter of one being more inherently humorous than the other, as I have seen both used very well, but is rather an indication that you should choose one approach and stick to it. The only other thing I would tell you is that you should try to avoid things like this "Well, when you get blown up by crazy Middle-Easterners or misguided U.S. missiles, it's your own damn fault." By all means address the reader but try to be subtle with insulting them, something like the above makes your article sound slightly unprofessional, try something like "Well, if getting blown up by crazy Middle-Easterners or misguided U.S. missiles sounds like your idea of a good time, then discard this guide immediately and start walking". The difference is that the insult is implied in the second rather than being overtly levelled at the reader. |
| Prose and formatting: | 8 | Your prose aren't too bad though there are a few problems. My recommendation would be that you consider submitting it to the proofreading service or that you get someone else to proofread it for you, as there are a few grammar errors in the article and a few minor spelling difficulties. As for your formatting that isn't too bad though you may wish to consider moving the tip box that is located directly opposite the image of the person sticking their hand into the water as it does squeeze the text into the middle of the page somewhat. Beyond that there isn't very much to say on this your formatting is pretty good and the text is spaced out pretty well. Just make sure you don't have any huge blocks of text as they do get a bit tiresome to read through. Other than that you have done pretty well here. |
| Images: | 8 | Very much as above the images are fine, I would simply recommend that you try to use the captions to link a couple of them a bit more closely to the text as some of the links are rather tenuous. However I liked your image choices and your captions are pretty well done too, very few improvements to be made here, though I would suggest you consider making the image of the person sticking their hand into the water a bit smaller as it does seem to be rather larger than the others for no immediately obvious reason. |
| Miscellaneous: | 8 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 39 | You have a good article here and I get the impression that it has the potential to be even better, for the most part it is imaginative and pulls off the humour that you aim for reasonably well. There are a few problems that are stopping this from being better and they are mostly detailed above, remember that this is just my opinion and that there are others available, please don't be discouraged by the criticism I have put in this review I hope the score demonstrates the amount I enjoyed this one. If you do have any questions or comments then my talk page is the place to go. Good luck making any changes. |
| Reviewer: | --ChiefjusticeGameCube 19:34, May 13, 2010 (UTC) | |