EMen: The Dating service for women
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Bachelor number 1[edit | edit source]
Single Man #56, Richard Knight; age 24; status: single, employed. Self-comments: I'm mysterious like a shadow, or a stalker.
Good evening ladies. I hope you are feeling as well as I am. If not, I'm sure I'll be the man to make you feel a little better, if you know what I mean *wink*
Want to get to know me better? I know you do. Well, I like to read poetry, spend my time in coffee shops and wear the hell out of berets. I like women who are thin, sexy, readers, avid listeners, and have big tits and I mean BIG. I need something to able to nestle in when I put myself to sleep reading "The Collected Poems of Langston Hughes and other Great Writers." Someday, I'll be in that book and you'll be able to say, "That's the guy who fell asleep in my boobs." You can thank me when it happens. Not in person of course, because I'll probably with another sexy babe. It comes with the fame baby, it comes with the fame.
I am a deep person, not deep as in emotionally, just...deep. I like the sit in random coffee places, never in the same one consecutively, and sit with my extra grande mocha latte and stare into oblivion, contemplating my next collection of poems titled "Berets look damn good on me, I hope you can see[that]." It's a bibliographical sort of collection, with a mix of mystery and rhyme and a hint of self-glorfication. I'll send you the first copy, assuming I find a printing company who will return my request letters. Don't worry baby, when they read my poems and see my beret, I'll be rolling in dough. Of course you won't know that cause I won't be with you, like I said before. There's plenty of fish, but only some of them are tasty and good-looking and I go for the best fish, but maybe something will happen between us. I never know, well, I do but, sometimes a lady may get lucky, you never know. I'll be waiting for your call baby *wink*
Call me, or e-mail me at sexybitch@aol.com. Hurry, I could use an extra set of pillows *wink*
Bachelor Number 2[edit | edit source]
Single Man #78 Pierre Du Pointe; age 43; status: divorced six times, unemployed. Self-comments: I am French. This is a turn on, no?
Good evening ladies. I am Pierre Du Pointe, son of Jean-Paul Du Pointe. You may have heardz of him? No? Iz too bad, I am not az attracted to you now.
I am a former soldier, a member of the Free French army under General De Gaulle. You may be askingz, "but Pierre, how could you have been in World War II when you're only 43? I laugh at you, hahaha. Why would I tell these foolish mongrels at this 'dating service' my real age if I amz too attract the young, hot Parissen women. Je vois que vous mes chéris. Je serai avec vous sous peu!
As you may have heardz, I amz looking for young French women, not some ugly American trampz with your, lack of putrid odor and your so-called 'junk in the trunk.' It disgusts me. I spit at ze camera! *Phew*! While they clean ze camera, Pierre remindz you ladies, only young, french girls will be allowed in Pierre's chamber of amour. You other ladies may be askingz, "But Pierre, if you don't like American girls, why are you using an American dating service?" I laugh at you again. Hahaha. Foolish Americans, zat question is so foolish, I refuse to answer zat foolish question. You fools. I laugh again. Hahaha. Stupid Americans and your stupid 'foreign policy.' I despise all zat is American. I spit at ze camera again! *phew*!
Perhaps some of you ladies would like a night on ze town? A romantic dinner wiz your favorite Pierre? Well, Pierre will be more than glad to take you, as long as you pay for us of course. How else am I too continue my consumption of expenzive wine and cigarettes, eh? You foolish girls, I must remember to 'punish' you for your foolishness. Perhaps we should take it to ze bedroom, no? There is nothing than better than an angry French man in bed wiz you, especially if you are a French woman yourself, which you will be. Otherwise, Pierre will be most displeased and when Pierre is displeased, my tour de Effiel will not light up at night, if you understandz me.
So call me, Pierre Du Pointe, and I will give you a taste of ze famous, 'French loving.' You will never feel greater pleasure with any other man, or greater disappointment. Pierre likes to surpise his women.
Bachelor number 3[edit | edit source]
Single Man #67 Andrew Dobbs; age 37; status: virgin, some-what employed. Self-comments: I love cooking, we'd never have to go out!
Hey there ladies! My name is Andrew Dobbs and I am a professional cook! I currently work at Chu-Yun's backdoor grill. It's a Chinese place, which is nice, except they keep making me use cats as a substitute for chicken. Crazy Asians, huh? Haha. Anyways, I enjoy life and I love to cook. In fact I was once invited to compete in Iron Chef, but was unfortunately disqualified because I gave all the judges massive food poisoning. Who knew that squid and pigs feet mixed with deviled eggs could do something like that? I sure didn't!
I also like long walks on the beach, sunsets, painting, and if I call the hospital two more times with cases of food poisoning, they'll give me a free trip to Hawaii! Maybe you can be my special someone to come with me? Or at least be the lucky #1 who gets poisoned and lets me have that free trip. It's your call...Just Kidding! I would never purposely poison someone! Haha.
Anyways, I would love to meet one you fantastic ladies so that I could show you a good time, maybe a movie and then some home cooking? I have a killer squirrel brain and avacado recipe. I use the killer term loosely though, so don't worry, the fantastic taste won't kill you and send you to heaven! Haha, just kidding. Although it has done that before, but I use less squirrel brain, so it shouldn't be THAT good anymore. Haha. After that, I could give you some Afghan cookies for dessert! It's like putting a yummy pile of sand in your mouth! That'll put the 'desert' in 'dessert,' right? Haha. Anyways, I hope to meet some of you fantastic ladies soon! All the other girls I've met usually pass out and never call back from the hospital they're staying at after our dinners. I mean, come on, it's a little rude, isn't it? It's not like it was my food that sent them to the hospital anyways, right? Right. Haha, I look forward to your calls. I'll have some dinner waiting!
Bachelor number 4[edit | edit source]
Single Man #45 Richard Rameres; age unknown; status: single, self employed (although he did not say in what...). Self-comments: Just keep the camera at a distance...
Hello. My name...is not important. My interests...are not important. It's you I want to get to know.
Tell me, where are you right now? In your living room, by yourself? No one nearby? No one to hear someone yelling? Perhaps I should come give you visit to make you stay safe, you know how many perverts there are out there, waiting to find a nice, young woman sitting in her home...all alone...with no one to help her....
Getting scared? Don't worry, I'll protect you...in fact...I'm outside you window right now, watching you eat your popcorn, enjoying this video. Don't worry, you can't, but I definitely can. Yes, your beautiful hair getting into your face, it would be a shame for someone to come an take advantage of your unlocked back door, wouldn't it? But don't worry, I'll protect you...uh oh. The phone's ringing, maybe you should pick it up? I see you going to the phone...picking it up...who was it? You don't know? Is it perhaps because all you could hear was heavy breathing? Perhaps a slight mumble? I wonder who it could've been? Don't worry, I'll make sure whoever it was won't come through your conviently opened back window. So you want to close it, eh? Don't worry, I already made sure the kitchen door lock was loosened, just in case I had to rush in to save you. You never know how far these perverts may go.
Oh, I see you grabbing that kitchen knife. Why are you so scared? I'm right here, watching you...protecting you...loving you...Going upstairs? Good move, in case someone comes in, you won't be able to escape and I can come and find you with more ease. You're so thoughtful. Uh oh, phone's ringing again. More heavy breathing? I wonder who it could be, it's not like it could be me, how could I have hacked your laptop and taken your house number onto my cellphone? But don't worry, I'm watching you, protecting you, waiting for you to go to sleep...
Oh, so you're going to call the cops now? That's not a good idea, they might scare away the pervert and then I can't come save you. I guess I'll just have to cut your landline. Oh, going to get your cellphone? That would work, if someone hadn't already taken out the phone battery after breaking into your kitchen through the kitchen door with a loosened lock. You should get that fixed, it's not a safe way to live. Maybe I can come in and fix it for you? Where are you going? Back upstairs? Be careful, you never know where that pervert may pop up. I'll just come into your house to make sure you're safe. I'm in the kitchen now, or am I in the office? Why don't you come out and show yourself, make it easier for me to come and keep you 'safe?' There you are, standing in the hallway. Let me just take out my knife so that I can make sure that pervert doesn't come and stab you himself. Yes...let me get closer....wait...what is that in your hand?
Where did you get that flare gun? is that what you went upstairs to get? Well, that wasn't a good idea. You should let me be the one with a weapon, here, let me just take that from yo-AHHH IT BURNS!!! AHHHHHHH *runs out on fire*
End[edit | edit source]
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