Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/EMen: The Dating service for women

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EMen: The Dating service for women

Um...hey? This is kind of awkward, but um...will you pee on this? --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   18:59, February 5, 2011 (UTC)

I got it. --Black Flamingo 14:04, February 20, 2011 (UTC)

Humour:	7	Howdy young nooblet, how's it going? I couldn't help but notice this is the oldest request on the queue. In other words, let's see how I can help you there. Generally speaking, it's a good article. Your writing is really coming along and I don't think you'll have to wait much longer before you get your first feature. Having said that, there are a number of issues here that I think are holding this particular article back. Bachelor #1 The first man on offer is probably the strongest character you've created here. He's quite original, which I suppose is his strength. Although the "pretentious writer" type can be a bit of a cliché, you add a lot of good stuff here that stops it from getting stale; like his love of enormous breasts and belief that he's going to be famous. My only problem with him really is that despite being a supposed writer, he doesn't really say anything that lyrical. He doesn't even try (and fail) to. To me, this felt like an untapped deposit of humour. When he's talking about fish it seemed like you were about to go down this road; I kept expecting him to go into some really weird fish metaphor or something, and then to be really impressed with his own poetic prowess. However, this didn't happen. It might be something to think about though. Bachelor #2 The French guy, although again a decent character, seems a tad underdeveloped. From the top, there's the bit about him fighting under Charles de Gaulle. This seems a bit odd because (as mentioned in the article) he would have to be rather old. While this isn't inherently problematic in itself, he doesn't look it from his picture (although that could be an old photo, I suppose) and nor does he have the diminished faculties of a 90 year old, so it just doesn't seem to gel. The whole thing doesn't actually seem to add much to the article in any case; it's not that funny and it doesn't make sense. It sort of feels like it's only there because the idea popped into your head when you were thinking of French stuff, without really considering what it would bring to the piece. Unless you're going to develop it into some kind of gag (ie. about how long French people live due to all the red wine they drink and how relaxed they are) I would probably get rid of it and try something else - something more fitting with his character of a stereotypical pretentious Frenchman. Try to be consistent with his characterisation. If you're going to have him be pretentious, stick to it. I don't think, for instance, such a big-headed guy would readily admit that he would be a "disappointment" in bed. Is there no way you could have the reader infer that without him saying it? The insults to Americans aren't so well played out either; he never really gives a valid reason for not liking them. Perhaps this is the joke, but you need to make that clearer if it is. You could probably go a little further with his general character too; be a little more surprising, maybe. He's a bit of a cliché really. Think of the personal little details you threw in with the writer guy that made him unique - could you do that here too? Bachelor #3 The strength of this character is probably in his originality. Unlike the French guy, it's not something that pops up everywhere. In fact, I don't think I've come across it before, despite how familiar and accessible it feels. So you do a good job here. There are still a few things I think you could do better though. For example, he seems a little too knowing at times that he's a bad cook. Especially when he says "want to know what I'm cooking? No you don't!" Surely, the joke is supposed to be that he thinks he's a good cook, when in reality he's terrible. You can't have him admit this, the reader has to figure it out for themselves. So use subtle implications to suggest this, and try to keep it consistent. Another little gripe of this nature is when you have him say it's a "killer recipe". I don't think you need to then go on to explain that he's speaking figuratively - that's obvious. In a way I think it sounds more sinister to just leave it at that, but adding "and I mean killer loosely" just detracts from that in my view. It's like explaining a joke - you always end up ruining it. Bachelor #4 Bachelor #4 is a bit of a cop-out in my opinion. Sorry. The whole "stalker" idea tends to be thrown in to virtually every dating/relationship type article there is, as well as many others that have nothing to do with it at all. It's very, very clichéd and also a bit cheap to be quite honest. It's the same with your whole "being lit on fire" ending - which is really just a step away from the blood-splatter ending that is so popular in noob article. Still just about being a noob you can be forgiven for this, of course. But I would definitely recommend some heavy editing on this one. I found it difficult to understand as well, because how could she be watching the guy on TV when she's running upstairs and stuff? I'm not necessarily saying get rid of it, but perhaps try to do something a bit more unique, and that makes a bit more sense. How about something more subtly creepy rather than an overt attack on the viewer? In an article like this, you can achieve a lot more with just a well-written monologue, rather than slapstick violence. As a conclusion to the article it makes the whole thing seem a bit weak really. Adding more bachelors would probably help with this too, although I'll talk more about that in concept.
Concept:	6	It's not greatly original in terms of its underlying idea, but then, this isn't necessarily a hindrance. Sometimes well-known ideas like this can actually work well because there's more recognisable conventions to subvert. One problem, I suppose, is that it reminded me of the recently-featured Find an Asian wife!, an article that I myself championed. The Asian wife one, however, is a little more successful - probably because it has a more fixed framework - basically it's all Asians, so it just plays off the various stereotypes of mail-order Asian wives, of which there are a lot. This one is a lot broader, and therefore a little more scattergun in its approach. There probably isn't a lot you can do about this, but it may be worth thinking about anyway. The best way to combat this, that I can think of at least, would be to get some more bachelors in there. A little more content would help a lot, although I appreciate the difficulty of coming up with more characters who aren't just bland stereotypes. What could also help is the addition of a bit more satire in regards to the conventions of dating videos. First of all you need to have a think about what the conventions are, so you can mock them. What I really liked about the Asian wife article is the bizarre profile information it gives you on the models, such as their pH value and assembly time. You don't really do anything like this here, and I feel there's a lot of untapped potential for humour. If you haven't already, do research by watching as many dating videos as possible. That should give you more ideas. When I wrote Lonely Hearts Column that's basically all I did; I read lots and lots of real ads, took all the clichés I could find and then twisted them humorously. Could you do something similar here? One that springs to mind is the way they always mention their zodiac sign as if it were somehow important, but there must be others.
Prose and formatting:	7	The prose, as usual for you, is rather good. Like a true Englishman, you don't really have any issues with spelling or grammar, so well done there. There are one or two occasions were it's difficult to follow your prose however. In Bachelor #1 for example, you say "I am a deep person, not deep as in emotionally, just...deep". I really had no idea what you meant by this. It's the same in Bachelor #3 where you talk about "killing them and sending them to Heaven". With that, I knew what you meant, but had to stumble over the sentence a few times to get my head around it. Make these few parts a bit clearer and it should greatly improve your flow. The formatting lets it down a little too. Look at the Asian wife article again; it has really interesting formatting, but doesn't actually do anything too fancy or code-heavy. I'm not saying copy it, but ultimately your piece isn't an encyclopaedic article is it? Is there any way you could make it look more like a dating-ad type of thing? Again, you don't have to do anything too fancy, just something a little less bland might help. If you did want something fancy, there are other users who may be able to help you with any of the more creative formatting plans you may have (Lyrithya and PuppyOnTheRadio to name two).
Images:	7	Your choice of images in good, although I would really like to see a main image in your intro. Something that sets the scene, if you know what I mean? As for the others, they could do with being a little bigger. Especially since the article looks a bit blank. Also, what's with the markings on them? I don't know what you call them, but they look like some kind of watermark or something. Did you put them on yourself (because they all seem to have them) or are they all from some stock-photo type source? In any case, it may be better to get rid of them if possible, or find duplicates that don't have them. These markings would be ok if they clearly said "EMen", but they don't. In fact, I couldn't make out what they said.
Miscellaneous:	7	My score as to the article as a whole.
Final Score:	34	So overall; a good piece with just a few minor flaws. Perhaps come up with a few more characters, and try to expand some of the weaker ones here, and the article will be a lot better in no time. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok, and thanks for getting Bass.
Reviewer:	--Black Flamingo 16:15, February 20, 2011 (UTC)