Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Hanna Barbera's "Gangs of New York" (rewrite - 2nd opinion)
Hanna Barbera's "Gangs of New York" [edit source]
Any further Top Cat or Scooby Cliches gladly accepted Sog1970 22:20, December 29, 2009 (UTC)
- Hi, it's me again. I'd be happy to review the article again, although you may benefit more from a different point of view. Either way, I have some suggestions that I'd be more than happy to suggest on the article's talk page, if you'd like. Besides that, I like the changes you've implemented so far! --Matfen 20:03, January 1, 2010 (UTC)
- Go on then I'll have a crack at it. 24 hours at the most. --Hugs and kisses, Black_Flamingo 01:23, January 4, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 8.5 | Let's begin. Generally, this is very funny stuff, but there were a couple of things I'd like to bring up though in an attempt to make it even funnier. Most of the problems aren't major, it's just that there are some confusing parts in the article. First off, a character list might be helpful, as I (and apparently others) were a bit confused by the large cast. Everyone knows the HB characters by appearance, but I for one don't remember any of their names (particularly of the fairly samey and unmemorable Top Cat gang), so this could really clear some things up (or maybe some more pics - see below). Another part that I felt failed was the knife throwing bit. The litter tray joke wasn't really that funny, it just came out of nowhere. Think of a funnier way for Brain to lose, and explain this scene a little bit more, it's confusing and seems rushed (especially if you haven't seen GONY). The first part of The Beginning of the End was a little confusing too. You say Benny is running for election but then that Spook wins... are they both running? What are they running for? Maybe I'm just dumb, but you might want to work on this for any other people like me.
As for jokes that don't really work - Freddie's nickname of The Ponce seemed a bit silly and unecessarily insulting, maybe you could think of something else? Let's see, Day-Lewis' character was called The Butcher... how about... The Toucher? Shit, it rhymes and everything! Awesome. Seriously though, this doesn't detract from the article so don't worry about it too much. Finally, although I love the closing paragraph, I think it might just be better ending with the usual "I would have gotten away with it too etc etc." But that's just me, maybe look for other opinions on that so you can be sure it's for the best. |
| Concept: | 7 | Don't let the average score here offend you, I do think this article was executed beautifully. However, it did seem a bit random at first, and when I read the title I thought that sounds stupid. Despite this, when I read it I found that you satirise both HB and GONY very well. I only fear (not literally of course) that people won't be familiar enough with the subject matter. As I said earlier, a character list and some different pics might help this. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | Again, generally good. There were a few potential problems but not much that really detracts from the quality. Some of the pics disrupt the text, you might want to rearrange them so the paragraphs are squashed equally, if that makes sense. This doesn't really bother me but it seems to upset others.
As for spelling/grammar, you'll probably notice I corrected a few myself, but there is still a comma in the last paragraph of the intro that I wasn't sure what to do with. It was the first comma in the paragraph, I know it's wrong but I'll let you sort it out so I don't disrupt it too much. Your prose is good and sets the jokes up really well, however like before some bits were hard to read. For example, the second paragraph of The Love Interest, mainly the bit about Benny the Ball and Negro-lynchings. I think there are too many uses of the word 'of'. Also, When you talk about missiles being thrown by angry neighbours, I think this needs to be clearer. I had to read the sentence several times to understand it, missiles is a confusing choice of word, and I would suggest you be more literal here. Finally, the triple === thing annoyed me a bit, but I'll leave that to your own judgement. |
| Images: | 6 | Your images are lacking a bit in funniness but this isn't so bad as you save them with humorous captions. Like I said before, you could use a few more to clear up who everyone is. If you want to get rid of any, may I recommend the Freddie one? |
| Miscellaneous: | 8.5 | I'll give you an 8.5 here to bump up your score after some of the average scores I've given you above. Despite the sixes and sevens, this is definitely an above average article. There is one more thing I'd like to suggest you do though - move this to Gangs of New York. I think this would be better for several reasons: first, it would set up the absurdity of your concept better, second, since it kind of reads like a comparison between the two anyway it wouldn't make much difference and your current title is a bit cumbersome. Also, it makes it look a bit more encyclopaedic and serious, and I doubt anyone could write a better article to go under that title anyway.
The only other cliche I can think of is the way Scooby and Shaggy always used to get caught in their own traps. You could work this into the On the Run bit maybe - make it so Scooby and Shaggy fall into their own traps rather than one Brain has set up. This bit is hilarious as it is however. |
| Final Score: | 37 | A great piece that has definitely been improved upon since the last time it was up for pee. Even in it's current state I would vote for it on VFH, but please take my advice into account as I would love to see it as close to perfect as possible. Anyway, a final well done, and feel free to follow any of this up on my talk page. |
| Reviewer: | --Hugs and kisses, Black_Flamingo 14:58, January 4, 2010 (UTC) | |