Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Dallas Cowboys

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Dallas Cowboys

Cheeseheadted (talk) 18:57, May 2, 2012 (UTC)

I'll have a go at this. 24 hours. --Black Flamingo 12:44, May 5, 2012 (UTC)

Humour:	6	Starts promisingly enough. I like the line about them "claiming" to be a professional team. And the line about them being lonely cattle ranchers, yeah I follow you. Then it starts to get a bit random. I've got nothing against the Brokeback Mountain joke, but it kinda comes out of nowhere. I'm guessing it's supposed to be funny because they're gay? Just calling someone gay isn't particularly funny; you have to be witty about it. For instance, you could say something like this: "just like all cattle ranchers, they were resolutely macho and heterosexual. For more information see Brokeback Mountain". This is not an amazing joke but in my opinion it is an improvement because it uses irony and isn't quite as insulting towards gay people. I feel the same way about the pet cemetery joke, which to be honest I don't really get. History The history is interesting but there aren't really enough jokes in there. I like all the silly names, and although I have heard the acronym joke before (in the TV show Red Dwarf) I like this too and would recommend moving it further back so it comes just after the first mention of the acronym - it would make more sense that way. Overall, however, I would try to get some more jokes in here. The best articles have a good laugh at least every couple of lines. I would also suggest breaking the text up a little using paragraphs, as it's a bit of a chore to read so much information without a pause. From Cowpokers to Cowboys The main problem with this section is that you talk about things that are funny, rather than actually making jokes. There is a difference. For instance, you talk about the deformed cow-man and mention all the horrible nicknames people gave him, but this in itself isn't particularly funny. You can't just list humorous situations; you have to actually make jokes with punch lines and unexpected twists. To give you an example, it's funnier to say "my grandfather has a heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from London Zoo" than it is to say "my grandfather killed a lion". It's all about saying something unexpected. Take a look at your prose and see how you can twist it in this way. Don't get me wrong, your ideas are good (although you overplay the whole Brokeback Mountain thing), I just think they need some re-wording before they're going to make anybody laugh out loud. Written humour is a bitch like that. Noteworthy Team Statistics Generally speaking it is difficult to make lists funny, and much of this doesn't work, despite the fact that it has some good ideas in there. Lists tend to skirt over information rather than getting to grips with what's actually funny about them. They are also kinda predictable. I would suggest working some of your better list-entries into prose-based jokes. For instance, you could say "The Dallas Cowboys are a successful team; 37 of their players are in the NFL hall of fame and 70 of their cheerleaders have gone on to become popular porn stars". In my opinion, this is funnier because it's less predictable and takes more time to set up the joke. There's probably a bit too much silliness in here too. In most cases the truth is funnier than random nonsense. Take a look at our writing tips for a better example of what I'm talking about. Official Team Theme Song I didn't really get this. I'm not a big fan of YouTube links in articles but if you're going to do it you might want to play with the layout, because right now it looks scruffy. Take a look at the way Wikipedia and our featured articles use audio files. This is one, for example. Perhaps you could do it more like that?
Concept:	5	You don't really have much of a concept so that might be something to think about. Take a look at our best articles. Notice how they usually have an angle? Or a running gag? The closest you have to this is the gay cowboy thing, which I don't think it particularly successful; it isn't hugely funny and has been done a million times before. What is funny about the team that isn't just something silly you've made up? Less gay jokes/cow sex jokes and more satire!
Prose and formatting:	7	There are a couple of spelling/grammar errors here and there, so I would recommend pasting this into a spellchecker when you're done (or getting a browser that checks spelling). You should proofread it thoroughly at some point too. In terms of formatting, some of it does look a bit scruffy. Try to break paragraphs up more and don't use too many small images.
Images:	5	The first is fine, but for an opening image you may want something grander, something more gripping. The second two are okay; I guess they fit with the "nonsense" stories you weave. They're not massively funny images or captions though. My advice about truth being funnier than nonsense applies here. The last one will not do, frankly. It's just a famous line from a film, with an ugly black border, a grammatical error and a typo. Also you can see the cursor of the person who made it. Definitely get rid of this one. I would take a look at the Wikipedia page on the Dallas Cowboys; that should give you some ideas of the kind of images a sports team would have in an encyclopaedia entry. Pictures of the team, the grounds, the fans, the cheerleaders, locker rooms, etc.
Miscellaneous:	6	Overall "feel".
Final Score:	29	So overall this is a good start, just keep writing and writing and writing and eventually the good shit will come. Then edit and edit and edit until you have something really special. To recap; try to get more jokes in there, and make more of an effort to set up your jokes. Try to go further than just calling the team gay cow-fuckers (they're a big old team with a rich interesting history, surely there is more you can talk about?) Oh, and get some more/better pics in there. If there's anything else you want me to look at or explain better then let me know. I hope the review is okay.
Reviewer:	--Black Flamingo 00:23, May 6, 2012 (UTC)