Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Ferdinand von Zeppelin
Ferdinand von Zeppelin[edit source]
Cap'n Sir Ben GUN WotM VFH VFP 00:51, 15 May 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 8 | Ha! Linked manhood jokes. Very nice! |
| Concept: | 8 | Vunderful idea. Vas this not done by Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus? Nein, nein, I am think of Ze Golden Age of Ballooning. Sorry. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | Very good, but a few changes have been recommended by the Gestapo. |
| Images: | 7 | Good images. Appropriate. The smirky Count is nice. |
| Miscellaneous: | 8 | I like this quite a lot, actually. |
| Final Score: | 38 | |
| Reviewer: | ----OEJ 02:37, 15 May 2008 (UTC) | |
Endnotes[edit source]
OK, formatting: In the first parts the questions are put under the heading "Chapter 1 Revisions", etc. The last part omits those headings, and is therefore not in accord with Teutonic tidiness. Please you to fix, Mein Herr. (Seriously, it is a little confusing, and as this is an unconventional piece (a GOOD thing) the more formatting clarity the better.)
I found it just a hair confusing at first. It seemed a little unclear who the narrator is. This is a hairy pitfall, one that sneaks up behind the reader. The opening implies that a "teacher" is addressing a class. Then a few later paragraphs cast the narrator as "us", as if he is a group of textbook authors, or a cadre of examiners. But then, in Chapter 5, the narrator bursts forth in all his glory as a singular first-person "I". So, Captain Ben, this is confusing.
Clarification. Rectifying this confusion needn't be horribly exact and explicit ("I am Herr Lechebotte and you will address me as Mein Herr!!"), just consistent and clear.
I wanted to ding you for the spelling mustache. Then I looked it up. Moustache is popular, but your version is acceptable. So. I haff learnt somesing.
On form: This is unconventional but witty. Therefore it is a very, very good idea. Conventionality has sickened Uncyc lately, with How-To articles and their brace-the-reader-directly clichés leading the pack. I am refreshed by this piece. What a good idea!
I also applaud your linking of sexual subtext with balloonish imagery throughout. What lovely attention to theme! I counsel many less skilled writhers to use thematic consistency to make a piece feel "of a whole" and here you have demonstrated the technique nicely.
I reserve the option to write a bit more when I have read the article again and am not so tired and slightly tipsy. But I emphatically encourage you to keep up on this piece. It is quite good.
----OEJ 02:37, 15 May 2008 (UTC)
Thank you! Very helpful feedback. --Cap'n Sir Ben GUN WotM VFH VFP 09:43, 15 May 2008 (UTC)